I strongly admire this whole aspect of being able to express your own life and experiences to others. in hope that something from it can help another person. But also how other peoples opinions and perspectives being shared with me can also help me too. Win win!

Anyway; i am 32 years old. I look about 12 : p I do look a lot younger than my years. And i still haven’t grown up as much as i could have. But life is a journey and i sometimes divert from the chosen path and try different routes and overcome obstacles put in place by myself because i love a challenge and love making mountains out of mole hills. But i love mountains so it’s all good!

Anyway about 2 years ago i ended up with a brain injury. Upset my memory, focus, emotional clouded mind, processing ability. Basically a bit of restarting the brain, almost going back to being a child again. I was in a relationship with the woman i still believe is my 1! But before her i was in a relationship of 7.5 years. And in a way i was kind of just settling for her. I didn’t continue where i left off. I didn’t continue building myself and exploring my own mind to help develop it further to also create a much happier self and happy life! I stagnated in some ways. But i created a business and had the intent on creating a family and giving a child the life i never had. This is something my sister did extremely well. We both brought up by the same mum who was dysfunctional in her mind. Good heart but lacked consideration and deeper serious sides.

I never knew my dad. I was the result of a 1 night stand involving a traveling salesman. According to my mum anyway. Who died last year of cancer. But i was lucky in some respect. We grew apart over the last decade. And she was a terrible mum. And i was a terrible son. Telling my sister over the phone and seeing the coffin at the cemetery were extremely difficult. My current partner’s father died of cancer about 3 years ago. He was the best father any person could hope for. He lived for his family. Put them all over himself. And adored each and every one of them. So this whole aspect is something that isn’t manageable for her. So i dealt with a lot of it myself. And i was born on my mums birthday. So my birthdays are going to be difficult. Regardless of our relationship and how we were together. She was still my mum. And when she met my step-dad who is a christian. Her heart opened a bit more. She didn’t completely acknowledge all of her mistakes and errors. And didn’t exactly undo them, not that that was ever possible. But i don’t know the full extent of her life and everything that happened to her throughout her entire life. She didn’t have me till she was 38, and she was told by the doctors that she was infertile and wouldn’t conceive again after my 2nd sister was born.

Oh and my 1st sister, the oldest was apparently the left over from a twin who died at birth. Or at least that’s the story my mum told us. But she told a lot of stories. We couldn’t really tell truth from lies with her. Anyway she is also the runt. She had multiple children who were all taken into care. I don’t even know where she is or if she is even alive.

My other sister is the 1 who has created a family. My niece is 19 and is studying politics at university. My nephew is 10 years old and is the top in his class at school. Me? I started business and bought a home trying to build a future to create the opposite of what i had. And then i realized that after we got a dog that i was to do more in my life and with myself before i could ever even attempt the next step. And then i realized i didn’t even know the actual step i needed or wanted to take. And this is where my life took 1 turn after another and i really started to wake my brain and heart.

Part of my business was having people bring faulty electrical items to me to be repaired. I would diagnose and repair. Hardware = yes. Software = F off! : p

Anyway i repaired this boys gaming console. I was brought to me by his mother. And straight away i was smitten by her. Her nature glowed. She was genuine and a bit shy around me as i was around her. I found it difficult to even look her in the eye. To me she was, still is, a beautiful exotic lady who i thought was the result of a dream! I had her number on my phone for 3-4 years before i even attempted to make contact. I was a bit slow… It happened 1 night after i had spent the evening with old friend of mine. I had recently bought the house i was the start the next chapter in. But i had problems with my mind. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t sure why. Anyway my friend had also taken up renting the same flat me and my partner of the time had rented. So it was weird being back in this place that used to be my home. Basically after an evening at the cinema and some drinking with some mind exploration from our pasts and how we had both been affected 1 way or another by different events and scenarios. My friend had a drug fanatical father and a heartbroken mother – endless amounts of hardships eh! And i lay in what was my office, which was now his spare room. And i am in my mind feeling where i am. I scroll through my contacts and see this woman’s number… I txt her asking her what she is doing with her life and whether or not she is single. She replies the next day, it was around the early hours i messaged her. This is where i could go in-depth. But i’m trying to sty in the here and now and having to go over the last year because of my memory and focus. Trying to sum it up…

Anyway we arrange to meet. It causes my heart and brain to awake. I leave my partner of the 7.5 year relationship. And plunder forward with this other woman. What i should have done was ended the relationship before but i didn’t. And i paid the price. I endured the pain and suffering i inflicted and felt beyond bad. This affected me and caused me to disconnect with myself. I then took some time and re woke my brain and heart. But that is when my brain injury happened. This woman has a high intellect and was aware of my issues i struggled with. But the brain injury caused something new altogether. She had raised her son by herself after the father just upped and left. Through his own self centered depression and not wanting to deal with the responsibility of raising a child with somebody who dealt with and coped with every negative part of his nature while trying to share her own positive magnitude along the way. She cut off from her emotions and her heart for 10 years while she raised her son. I then come along and chase her. She gives in. But receive everything she wanted but never received in her life. And then the brain injury happens. I was in a coma for 10 days. She didn’t know what was going to happen. And when i came around i wasn’t the same person, i was far worse. She didn’t have the strength for herself let alone a traumatized child. So she left me…

What followed was the worst time in my entire life. But it was also followed by some of the best times. Even though just before the accident happened we were sat in her car near where i live. In peace. Just looking at each other in the eye. For about an hour. It ended with me just crying nothing but tears of joy for what i was feeling with this 1 woman. Maybe that didn’t help how it felt not having that be a part of my life.

Oh and i also lost my business. So i had to get employment. Got into debt. Had some help. But had to go back to the start in many ways.

Anyway nowadays i am far more positive. But i do lapse backwards once in a while. I wear myself out and don’t spread my focus between the serious aspects and the light, fun, recharging times. I stress and i undo the effort and work that goes into myself and my life. But this is where meditation helps. Sahaja meditation works wonders in a group. And my first lodger is into Buddhist meditation.

Everything happens for a reason. It’s just about processing and learning from everything that happens. Exploring everything we come across. Exploring everything that is available. Well maybe not everything. But seeking out the most important parts in this world. 1 being love. Loving ourselves and sharing this love. Consideration. Understanding. Compassion. Opening our hearts AND our minds.

If you made it this far, well done!

Please feel free to share yourself too! If you’re struggling with some parts of yourself or your life then feel free to ask for help!