The thin line between saying what you want and neediness

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This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 2 months ago by beachcomber820.

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September 17, 2014 at 3:38 pm #65099

Patinka
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Hi everyone,

I’ve been thinking recently about abandonment issues and how they affect romantic relationships.

I’m currently in a relationship with a guy my age (25) – a sweet, caring, smart man – for about half a year now. However, he’s not from here and has “only” lived here for five years, studying. This means that out of our six months he has already spent three abroad, visiting family and working this summer at a job which he likes a lot, for example.

You know how it is at the beginning. You enjoy each other’s company, you miss each other, you’re quite passionate and silly, but it’s not altogether serious or “threatening”. And then you fall in love and everything changes. Suddenly the two-word message from him means that he’s losing interest in you or worse, has figured out how needy you really are and is right at this moment getting tired of it. And if he ever asks for a little break, for example just an evening to himself, you get anxious. You analyze his messages to see whether they might’ve lost sincerity or devotion. But you KNOW how stupid you are and how close you are to ruining a relationship by either clinging too much or pushing away, which only pains you a lot and frustrates him. But you can’t turn off the sad, whiny voice, which says: “Give me security! Pay attention to me! Make me believe that you’re not going to leave!” And the problem is that you CAN demand things in a calm manner, like: I would like to hear from you more often when you’re gone, would you do that for me? – but what if you’ll never feel safe enough because the issue lies with solely you? And, more importantly, what if he realizes your insecurities and fears through those demands and can’t deal with them?

I guess I’m looking for people who have similar problems. I wonder wether this fear of being left stems from my parent’s divorce when I was 13. But there are a lot of children whose parents’ marriages didn’t survive and I don’t think each and every one of them has abandonment fears. I think I’m falling very deeply in love with my boyfriend, which makes my insecurities run wild, so I don’t trust my intuition anymore.

It would help a lot if I could share with like-minded people and maybe we could help each other out? Anyways, that’s what I thought. 🙂 Thanks in advance!

September 17, 2014 at 8:31 pm #65109

Dany
Participant

Hey there, I hear you.
The analysing and the feeling threatened by well… pretty much everything in the wrong moments. What’s confusing for me is that I’ve had a ten year relationship where we’d tell each other that we’d stay together forever, that we could do anything together. All the stuff girls like to hear. Up until the end rarely anything ever threatened our relationship. We had some serious bat-shit fights but somehow it was never about leaving each other. And you know what? All that wasn’t worth anything in the end. We didn’t get through our problems. We talked and fought and talked again, hoping to sort it all out. But we didn’t manage on our own and we didn’t get help. We went wrong somewhere and in the end all the security, all the “forever”-talk turned into dust. It was a co-dependent relationship and my ex was the first one to tell me that I need to be more independent. I rebelled at first but after a while I started to realise that he was right and started to explore my independence. Up to the point where he got uncomfortable with it (mind you, we’re just talking about spending some afternoons with friends for example). At some point I felt way too pressured by his neediness and it was like breathing for the first time when I started an open relationship after that. No expectations, we both do what we feel like and if we meet in the middle, awesome!

That was in the beginning when I thought there was no way I’m gonna get caught in this longterm-relationship-thing again that soon. And then I slowly started to change my mind and wanted to give things a possible future. And there the trouble started. I started interpreting every little thing as if it was an omen for everything. I’m annoying myself with it! So I know that I don’t want to go back to a co-dependent relationship but at the same time I feel insecure when my boyfriend doesn’t need me as much as I’d like him to (which of course only comes from my own insecurity, otherwise I wouldn’t mind, right?). Epic trap 🙁 And at the same time I know how bad it felt when my ex was needy so I am sort of scared to open up and ask for what I want…

I’ve read something nice somewhere: it’s ok to ask for what you want but you shouldn’t be upset if the answer is no. All this “no expectations” stuff we had in the beginning (and are still trying to hold on to) felt so liberating and good. If you truly love someone, you don’t hold on to them if they’d be happier somewhere else. This does make a lot of sense on a logical level but in reality I’m still struggling… On bad days I feel threatened if he just put his earplugs in instead of “sharing” the music he’s listening to XD Gosh I’d be happy to figure out how to get over it. I certainly get enough attention when I’m alone anywhere so you’d think I should be confident :/

September 17, 2014 at 9:39 pm #65111

Anonymous
Inactive

I would say: Let time run its course because this is just the beginning and both of you have your goals, needs and he has a lot going on from what i can gather. This doesnt mean your needs are overboard but yes, do tell him that you would like to spend some time together when it has been a while. Doesnt he get back to you eventually when you let things be? On days you really struggle with it, do something you enjoy. I would watch movies, call a friend over or cook something, maybe sing and when i am happier, my time with him is more meaningful…Your parents may have had a different course of events but that doesnt mean every time, the same will happen to you. Remind yourself that “every story is different and you need to have faith in what you have which means finding a balance between your needs and his” now every relationship needs that, doesnt it?

September 18, 2014 at 8:52 am #65156

Katie
Participant

Oh girl, I could’ve written every last word of this. I am currently doing the analyzing and stopping myself from freaking out and melting down thing all because of a couple texts that I have CHOSEN to interpret negatively.

The funny thing is that when I am talking to someone else about their relationship, I can totally advise on how to “be positive, do your own thing, just enjoy each other, stay in the moment, blablabla” BUT the minute anything uncomfortable happens in my own relationship, this all goes out the window. I’m trying (and making more progress than ever) to get and KEEP my mind calm, but god it’s a lot of work.

What you said that I can so relate to – “Suddenly the two-word message from him means that he’s losing interest in you or worse, has figured out how needy you really are and is right at this moment getting tired of it.” It sounds silly when you say it, and it sounds silly when I talk about feeling that way. But it’s so hard not to think that just because of one thing that I have said, all his feelings will change. Over-analytical to the max…and I have found the only way to quit it is to force myself. 🙂 When I realize that’s what I’m doing, I just have to take a break – go do something else. Go for a walk, do sudoku, talk to a friend, play with my dog…whatever. I’ve actually been seeing a counselor and we’re going to start tackling these obsessive negative thoughts. As soon as I decide I truly want to get rid of them!

I’ve only just started realizing that what I have been doing in past relationships has driven people away for the most part….the neediness, demands, insecurities. I trace these all back to expectations! So I am working (struggling!!) on releasing my expectations – being whole on my own and the person I am with is just a bonus. It is so much easier said than done, but we have to truly believe (and feel) that we will be alright even if boyfriend leaves for good tomorrow. If we’re worried about the relationship, it makes it hard to actually ENJOY and DO the relationship. You know? It’s like trying to force something. But you know this – because I think we are so on the same page regarding this stuff. SO yea….point being, I hear ya!!

September 20, 2014 at 4:03 pm #65287

Patinka
Participant

Dear All,
Thanks so much for the replies! It’s a relief to hear that other people are going through the same thing, even though it’s not exactly something pleasant. 😀

I’ve read somewhere that telling someone what you want puts you in a very vulnerable place because, well, you have to tell a person you like how much you “need” of him or her. And what’s scarier than that? So it’s very true – accepting that the answer could be no and knowing that you can cope with it would not only make it easier to ask, but also to ask confidently without sounding needy (or at least that’s what I hope).

Very recently I’ve come to realize something important and maybe it might help you guys as well? I think it’s a pretty common relationship situation, but fraud with insecurities – namely the leaving part. Say you’ve spent a night or a day together, with barely time apart (so you feel very connected and vulnerable), but you both know that you have to leave e.g. because you have an early start in the morning or simply because you don’t live together yet. However, you might not have established what time exactly you’re leaving. This was always awful for me, even if I’m looking forward to being in my own space again. I’d get my things together, which, of course, looks like I’m about to go soon. So him asking “Are you leaving?” in a normal tone of voice would not be unusual. Naturally I’d hear: “Are you FINALLY leaving?”, but am rational enough in those moments to not act on that silly analysis – however, the insecurity remains. Another example would be him doing stuff before I leave, like listening to a song, cleaning or what have you. In my mind it automatically goes: “Why would you not rather sit and talk with me than doing all those things that you can do later as well?” Anyways, I think I found a pretty good way to deal with this insecurity, at least partly, allowing me to enjoy the moment more and maybe even explaining his actions. I simply tell myself: He’s not going anywhere.

My fear is always that, as soon as we’re apart, his feelings towards me will change. As if he were a very volatile and uncertain man, which he is not. So every time I catch myself feeling anxious about that, I tell myself that he’s not going anywhere and I try to imagine the specifics of what we would do together the next time we see each other – you know, something typical, like going to the cinema, eating together, cracking jokes etc. and I try to remember all the reaffirming things he’s said or done in the past, which could just be a “You make me very happy” or introducing me to his friends. It’s incredibly difficult, but with some effort it can provide some relief. I think that most people do not need to force themselves into better thoughts like these and that it’s already ingrained in their way of being – which would explain why you can very well listen to a song or empty the dishwasher, even though your girlfriend’s leaving in 15 minutes, because, hey, you’re seeing her again soon, of course (that is, if you’ve been together for a while already).

I guess that the most insecure moments are different for everyone. But if you’ve experienced something like what I’ve mentioned above, I hope it helps!

September 21, 2014 at 1:53 am #65292

beachcomber820
Participant

Wow, I too am struggling with this. I want to talk to feel like he cares, but I rarely get more than a sentence. I posted to the hard times forum and the title was about worrying too much. Id like it if you provided insight on my situation as well. Its so nice to see that Im not alone.
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