January 24, 2018 at 10:05 am #188617
I have been through several similar situations. What I have learned most recently (since basically the same thing happened that youre going through) is that this keeps reoccurring because I have not solved the root of the problem. When we place our worth on someone else- then we get ‘rejected’ – it hurts so badly because there is some type of void there already. I know you stated its still bothering you and you are ruminating on what you could have done differently. There is nothing you can do to fix the past. All you can do is learn how to be authentic and loving to yourself in the future. Consider him a lesson, and I am sending you positive vibes. I sure know the feeling and I know how hard it is!January 24, 2018 at 12:48 pm #188747
Honestly, thank you all so much for your replies and support. It’s been hard to talk about this with my friends since it was such a short relationship, I don’t think they’d understand.
Mark – That article that you posted was so accurate and helpful. I really wish that I had read it sooner. Do you have any other reading suggestions on this topic?January 24, 2018 at 12:57 pm #188751
Sarah, I believe that relationships are self-selecting, i.e. if it does not work out then there is a good reason for it. It does suck when the other person does the breaking up though.
Each relationship and the breakup is a learning experience for me. It not only tells a lot about the other person but it reveals my own reaction to it. I notice which areas of pain gets touched on, what hot buttons were pushed, and why I chose such a person for their revealed and then-hidden characteristics and qualities.
Each time I get to be more mindful about those areas of myself that need to be healed, to be paid attention to. Relationships give me opportunities to discern more, to pay attention more, to address how I can be more compassionate… with myself and with the other.
MarkJanuary 24, 2018 at 1:11 pm #188755
I’m glad you found the article on Attachment Style useful.
All I did was Google “Anxious Attachment dating.”
Here are more:
I like this book:
Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship
MarkJanuary 25, 2018 at 5:02 am #188847
How long was the long term relationship? How many dates since then? How long have you actually been single since then? Just trying to work out if you’ve actually connected with yourself enough. And with regards to a serious relationship; what exactly is it for you? Where you both make plans together. Not 1 m ore than the other. Where even when 1 of you doesn’t have experience with plans (thinking and organising), but is driven to get better with some aspects that stop it all being down to the other… To create something you can both share. Something that enhances life in general. Because after all; love is the most important aspect in this life. But if we haven’t attuned that concept within ourselves to begin with, then we’re going to fail. But failure is just a way of learning. As long as you do actually learn from it all. There’s nothing wrong with being emotional. As long as you can understand why you’re being emotional. What has caused it. And as long as you don’t react to or with it. I guess this is where meditation and mindfulness come in to help us. Try to calm your mind. Maybe imagine talking to him in person. Pouring out your thoughts and emotions. Maybe write it all down. So that you can take an outsider’s perspective just so you can understand yourself a bit more. But i guess because you told him you do want a serious relationship and he reciprocated, doesn’t mean that is what he wanted. Maybe he didn’t truly know what he wanted. Maybe he still doesn’t. But until he thinks about it, maybe all your efforts aren’t going to help. Which is why talking to others and writing things down just helps release it. You women do mature mentally faster than us men as well. Took me having a brain injury and being in a relationship with a woman who is 11 years older to help me to mature and get to grips with some of these aspects. When life, us and our minds become more than just the words we translate some of these complicated areas .
But please don’t hate yourself or think negatively about the situation. Easier said than done i know only too well. But these are more than just words. Some of my own personal experience. But i’m still learning too. Just see it is a small chapter in your life. If you want my advice, maybe have some time to yourself. How much i don’t know exactly, as i don’t know you. But if you went straight from a long term relationship into dating, then it really is best to actually have some time to yourself. Regain love with yourself. But if you already have, then just try to understand the other person first. This does require time. And maybe this other person isn’t even at the right stage in his life for you. But maybe it will help him too. Just try to calm your emotions and if possible then get to know him better. He may not even know himself completely so that does make it more difficult too. Life is difficult as it is without having to help another who doesn’t even try to help you in the process. But if neither of you have completely connected with yourselves to begin with, then that causes even more to work with. Am i now making it more than what it is? Sorry if i amJanuary 25, 2018 at 5:24 am #188857
Thanks, Jon. My long term relationship was 6 years. I cared for him a lot but did not see a future together. We had grown apart and I wasn’t happy. I was not interested in being in a relationship, but a few months after that ended I started casually seeing another man. I was not very attached for the first few months, but eventually I fell for him. He told me that he loved me but was not ready to be serious with anyone. I (stupidly) kept seeing him for about a year. Then, he ghosted me – no argument, no goodbye, nothing.
After that I jumped into another 4 month long relationship. This man was very kind but we had nothing in common and I ended things. Then, I had about three shorter term “relationships”. They were each 4-8 weeks. Two of them broke up with me with an explanation (see above) and one ghosted me. This last one has hit me very hard, I really thought that I had found someone I could see a future with, but he did not feel the same way.
I don’t like dating very much because of my sensitive nature. I hate hurting other people’s feelings and I get hurt very easily. I want to be in a serious relationship. To me, that means spending quality time together, confiding in each other, trusting each other and eventually taking “next steps” like living together, getting married, etc.
I’ve decided to take a dating break for the next few months then reevaluate. The anxiety I felt with this last relationship made me absolutely miserable. The weekend that he was at the wedding and I didn’t hear from him I literally felt paralyzed. I couldn’t go out with my friends, run errands, etc. I never want to feel like that again.January 25, 2018 at 5:52 am #188863
On page two of your thread you wrote: “I keep ruminating on all the things I should have done differently to ‘keep’ him. Any advice on that?”- same advice as I gave you earlier on your thread: be real from the very beginning of a relationship, not viewing your participation in it as a performance aimed at keeping a man interested, but view it as you being real and him being real, connecting gradually.
Find the middle way between playing it cool and acting overly emotional, act authentically, assertively.
I hope your relationship break is a time of rest and revival for you, that clarity of thinking will result.
anitaMarch 13, 2018 at 6:49 am #197031
So, he texted me out of nowhere the other night. He said “Hey I hope you’re doing well.” I replied “I am, thanks! Hope all’s good with you too.” He said that he saw something that reminded him of me (an inside joke) and we exchanged a few texts before he stopped replying.
I’m confused as to why he would reach out when we haven’t had any contact since he ended things. I still think about him and miss him sometimes, but was definitely moving on. Then, when I saw the text I thought that maybe he’d want to get back together or something. I guess that’s not the case, so I’m just kind wondering.. what’s the point of reaching out?
I’m just kind of venting and could use some outside perspective.March 13, 2018 at 8:02 am #197037
You wrote on the previous page of your thread: “I tend to act cool at first, then kind of ‘blow up’ with emotion. I’m usually attracted to very laid back, outgoing and charismatic guys, I’m the opposite of that.”
Before he texted you “out of nowhere” the other night, maybe he remembered that cool person you were with him at first, missing that person, so he texted you. Later he remembered that angry person you were later on, the one that stressed him (his words as you reported earlier), so he lost interest.
anitaMarch 13, 2018 at 12:40 pm #197093
Thanks, Anita. I’m sure you’re right. I was tempted to ask him to get together, but that’s probably not a great idea.March 14, 2018 at 5:08 am #197153
You are welcome. The opportunity for a loving relationship is probably in the next relationship, with someone new, a relationship in which you will do your part in increasing the chances of it being the relationship you need it to be, from evaluating the man over time, getting to know him before getting too emotionally invested, to taking the middle-way between acting cool and blowing up with emotions, that is communicating honestly, gradually opening up, bit by bit as you get to know him.