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  • #102278
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Leslie:

    And my true name is anita. Glad you gave me your name.

    I understand. Mastering fear, what does it mean? It can’t mean not feeling fear anymore as we can’t eliminate any feeling. Maybe it means to not react to fear against our well being, to not rush to get rid of fear any which way, but be discerning; For example, when afraid, take a hot bath instead of a narcotic. What does mastering fear mean to you?

    anita

    #102340
    Eris
    Participant

    I must be hones and say it was not deliberate to use my real name, it must have been the tiredness. But never mind, I am the same person regardless.

    I was thinking about fear (and anger) while I was driving into town in the sunshine today. I have come up with a new visualisation for it which I think will be quite helpful for me. I would be interested to hear what you think about it.

    I see myself as a matador, complete with slim hips and full gold braid encrusted outfit and cape. I even have an elegant moustache – I am quite comfortable with a cross gender role in my visualisations. The intense emotions are like the bull. They are powerful and unpredictable but I have style, grace and guile on my side. So when the fear comes rushing up on me, I will sidestep neatly, swish my elegant cape, twirl my imaginary moustache and shout “Haha, Senor Fear Bull, nice try but you are no match for me!” I am quite looking forward to trying it out. I know it won’t work every time, just like no matador wins every contest, but for me this would be a powerful image of mastering the emotion. I hope it will re-inforce my sense of taking back control.
    At the moment I let fear and anger wash over me because I learned as a child that getting negative attention from my mother was better than no attention at all. I suspect that I actually ‘like’ the feeling. Not like in a good way, but like in the sense that it is a place I recognise and understand.

    For the record, I am not naturally a fearful person, I travel to remote parts of the world on my own. I live with no electricity or running water for months at a time. I trek jungles, dive in remote locations and live with people that cannot speak my language. But if a potential (usually in my head) confrontation with an authority figure looms up, I’m back to a cringing, petrified 5 year old. Except now my 5 year old self has a super matador on her side and things are going to change around here!

    #102346
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear eris:

    Let me know if you’d like me to refer to you by your real name.

    Before I comment on your above delightful-to-read post, I want to tell you that yesterday, after I sent you the post about mastering fear, about choosing how I react to it, as in taking a hot bath instead of a narcotic, I wanted to take a walk (4 miles, some steep parts) right after I had lunch. I was full and that triggered my fear of gaining weight and the “solution”- to burn calories via a walk. Problem is I was sick yesterday, still am. I realized taking a walk can exacerbate my cold, so… I took a hot bath instead and stayed home. If I took the walk, it is possible I would have become sicker. Instead I had a good night sleep after two nights of hardly any sleep.

    Now, regarding your post: how well written and humorous as well. I like your visualization. Please do let me know how it works for you.

    Regarding your last paragraph: I can relate to not being afraid traveling: I too traveled alone, with no planning whatsoever, all through Europe and to the U.S. And I often was in scary situation but felt no fear. This is because the real danger I encountered in my life was from my mother. As long as I was not with her, I was almost fearless. It is what we associate with fear that scares us, and what we associate with fear from our early childhood.

    It therefore makes sense to me that you are fearless in many situations, as you described, but are very fearful, petrified when confronted with an authority figure because the latter triggers your fear association, or connection formed in early childhood.

    It is like a person who is afraid of spiders is so afraid because such an association was made between spiders and fear. Another person may not be afraid of spiders, but is no less fearful of snakes.

    Your five year old self has a super matador on her side, oh, yes. If only you did have someone powerful on your side when you were a child. And indeed, this is what you still need. And so do I. Only that someone-powerful, well, it has to be me.

    “Things are going to change around here!”

    anita

    #102880
    Eris
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    I’ve been really busy, so not had time to get on here much. I hope you are well.

    I have an important deadline looming and normally I’d be in a pretty fearful place right now. But I’m not; my matador is doing a pretty good job for me here. He has Senor Fearbull on the ropes, to mix a sporting metaphor. I still get the bad feelings of course, but their ability to get to me is massively reduced. Why did it take me so long to start dealing with them? Maybe that is a new thing I could beat myself up over?

    That’s a joke, I have no intention of giving myself a hard time over anything new!

    I’m posting today as I got some further bad news this morning – just what I needed on top of everything else that is going wrong right now. A few weeks ago all this would have sent me into a downward spin that would have taken weeks, or months, to get out of. Today I watched from the sidelines as things went crashing down – but I did not feel the need to go down with them. I’m a little sad, frustrated, a bit angry, but I’m coping. Things are definitely changing for the better.

    #102887
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear eris:

    Enduring distress without reacting to it destructively is a crucial aspect of mental health. It is part of emotional regulation skills or ability. And the part that beats us up will take any excuse to do so, including: I did well today, so why didn’t I do well yesterday? It is like the real person who criticized us, in reality internalized in our brain, is saying: Aha, you &$%%b- what was your excuse yesterday? Anyway, that is my projection of that Superego/ internalized parent.

    It takes identifying that voice again and again, and over time silencing it.

    You are a private person, is my feel. A proud person, not sharing your latest challenge/ “bad news”- I feel honored that you chose to correspond with me as I feel you choose who you interact with carefully.

    anita

    #102904
    Eris
    Participant

    Yes, I think you are right about the inner voice that I have listened to for so long. I am definitely having more success in dealing with it now that I have turned it into a bull.

    I wonder if part of the effectiveness is the fact that the bull has no voice, so it effectively silenced? I can see him for what he is, a creature just trying to do what it needs to do, but with no power to command me, or tell me how to feel. I am the matador and I am in control.

    It’s as though I have at last found a way for it to be alright for me to deal with the absolute bull (see what I did there?) I was told/shown/made to believe as a child!

    I am not an fan of cruel sports, so I would like to point out that no actual bulls are harmed in the creation of this visualisation.

    And yes I am a private person, but mostly because I rearely encounter anyone who ‘gets it’ the way you do. I find your insights help me to look at my own issues in new ways. This has been a very valuable conversation for me. Thank you.

    Eris

    #102913
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear eris:

    I am glad I am getting you, and when I am not getting you, please let me know what I need to know so to keep understanding you accurately.

    I think turning that inner voice (internal critic/ superego) into a bull is creative, it just occurred to me. I like that! And the bull having no voice, therefore, effectively silenced, is part of this effective imagery. You being the matador, the one in control is major. “No actual bulls are harmed in he creation of this visualization” is hilarious, great humor, says I!

    It is my experience that being in control is a process. I was hoping for a “happily ever after” existence, a “problem solved” status achieved after enough work, but my process is still ongoing. I still feel anxious and distressed often enough, but I am less reactive to these. I know I am on the right path regardless.

    anita

    #102922
    Eris
    Participant

    I know what you mean about the “happily ever after” existence, a “problem solved” status. I was looking for that too. But I think that is also part of the baggage we were loaded with.

    My success with the bull seems to be telling me that there is no ‘Promised Land’ or ‘Knight in Shining Armour’ or Happy Ever After’. But that is not a problem, instead I think it is a huge relief from having to be ‘perfect’ in order to deserve good things in life. All of that is part of the bull.

    Good things and bad things happen to everyone. You deserve the best, so be the best you can be. Your best is different on different days. That’s OK, it’s part of being human.

    Background info, my mother was a beauty queen who wanted me (and the rest of her life) to be perfectly beautiful. Well – on the days she wanted me at all, she wanted me to be perfect – mostly she just resented me. I guess she was carrying a lot on her shoulders too. Not an excuse for abuse, but maybe I’m lucky to be able to see the reality of the burden. I don’t think she ever understood it and was definitely in denial until the day she died.

    Interesting question, who has the bigger problem; the person in denial (who drinks themselves to death), or the person who understands it isn’t right and struggles to get past the pain without esorting to substance abuse? Hypothetical question since the person who is dead has neatly removed themselves from having do deal with anything.

    #102923
    Eris
    Participant

    Wow, just realised how bitter that last sentence is.

    Interesting. Very interesting.

    #102930
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear eris:

    What an emotionally intense posts, the last two. My goodness, there is a lot there. I felt it and will have to come back to it later, too much for me to absorb right now. Very intense.

    Till later, take good care of yourself, matador.

    anita

    #102949
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear eris:

    I’ve been thinking about your post often in the last hour plus, talking to you in my head, so I am back to stop that talking.

    The Happily-ever-After dream and she, your mother neatly removing herself from the story. It makes me think of my redo dreams. It is as if I was saying: “No, no, this cannot be it, this cannot be My Life. It is all wrong. If I will make her happy, then she will like me, then I will have the life I am supposed to have. I wanted so badly to just BE, care free, to no longer suffer.

    But I had to suffer, so I believed, because I was bad, I was making my mother hurt and bad. If I suffer, if I make it up to her…Oh, that happily-ever-after dream: my mother happy, smiling at me, liking me, liking ME, of all people.

    “From now on” I said to myself thousands of times, “From now on, I will be perfect. I will do nothing wrong. I will be very careful. And she will like me.” And every time I failed. There it was, her explosion, hell on earth, death and destruction. I say death because she histrionically threatened suicide, not someday, but right there and then. I was there at five and twenty five, with her. I had to be until she was not going to kill herself. Or me. In the quiet of the night.

    The intensity of the fear, the despair cannot be described with words. I believe you felt it, you know it. I’ve been dizzy since I felt it in your post, in your anger at her. Of course, we didn’t have the same mother, or the same story but I think we experienced the same hurt and it is a mind boggling kind of hurt, such that expressed as anger, will make it possible for me to pick up a huge rock and squash the world in one drop of that rock.

    anita

    #102957
    Eris
    Participant

    I recognise the feelings you describe, anita, Of course we did not have the same story, but I think the pain was very similar. That’s why we understand each other’s story and why, for me, our conversation helps me move on at a fast pace.

    The anger is strong, but I think the sense of betrayal is even stronger. Betrayal is a horrible thing. It makes one feel that it is one’s own fault, to be imperfect, unloveable, a tragic disappointment, a dissolution of mother’s dreams. But looking at it from an outside viewpoint, it isn’t hard to see that for the crock of sh!t it really is. It is not a child’s job to make her mother’s dreams come true. Compeletely the opposite, if anything. What a massive betrayal for any mother to make her daughter feel that way! Especially to make you feel so unsafe that you did not know if either one of you might wake in the morning. That is horrendous and it’s no wonder it evokes intense feelings even now.

    I am still angry at my mother, furious even, but as I come to understand the enormity of the injustice I suffered, I also – strangely, and somewhat against my will – begin to feel sorry for whatever tragedy made her do what she did. I suspect she had no more control over what happened to her than we had over what happened to us. It doesn’t make it right. But it puts it in perpective. How very sad to think that she might have written about her pain in the same way we have written about ours.

    I’m not feeling THAT forgiving yet, but it is certainly something to think about.

    #102982
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear eris:

    It is not happy people who repeatedly hurt other people. It is hurt people that do that. But people get confused I think, like I have been all these years. I didn’t understand that it was not my job to feel empathy for the one who was damaging me, intentionally, repeatedly, with no efforts of repair. Yes, she, my mother deserves empathy only not by me.

    I live in a wooded area. I see sometimes a fawn, a baby deer follow its mother into the woods. It feels that attachment (that we felt to our mothers) to its mother. It is that attachment, or love, that motivates it to follow her. What if the mother deer would turn around once in a while and bite, kick and throw her baby to the ground? the baby, bleeding, limping will continue to follow her, still feeling that attachment, that love it was born to feel for its mother.

    But it doesn’t happen in nature, only in humans, a mother turning against her own child, again and again, and injuring the child. What a perversion of nature.

    Empathy for her stopped me from healing for many years. It was not the anger that kept me stuck, it was empathy for her.

    She was hurt, of course, had a terrible childhood AND she chose to hurt me, intentionally. It is when I saw my own pain and stopped seeing only her pain as valid, that my healing started.

    anita

    #102993
    Eris
    Participant

    That’s interesting. I think I was the opposite, I spent years without a shred of empathy, or any other feeling apart from rage, for my mother. It felt like to do so would have been to admit that it was OK to do what she did. I felt the anger was something I needed to keep hold of, but it is rapidly fading now that I see that it was holding me back and no longer served any purpose. I’m not sure what I feel now is empathy, to me that implies that I care how she felt. I think I just recognise that she had her own problems, not that I care about her. Like you say, that is not our job to heal them, we must get on with healing ourselves. I think I’m making good progress on that now.

    #103027
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear eris:

    I am glad you are making good progress! I understand the unwillingness to feel empathy for the abuser- that is self destructive. It is only natural and constructive to feel anger at a person who is hurting us, that is the purpose of anger: to fight off a person who is hurting us. It is the case in other animals. (And I am talking about the feeling itself, not the behavior following the feeling).

    Now that your mother is dead and mine is out of my life, anger has no practical purpose. The one hurting us, the danger is gone. Except for the Bull, the abusive Inner Critic, keeping her work going. This is why you are a matador, the one in control. This is why I am in the process of healing, on The Healing Path, to stop the self abuse, to undo the significant consequences of the abuse.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 67 total)

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