Hi Annie,

My therapist actually brought this up the last time we had a session together. She reminded me that it takes two to begin a relationship, and it takes two to end it. That this person wasn’t perfect either, and that he contributed to the end of the relationship as well…but sometimes it’s difficult to understand that, especially if you weren’t the one to end things. It’s hard not to put the “dumper” of the relationship on a pedestal – to think that he is this perfect person, that he can do no wrong, that he has no flaws and no faults, and that you’ll never find someone quite like him again. Then the downward spiral begins: you start thinking of all the good times you had with one another; all the great qualities this person had; all the intriguing personality quirks; the spark that you felt when you first met him…

I think it’s funny that after a difficult breakup, one will go to great lengths in seeking a “cure” for giving up hope, letting go and moving on. I’ve done these things…I’ve googled “when to give up hope” and “how to let go of your ex and truly move on with your life”; I’ve read articles and blogs, I’ve searched through, and read numerous posts’ in relationship forums – re-reading the ones that I can relate to time and time again, becoming dependent on them to make me feel better if I’m having a hard time getting through the day. I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve done these things. I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with it. Having your heart broken isn’t a great feeling – I wouldn’t wish this feeling on my worst enemy. But when it happens, I find myself becoming desperate in finding something that can take some of the pain away; something that sounds similar to what I am going through, hoping that it can provide me with some advice in order to remove some of the sting that I feel in my heart.

One of the questions that I see come up most often in relationship forums is, “how long did it take you to get over your ex?” – and really, I’ve discovered there is no single right answer. Everyone is different and everyone grieves differently. Every relationship is different. I like to continually remind myself of how long it took me to recover from my last breakup prior to this one, and that’s what motivates me to keep moving forward. I did a lot of “holding on” that didn’t do me any good in the long run. It kept me stagnant, and only prolonged my pain. So I’m trying very hard with this breakup to avoid doing any of that. I’m trying to use and apply what I’ve learned from my previous relationship to help me move past this one as smoothly as possible.

My recent breakup did devastate me, and it did make me wonder when and how I was ever going to get through this. I do feel that I’m past the point of hoping for his return, and of “worshiping” him, and have come to terms with the fact that there is nothing I can do to bring him back, and that our relationship is over. It’s just those first steps into moving on that are hard for me right now…but like I said, if I did it before…if I was strong enough to get through that breakup then, then I know I am strong enough to get through this one.

Thanks Annie. Until next time…

– Jenny

Anita,

I am a poor communicator when it comes to talking about my problems. I feel that one of my biggest faults is that I rarely ask for help. I admit that it makes me uncomfortable to burden those that are close to me with problems that I’m going through, and I have a tendency to keep my troubles inside, hoping they’ll eventually resolve on their own or that they’ll simply go away. It’s funny, but I’ve noticed that I am more than willing to sit down with a friend and ask how they are doing with their troubles, but when I’m asked, I smile and tell them everything is ok (when in reality, it isn’t). I think this is one of the reasons why I tend to get so overwhelmed when something “bad” happens to me. It’s just layers upon layers of troubles that I never took care of, attacking me all at once, and then boom! – my entire world is flipped upside down…I lose myself, and I have no idea where to begin in order to repair the damage.

What you wrote isn’t easy for me to relate to, but it’s interesting to examine my “failures” in a different light. After giving it some thought, I’m beginning to feel like we both just didn’t understand each other…and maybe that is why our relationship failed. Perhaps we weren’t compatible at all. Maybe it was just infatuation, and nothing more than the feeling of excitement due to being in a relationship again. Who knows.

Until next time…

– Jenny

Anita,

I’m not really sure why I have so much trouble when it comes to reaching out for help. I don’t know if it’s because I feel that no one would be able to help me…maybe its because I’m afraid of showing “weakness”, or because I worry that the problems I had/have are insignificant in comparison to others’…I don’t know…its a mystery to me. I’m trying to work on this now, because I know its a long standing problem that I’ve had, and I don’t want to return to shutting down and keeping my problems inside with any future relationships that I may have.

I don’t like going to my parents for help, because along the way, I’ve discovered that they have a tendency to play devil’s advocate. I feel that they don’t really listen to me…and afterwards, I usually feel worse than before we even started talking. My parents are very old fashioned in their way of thinking about things, so I usually find myself in disagreement with them…and like I said in an early response (in Max’s topic), I don’t have any friends here locally that I can reach out to for company and conversation, so I feel very alone at times…

I remember that it took me a long time to seek counseling after my exes’ court martial. He and I had gone to marital counseling before, and although I found some of the things the counselor said to be very helpful then, I guess I gave up on the idea of seeking further counseling after I found that he cheated again. After he went into confinement, I found myself having extreme anxiety attacks, that came and went as the months went by. After having an attack one day, I looked at my daughter and thought that if something were to happen to me she would grow up motherless. It scared me and I began to panic – that’s when I decided I needed to get a referral to finally see a counselor. With this breakup, I sought counseling immediately because I was having a hard time focusing on my present. I was breaking down at work, I stopped eating, and I just layed around the house all day thinking about him and the relationship. I didn’t want to wait too long to start therapy again because it reminded me of my last breakup, and I just wanted to avoid those obstacles this time around.

Bringing up my problem with poor communication/keeping my troubles inside, rather than letting them out has gotten me emotional. It’s difficult to type these words now…because I KNOW that I have a problem and I WANT to fix it, but I just don’t know HOW…I constantly doubt myself, I doubt the people around me, and I get angry with myself. Not only that, but it makes me worry about the future and if I’ll even have a better future. I’m afraid that the counseling won’t work, and that I’ll just go back to keeping everything inside, restarting the entire cycle again – which I DON’T want.

I really want to get WELL this time. I want to love myself more, I want to get rid of all the doubt that I have, and the doubt that I have for others. I want to be able to trust again. I want to have healthy and meaningful relationships in my life.

Anita,

You mentioning that me not going to my parents could somehow be a link as to why I’m not able to express my feelings openly has made me think a lot about my childhood. I’m beginning to realize how some of the issues I had when I was growing up could possibly be related to why I am the person that I am today…

I’ll be honest, I’ve been beating myself up a lot lately. It seems like these realizations from my past, along with the thoughts and feelings that I have concerning my breakup seem to be coming at me all at once…and yet again, its the classic boom! scenario. I’m beginning to feel confused…I’m beginning to feel intimidated…and I’m beginning to feel overwhelmed, because its a lot for me to take in all at once. I’m trying to be mindful of my breathing to help with my anxiety, and it has helped me…its just that “heavy” feeling in my chest that never seems to want to go away…and I wish it would.

I am really hoping that my therapist will be able to help me overcome these issues once and for all, in time. I do worry sometimes that she may not be able to though, which only adds more stress to my current state of mind…
Please don’t mind me, I’m having a typical “its hopeless” pity party!

Here’s hoping for a better day tomorrow…

– Jenny