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jon kirkham

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 27 total)
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  • #188851
    jon kirkham
    Participant

    Thank you for sharing your own past life experience and what is has done to your mind. I can relate to the whole loveless and lack of nurturing as a child. And it does affect it us, whether we like it or not. Being deprived of the most important aspect in this life does affect us! However, we can use our minds to work around it to some extent. We should also factor in how the other person who hasn’t treated us well, may have been treated even worse before. Affecting them to the point where without seeking help or understanding to repair, then they continue the same path. Unfortunately. So for me, taking that approach and adding it to what i already know, shows me that i don’t know every aspect involved. But what i do have is the present me. And with all the time that passes, i improve and develop from it all! Staying connected with loving ourselves, and knowing that once we are truly connected, we don’t necessarily need another. Just nice to have somebody to share directly with, and vice versa. But we have to believe and trust that this will happen, 1 way or another. Just a case of remembering that we are the 1’s who can truly love ourselves. We can also do the same for others. Which is important. Don’t be greedy, selfish, or numb ourselves from this life. Even if at times the meaning of love and this life just doesn’t feel like much. Just a case of finding productive distractions that remind us. Exercise, seeing different places. Seeing a person smile, and smiling back. Talking to loved 1’s. Talking to strangers, and while you may not know them, we are all the same at the core; hearts and minds. Just how we use them in different ways. But there is still the fundamental aspect at the core. Even if some hide or close it off at times. Nature and wildlife is the easier approach. Watching documentaries. Exploration of this world and our minds. Just a case of working out what you want, and staying true to yourself

    #188847
    jon kirkham
    Participant

    How long was the long term relationship? How many dates since then? How long have you actually been single since then? Just trying to work out if you’ve actually connected with yourself enough. And with regards to a serious relationship; what exactly is it for you? Where you both make plans together. Not 1 m ore than the other. Where even when 1 of you doesn’t have experience with plans (thinking and organising), but is driven to get better with some aspects that stop it all being down to the other… To create something you can both share. Something that enhances life in general. Because after all; love is the most important aspect in this life. But if we haven’t attuned that concept within ourselves to begin with, then we’re going to fail. But failure is just a way of learning. As long as you do actually learn from it all. There’s nothing wrong with being emotional. As long as you can understand why you’re being emotional. What has caused it. And as long as you don’t react to or with it. I guess this is where meditation and mindfulness come in to help us. Try to calm your mind. Maybe imagine talking to him in person. Pouring out your thoughts and emotions. Maybe write it all down. So that you can take an outsider’s perspective  just so you can understand yourself a bit more. But i guess because you told him you do want a serious relationship and he reciprocated, doesn’t mean that is what he wanted. Maybe he didn’t truly know what he wanted. Maybe he still doesn’t. But until he thinks about it, maybe all your efforts aren’t going to help. Which is why talking to others and writing things down just helps release it. You women do mature mentally faster than us men as well. Took me having a brain injury and being in a relationship with a woman who is 11 years older to help me to mature and get to grips with some of these aspects. When life, us and our minds become more than just the words we translate some of these complicated areas .

     

    But please don’t hate yourself or think negatively about the situation. Easier said than done i know only too well. But these are more than just words. Some of my own personal experience. But i’m still learning too. Just see it is a small chapter in your life. If you want my advice, maybe have some time to yourself. How much i don’t know exactly, as i don’t know you. But if you went straight from a long term relationship into dating, then it really is best to actually have some time to yourself. Regain love with yourself. But if you already have, then just try to understand the other person first. This does require time. And maybe this other person isn’t even at the right stage in his life for you. But maybe it will help him too. Just try to calm your emotions and if possible then get to know him better. He may not even know himself completely so that does make it more difficult too. Life is difficult as it is without having to help another who doesn’t even try to help you in the process. But if neither of you have completely connected with yourselves to begin with, then that causes even more to work with. Am i now making it more than what it is? Sorry if i am

    #179411
    jon kirkham
    Participant

    Just a little addition, maybe a bit limited, but; how about a little addition to your perception – in that maybe 1 day it will cotton onto their true self. I know from personal experience what it’s like to not listen to people. Or to also listen but not connect. But how sometimes, eventually, i have finally had the light bulb which has been fired up over a statement that was put forward by somebody, or somebody elses wisdom. Just that some people are slower than others. We don’t know what is going to happen later down the line. So letting frustration pour over a future which you possibly won’t find out about doesn’t help you in the present. Maybe it will work in their favor, maybe it won’t. Nobody knows. However having faith and hoping that with you putting in your best efforts will have a positive effect 1 way or another can alleviate ourselves in a way. Some people can be helped by others, some can’t. Some learn through trial and error. Some people learn from others, while some don’t. It’s not simple at the end of the day. Each and every individual mind is different in multiple ways for multiple reasons. But it doesn’t mean that you should stop or give up in what it is that you’re doing.

     

    But emotions are a bit tricky and can get in the way at times. We never sop learning…

    #163384
    jon kirkham
    Participant

    I’m not exactly an expert on relationships. But I do have a fair bit of experience. Especially when it comes to chasing what I want; love with somebody I connect both mentally and physically. By the way the physical can’t be had without the mental connection to begin with.

    Anyway: in the present I assume you desire love and a committed relationship? If you can muster the courage and acknowledge what it is you want and why it is you want this, then this might help you a little. It’s just there is a lot here to read and I have skimmed some of it. Interested me to hear about your mind set and some of the causes and different paths you have available. From my experience it is just about working out what you want, and why you actually want it. For me it is due to not having a loving or nurturing upbringing. Missing and lacking love in life can’t always be reciprocated unfortunately. Connecting with 1sepf is important. But until you’ve fully connected with every aspect of yourself then it makes it much harder to find that with another individual.

    And going over ‘what ifs’ is far from helpful. You are in the present. The past is helping you learn. You don’t know what the future is going to bring for you. And that is hard to think about and acknowledge. Which is why it is so important to to work on yourself in the present. Look at the positives. Be thank ful. And if there are things you want in your life, then once you’ve worked out what these are, then work out why they are wanted or needed. Then you can start putting things in place to make things work. But still be in the present and believe you can do it. So appreciate yourself for taking these steps. B
    It takes a great deal of time to get to know ourselves, let alone another individual. So go easy on yourself and don’t forget that you are living your life

    #161126
    jon kirkham
    Participant

    my 2 long term relationships started like that. Although they kind of started just for both of us actually going for that aspect of the bedroom antics. But they developed. While the first 1 kind didn’t develop enough making the bedroom the only aspect of the relationship. While the 2nd 1 developed into soo much more than i ever dreamed of. However for a long time the bedroom was the only way we connected. But we now connect mentally. The physical kind of helped a fair bit.

     

    Basically dependent on how developed you both are in yourselves, if there is no further meaning to what you have then chances are it might not last anyway. And i don’t know everything about the pair of you. But then again i guess the same can be said for both of you about each other. But may be it fizzled quickly or now there is no connection. But until you sit down together and talk a bit more extensively sharing more of yourselves with each other, and i don’t mean physically. Sometimes the mental sharing increases the physical spark/desire. Maybe its because you guys don’t spend a huge amount of time together and how he spends a fair bt of time involved with his work that maybe he hasn’t truly connected with himself either? It’s kind fo guess work when you don’t know everything about the individual in question.

    I hope this helps in some form

    #161124
    jon kirkham
    Participant

    Bit delayed b y me, but i have thought about your sincere advice.

    Thank you Inky.

    And thank you Paul. I have actually been using the gratitude journal process and when i’m consistent with it, it really does help.

    And of course a big thank you, as always, to you Anita. Very analytical and spot on too. I have been doing a bit more meditation on daily day to day scenarios. Mindful when eating and just the occasional moment here and there. And that helps me stay calm and override my emotions more regularly now. And it also helps me be more aware of what is causing some of the emotional problems. They stem from something and until you work out what causes them, then regardless of your emotional intelligence, it will still be in the background. So it also helps with being able to diagnose the problem and find a solution where possible.

    And i’m sincerely grateful for you sharing parts of your own knowledge and experience. Your hearts and minds have fueled my heart and my mind too. So again its a big thank you from me to you

    #161122
    jon kirkham
    Participant

    Do you have any aspirations at all? Is there anything you want to spend your time doing other than a means to an end? Do you have hobbies and interests that occupy your spare time?

    Personally i’m in a similar boat. I’m in a not badly paid job. But the actual work doesn’t use much of what i have available to be used. I used to like the job because i can let my mind wander and focus on other parts of my life. But at the moment i’m seeking more than just that. I just want to be able to use my mind a bit more involved with my job. And like you i don’t have a degree. Even though i used to run my own business and have vast experience and knowledge, in order to get a similar job i need a degree to back up the experience. Plus the whole aspect of how degrees supposedly represent a person.

    In terms of not wanting the debt, if you can actually see what is available in more depth. What job you want to do. What options are available and what is required to get said job. Here is my basic example of 1 of my possibilities; For me i think i would like to do psychology but the open university degree is around 17k and would take about 6 years to fulfill. And once qualified the basic psychology jobs start at around average wage of 25k going up to 30+. But i really like the idea of using my mind more than i’ve done so far. Psychology just interests me more because of how complex our minds actually are. And if i could use my mind more productively and help other people then i’d feel like i had more meaning to my existence in this modern world. Plus int he last few years with the time i have spent with psychologist i am just more drawn to what it is they actually do for a living. Makes it more than just a job.

    Maybe the above will help you think a bit more about what it is you could or want to actually be doing

    #151320
    jon kirkham
    Participant

    It’s a complex journey this life we lead. You have to ask more questions to find as many answers as possible. And questions and answers can change. Sit down by yourself and ask yourself the basics and build on them. Talking to people does help. Helps us understand it a bit more when you hear from another perspective or perception. But it’s not a quick and easy process.

    To find out what you have missing in your life first like and list what you do have in your life. Then work out what you do want, what you don’t want..

    #151310
    jon kirkham
    Participant

    Awww… Anita you’re a glimmer at the end of the tunnel for soo many people here. So well done for holding onto your heart and using it in a positive way that helps other people on their journey.

    I hope you manage to find the close intimate relationship you’re searching for. I too can relate to you. My mum hated me for being born and held onto the resentment for me most of my life. But I let go of it, thanks to the havening technique and countless positive affirmations. Even though she hated me being born after being told she wouldn’t have anymore children after my 2nd sister, she didn’t abort me. But it has caused me to seek and need the intimate nurturing I never had as a child. So I relate to the intimate bonding needed when it comes to letting out our emotions. But it also helps if we can understand our emotions and feelings. And after having them caged for soo long it does take time.

    And true and meaningful love causes individuals to grow, develop, and chnage together on this journey. So I hope your husband connects with you the way you need. But even if he doesn’t, it may take time either way, but you will find it

    #151272
    jon kirkham
    Participant

    That’s a fair amount of life kicking you in the butt!

     

    Easier said than done to only look at the positives when the 1 thing you want is to build and create a family. However the whole cat business. I used to love cats. Now I love dogs because you can do more with them. Train and dog walking. And they have broader minds and natures. So for me the whole cat business would be an option I wouldn’t choose. But your heart and nurturing side wants some aspects that having a pet brings to you. Bit do you really want more pain and discomfort? If it is cancer then maybe have it put down. Either that or pay for the treatment which could be funds eithe rises for saving or actually paying for bringing up the potential child that might still pop out. It’s a choice that shouldn’t be left to just you. Your partner is part of it too. So if you haven’t already, sit down and talk about it. Thinking out loud about the options and consequences. It is you and your partners life and future being controlled by your choices and actions.

     

     

    #149769
    jon kirkham
    Participant

    Look at the positives in your life. Focus on those. It’s not about blocking the negatives out as such, they’re not going to go away. They’re still there, sometimes they either subdue, increase or just disappear altogether. Uncertainty is just part of life. Hence why being present is essential. Like some of the other replies; do new things, do enjoyable things together. Having a partner you love and who loves you, together you can drive each other to be more present in the moment and appreciate what you have together, and continue to build on it. You’re still alive, everybody you know and love are still with you, and you’re with them. Make the most out of the time you have.

    Clear your mind of the emotions and be present with the fact you’re alive and think of the positives in your life.

    There are no easy words or actions other people can do to help you as much as you and your mind can enable you to do yourself. But people still care, we care, else why else would we try and express ourselves to you, spiritual hugs and heart felt sincere smile that also radiate from my eyes – be present in the moment

    #149767
    jon kirkham
    Participant

    1 thing i use nowadays are positive affirmations.

    You can find them online to give you an idea, but may i suggest writing your own down first. The areas you doubt yourself in where other people have commended you in but you yourself still doubt. Just affirm yourself on a regular basis. When you start your day, when you look yourself in the mirror, when you’re sitting down for a peaceful moment – basically whenever you can – do it! Something simple to begin with perhaps like “Just smile”, or “I’m growing and developing”

    The only person who is holding yourself back is yourself. I discovered this about myself too. Letting fear and anxiety hold me back from being who i am today! The main aspect to implement is being positive. Drive yourself mentally.

    Works wonders for me. Took a while to implement. And i found a positive affirmation ap that really helps too, gives notifications 3 times a day, and you can set it to give you notifications at certain times too. Its called: affirmation reminder.

    Also just looking at what you’re doing. Helps if you can calm your emotions. Just be positive and trust that you will succeed when you can focus and put your all into it. Even if you make mistakes, see them as lessons. Learn from them

    #149701
    jon kirkham
    Participant

    Hi Cee, just wondered if there has been any progress made at all? Have you connected at all? Is he sorting himself out?

     

    I think the fact he was honest with you is pretty decent. Not many men are in touch with their feelings and thoughts so that’s certainly a positive. And being able to be ho nest with you. And maybe the “casual” side is also about intimacy. Regardless of being heartbroken we all still ant a connection with another person. But it does take a considerable amount of time to move forward past the love for another. Something i have a fair bit of experience in. I was in a relationship that stemmed on deep meaningful love, which ended when something tragic happened and neither of us were strong enough to support each other. We had a year apart, reconnected and then spent the best 1.5 years together. But as per usual, restrictions and barriers stemming from both of our pasts has caused it to possibly finish altogether. Even in that year when were apart i only really compared other women to her. I still do. When you truly connect with another and see sides of them that nobody else has seen then it makes it even more difficult. I don’t know if this is similar to what this guy is feeling/dealing with, maybe it relates. It takes a great deal of time to truly get to know everything there is to know about a person. And even then there are situations and scenarios which do cause us to change, develop. And sometimes more than we become aware of in time to do the appropriate action before something restricts us. And then there are times when we have to overcome restrictions and barriers in order to move onto the next stage/path.

    Anyway if you feel like sharing…

    #125251
    jon kirkham
    Participant

    Sometimes some people remind others of the pain they inflict because they don’t want them to repeat. Remembering we hurt another individual does sometimes help us remember how we caused and can stop us from repeating. But i do agree that forgiveness does not really involve doing that habit.

    Maybe that person is just hurt inside and doesn’t truly forgive the other person who caused it. Sounds like they might need to work on forgiveness and the whole broader side of it, rather than it just being a word

    #125250
    jon kirkham
    Participant

    Well i’m certainly not in my dream lifestyle. But if it wasn’t for being aware of your thoughts relating to what you want your lifestyle to consist of then how would we know how to make it happen? As long as it is what you actually want. Some people get stuck and feel they are never going to get their dream a reality. Sometimes its laziness. Sometimes it is simply because it is not want they truly want, it is just a dream. Realizing what we really really want is sometimes very difficult. I used to think i wanted a family. Wanted to create a family in the opposite way to i was created. But this changed into wanting to explore and experience more in this world and with regards to developing more as an individual, and working out what it is that i want along the way. Some people know what they want from a young age. Some of us don’t cotton on till later in our years. Experience helps a great deal. Sometimes we dream of a certain type of lifestyle and when we make it happen it’s far from how we pictured it. Sometimes what we perceive as far from a dream is actually what we want when we experience it first hand.

    So i guess it’s also related to experience. What we learn along the way encourages and develops our perspective relating to what it is that we actually want in this world. Many options, but what are the most important options available that you want??

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