fbpx
Menu

how to listen to my heart (2)

HomeForumsEmotional Masteryhow to listen to my heart (2)

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #150920
    Chelle
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It’s Michelle – I hope you are well. I wrote in here almost 1 year ago now, on how to listen to my heart. And I just really would love to follow up on that. 3 months ago I went travelling – backpacking, nothing planned. Just following my heart – 100% as you said, not 70%. Start from the heart.

    So everything I did and the places I went I just let my heart guide me. Then magical things happened. There were a lot of walls that I had to break, re-evaluate my values and boundaries. And most of all was that living with a beginner’s mind helped me a lot to re-learn a lot of the concepts and values I thought I had.

    You were absolutely right. And I can now 100% see what you meant before about me living in a vacuum when I was a child and possibly til now. There were and still a lot of insights coming from that trip, but right now and the most important insight I have is about my all time craving for connections. Intimacy. Deep connections with others. And the love I get when people hold me like a baby. Like a mother would hold a baby in her arms. And now I can totally see why and where that came from. Because I never had that when I was a child.

    So after all these examinations, and re-learning, what do I do next? Will this craving for deep connections always be part of me now? And will I be able to reconnect with my mother? Re-build a bonding with my mother? I believe that’s the first step to building healthy strong relationships with others.

    Thank you for listening again.

    Michelle

    #150924
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Michelle:

    I am thrilled that you are back! And I am well, thank you. I need and want to read our past communications before I respond further and answer your questions best I can.

    It used to be easy to read previous threads- simply clicked on a member’s username and got all past posts by the member, list of all threads started and replied to. This feature doesn’t work anymore, for some reason. Is it possible for you to post here a link to your previous thread of almost a year ago? If not I can go back page by page.

    Looking forward to re-reading past communications and continuing here. Glad you had a good time traveling, that magical things happened. Magical things can still happen…

    anita

    #150926
    Chelle
    Participant

    Dearest Anita,

    I’m so happy to hear from you, and glad to know that you are well.

    here’s the link to our previous conversation:

    https://tinybuddha.com/topic/how-to-listen-to-my-heart-better/

    I look forward to hearing what you would say. It’d be insightful again I’m sure.

    And yes, I also believe that magical things can still happen.

    Michelle

    #150960
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Michelle:

    I appreciate the link. First thing I noticed is the 70%/ 100% item. In your first thread you wrote regarding your marriage: “I thought I wanted someone who just needs to understand me 70% and the rest I keep to myself..” On this thread you wrote about your travel: “just following my heart- 100% as you said, not 70%”

    This percentage item is leading me to the following understanding: Your childhood experience was lonely, lacking intimacy with your parents/ others.  Your experience was “living in a vacuum when I was a child and possibly til now.”- vacuum= disconnected to others. This lonely experience explains your experience with sadness: “Sadness is a terrible thing for me” (previous thread).

    The human tendency is to over-compensate, going to unrealistic/ ineffective extremes. When a person is overly hungry, the person is inclined to overly eat, which is ineffective because it causes discomfort and distress. When a person had a lonely childhood, a person is inclined to expect nothing but a 100% intimacy in a relationship, which is … not possible.

    I don’t know the current state of your marriage. A realistic assessment of compatibility and intimacy possible is required, taking into consideration the over-compensation tendency.

    You asked here, on this thread:

    “Will this craving for deep connections always be part of me now?”- a need to connect is a human need. It doesn’t expire with age. The intensity of the need, the craving- as you become connected in the future- will lessen.

    “And will I be able to reconnect with my mother? Re-build a bonding with my mother?”-

    I believe that attempting to build a bond with your mother is a futile,  not at all helpful. I will explain:

    I read a long time ago that the reason baby/ very young animals have those round faces and look so cute is so to attract the attention- and connection- from the adult parents. The child is very highly motivated to connect and reaches out constantly for connection, needing it for survival. When a child grows up without the mother’s adequate attention and connection, it is not because of lack of effort by the child (or by nature itself), but because of failure on the part of the mother.

    All the years of your childhood, when you were as cute as you were, reaching out as desperately as you did, she did not attend to you/ connect with you. It is highly unlikely that now, at the age of 34 (correct?),  she will attend and connect with you (not in the ways you need).

    You see, as true to yesterday when you wrote this thread, you are STILL trying to reach out to your mother, you are still trying to connect with her. It failed before, over a long, long time, with your very best efforts. Better give up on connection with her.

    (There was no bond, so there is none to “RE-build”- it is the craving for a bond that you are re-experiencing)

    You wrote: “I believe that’s (a bond with your mother) the first step to building healthy strong relationships with others.”- it would have been the first step if … it happened, the bond. But it didn’t happen and a childhood can not be re-created with a different mother… and so, the bonding needs to be with someone else.

    Let me know of your thoughts and feelings about my input/ your life.

    anita

     

     

    #150988
    Chelle
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your reply.

    Yes you are right. My childhood was lonely – at least from what I remember. But maybe my memories are distorted. I was sent to study in boarding school alone when I was 12, from what I remember, those years of boarding school I didn’t have very close friends and family is in another country. Whenever I tell my mother that I wanted to leave and go back home, she’d comfort me with her words. There were no showing of physical affections (well she couldn’t because we were in different countries). And so yes, probably that led me to think sadness is terrible. Because whenever I am sad, I was taught that I need to rationalise it, and I can only be comforted by rationalisation.

    So I have to mention something that happened during the trip. The magic that I said. I was trekking with 2 other women, one is a mother and the other is her daughter in Nepal. That day I was sick and I had low sugar in my body, I almost fainted. That mother hold me like a child, stroked my hair, put me on her thigh and just rock me like a baby. For the first time I felt that being weak and vulnerable is okay. There’s someone there to comfort me, and love me, even though she isn’t my real mother. If it was my mother would probably give me something to eat, and let me lie down on my own. Another experience I had was when I was in Munich, I was very sad, my friend would hold me tight and tell me it’ll be okay. Both experiences led me to realise that when I’m sad, I didn’t have to talk myself out of misery, not at that moment. I can just feel sad and it is okay, and I will be comforted.

    Back to the topic of marriage, previously you told me to discover what it is, what is in it. I tried to explore what marriage is, what love is, what it means to me, what I want in a marriage. I don’t need a 100% intimacy relationship, but I need some, probably more than most people. And I find that to be connected, I need to be vulnerable, and show my vulnerability. In the last thread, you said ““Something is just not right”- you know it but your awareness of what it is that is wrong, the awareness is limited. You “can’t explain” because your eyes, figuratively, are closed. You don’t want to see what is painful to see.”. Now I think I can see clearly what wasn’t right. The relationship we have is very logical, to me it’s lacking emotional bonding, especially when I feel sad or angry. When I show him my vulnerable side, he would, like my real mother, try to talk me out of misery or anger. Or he would leave me alone until I’m calmed down and then talk about it. Yes I agree sometimes this is a better solution, yet I also need the physical closeness to feel that I’m needed or loved especially when I am vulnerable.

    You are probably right about the bonding with my real mother – that it will not happen, at least not the ways I need.

    So now knowing what I want and need for bonding, is it possible to tell e.g. my husband that this is what I need to feel connected? Will expressing this help in current relationships with other people? Or as you said, bonding needs to be with someone else?

    Thanks Anita, sorry this is a long reply.

    Michelle

     

    #151004
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Michelle:

    A powerful share, above. I want to re-read it tomorrow morning and give it the attention it deserves. Will reply in 10-12 hours.

    anita

    #151050
    Inky
    Participant

    I love this post, guys!!

    Inky 🙂

    #151066
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Love having you here, Inky.

    Dear Michelle:

    You are welcome.

    You wrote: “My childhood was lonely…But maybe my memories are distorted.”- memories of order of events in time and place are often not accurate (such is the nature of memory), but your emotional-memory, the feeling of it, is accurate. You felt lonely because you were emotionally alone, unattended to.

    You wrote: “whenever I am sad, I was taught (by your mother) that I need to rationalise it, and I can only be comforted by rationalization… The magic… in Nepal. That day I was sick and I had low sugar in my body, I almost fainted. That mother hold me like a child, stroked my hair, put me on her thigh and just rock me like a baby. For the first time I felt that being weak and vulnerable is okay. There’s someone there to comfort me… If it was my mother would probably give me something to eat, and let me lie down on my own.”

    When the woman in Nepal held you, stroked your hair, put you on her thigh and rocked you like a baby, she sent you the message that you are okay when you feel weak and vulnerable, that it is acceptable to feel this way and that you are lovable when feeling weak and vulnerable.

    When your mother tried to talk you out of your feelings, rationalizing, and not comforting you physically (beyond food…), she taught you that you are not okay when you feel weak and vulnerable, that it is unacceptable to feel this way and that you are not lovable when feeling weak and vulnerable.

    This is why you “buried your heart for that long” (from a previous post), because you believed, based on the teaching you received, that your heart is … well, unacceptable, unlovable.

    “in Munich, I was very sad, my friend would hold me tight and tell me it’ll be okay… led me to realise that when I’m sad, I didn’t have to talk myself out of misery, not at that moment. I can just feel sad and it is okay, and I will be comforted.”- It is acceptable to feel weak, vulnerable and sad. You are lovable when you feel these.

    “to be connected, I need to be vulnerable, and show my vulnerability… The relationship we (you and your husband) have is very logical, to me it’s lacking emotional bonding, especially when I feel sad or angry. When I show him my vulnerable side, he would, like my real mother, try to talk me out of misery or anger.” – and so, he is sending you the same message as the one you received as a child: it is unacceptable and you are unlovable when you feel weak, vulnerable, sad or angry.

    You continued: “Or he would leave me alone until I’m calmed down and then talk about it. Yes I agree sometimes this is a better solution, yet I also need the physical closeness to feel that I’m needed or loved especially when I am vulnerable.”- your need for physical comforting/ closeness when feeling these ways is non-negotiable.

    “So now knowing what I want and need for bonding, is it possible to tell e.g. my husband that this is what I need to feel connected?”-

    as I wrote above, your need for physical comfort is non-negotiable. Yes, tell your husband how strong your need is, how required, how necessary.

    If after you tell him, he cannot or will not provide you with such comforting (give him some time to practice this new behavior on his part), with the sincerity and intent of comforting you, then- since you don’t have children- separation and divorce is what I would recommend.

    Because your need is non-negotiable.

    anita

     

    #151150
    Chelle
    Participant

    Inky: Haha. Thanks

    Dear Anita,

    When I read your reply last night, I was beyond words. Finally, everything is unfolding, and I see the light. This morning I re-read it again. And you are spot on with so many things.

    I can understand why my real mother unconsciously treat me this way, and I believe that she doesn’t even know how she was treated was passed onto me. Everything is about her childhood too, how she was treated and how she learned. I don’t blame her at all, and I’m just so grateful and happy that I can break this pattern. That I can live for myself. Breaking free.

    “That’s why I buried my heart for so long.” Yes. Even though I’m learning the new behavioural pattern of showing vulnerability and asking for what I want, I can still see my habitual behaviour sometimes, that I just want to numb the sadness inside me and act cool about what had happened. I guess as you mentioned in the last post, I need to keep practising in interactions with people so to be better at listening and following my heart.

    About my marriage, you wrote “my need is non-negotiable”. That pierced into my heart in a good way. You are absolutely right. And what you wrote also led me to think that I also need this from my partner. That he also loves physical comfort. That he is also willing to share his vulnerability, and shows his feelings. I think this emotional sharing is vital for me in a relationship to feel connected.

    I’m so happy and grateful that this has cleared up a lot. Not 100% yet but at least it has unravelled a lot of the issues that came from my childhood and what impact it made on me. I look forward to the continuation of the magic.

    Thank you Anita.

    #151184
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Michelle:

    You are very welcome. Once again, I want to re-read your post and reply in the morning, when I hope to be more focused than I am now. That is in ten hours or so. Take good care of you.

    anita

    #151214
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Michelle:

    You are welcome. I too hope for more of this magic in your life- the magic of being loved. It will take time and perseverance to undo old learnings (to hide your heart) and practice new behaviors. There is discomfort in the process, and that is why perseverance is required, keep going even when distressed, through the distress involved.

    Post anytime and I will be glad to reply.

    anita

    #151268
    Chelle
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your kind and insightful words as always. I think it takes a lot of courage to undo old learnings and perseverance to change and keep up with the new behaviour. But I will try my best not to fall back into the comfort zone.

    Best,

    Michelle

    #151286
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Michelle:

    Courage and perseverance, patience with the process, empathy for yourself, gentleness.

    You are welcome, hope you post anytime you feel the need to. Would like very much to read from you again.

    anita

    #151310
    jon kirkham
    Participant

    Awww… Anita you’re a glimmer at the end of the tunnel for soo many people here. So well done for holding onto your heart and using it in a positive way that helps other people on their journey.

    I hope you manage to find the close intimate relationship you’re searching for. I too can relate to you. My mum hated me for being born and held onto the resentment for me most of my life. But I let go of it, thanks to the havening technique and countless positive affirmations. Even though she hated me being born after being told she wouldn’t have anymore children after my 2nd sister, she didn’t abort me. But it has caused me to seek and need the intimate nurturing I never had as a child. So I relate to the intimate bonding needed when it comes to letting out our emotions. But it also helps if we can understand our emotions and feelings. And after having them caged for soo long it does take time.

    And true and meaningful love causes individuals to grow, develop, and chnage together on this journey. So I hope your husband connects with you the way you need. But even if he doesn’t, it may take time either way, but you will find it

    #151326
    Chelle
    Participant

    Dear Jon,

    No doubt Anita has shed lights on many people here.

    Thank you. I think I know exactly what I want from a relationship, but I still am searching for it. I’m sorry to hear about your childhood experience. And I am sure you would understand my situation too, with that experience before. It feels good to hear that I’m not alone on this (even though it’s not something that I would want others to experience).

    Love is a difficult topic and concept. There’s so many types of love and one has to dive in and really pull it apart to understand what it means to an individual, and what boundaries are important for that particular individual. I just hope I get better at this, without hurting too many people on the way.

    All the best.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.