January 16, 2018 at 5:42 am #186983
I am sorry it is over like this but I guess maybe it is for the best. I am sure you will eventually realize too that it was for good that it is over.
Try to write this down of whatever he did to you in a journal and read it every time you miss him, it will work as a reminder that he wasn't meant for you. Also, eventually try to truly forgive him for what he did to you…this will really help you to move on.
Try reading the blog of ‘letting it go' here. I think it is great.January 16, 2018 at 6:44 am #186995
I'm so sorry Sarah,
Keep posting if you would like. We are here for you. You can do better than this guy, he has no idea what he wants. His loss. Stay strong.January 16, 2018 at 7:00 am #186997
I understand that you are upset. I have sort of a rule, or a way I often react to distress- when I get distressed, I get curious. I ask myself: what can I learn from this?
If you are interested in learning and would like to engage with me in such, will share about the argument you had with him Friday, what was it about and what was said by you and by him?
anitaJanuary 16, 2018 at 8:00 am #187013
Anita – I'm sure that the argument on Friday was compounded by the anxiety I had been feeling the past week. It was a pretty long conversation, so I'll try to include everything I can remember in case it is relevant:
As I said, we had seen each other Tuesday, but had no plans for the weekend. I had told him that I would be out of town Saturday, so I was hoping that he would make plans for Friday night. We had been texting back and forth all day Friday. He had not asked to see me, so I made plans with friends. Finally, I asked him what he was doing that night. He told me that he was getting dinner with some friends then grabbing some drinks (I have met his friends multiple times and had gone out with them before). I felt hurt that he didn't invite me and that he was not prioritizing spending time with me, so I sent him a passive aggressive text (I know that was a bad idea). It read: “Ok, have a good night. Bye.”
He called me and asked me what was wrong. I told him that I was really hoping to see him that weekend, and that I was disappointed that he did not make plans. He responded that he didn't know that I wanted to see him that night, and asked me if I wanted to go with him to dinner. I said that I already had plans, so he said something like, “then why are you even mad?” He told me that he didn't think that it was a big deal that he was going out with his friends and that he had assumed that he would see me at some point that weekend. I told him that it would have been nice if he had tried to make plans with me, and that it made me nervous when I didn't know when we would see each other again. He said that he thinks that I am taking out my past relationship on him (I previously told him that I had been ghosted by a man I had dated for a year). He then told me that I was stressing him out and that he should not be stressed this early in a relationship. I apologized for the passive aggressive text, but he seemed very irritated. I asked him if he still wanted to see me, and he said that he wasn't sure and that he was going to think about it.
Sunday when he called me he still sounded irritated. He simply said, “I can't do this.” I said, “I really care about you. Are you sure you don't want to talk about things and give it another chance?” That's when he said that he just wasn't ready for something serious at all. I said “I understand. I had fun with you and I'll miss you.” He said “I know.” That's how we left it.January 16, 2018 at 8:52 am #187029
I too would be upset too, if I was you, that he again didn't make plans to see me, after the Tuesday get together. Unless I somehow played it cool, communicating to him that I am not really interested in seeing him soon. Any chance you communicated such to him?
I read parts of your previous thread, trying to understand better this short relationship in context of the previous one, the one with Steve. You wrote there: “Basically, I said that I was sorry about how I acted (I tried to play it off and blamed it on drinking too much) and he said he prefers t be around more ‘laid back' people and that he didn't think this was going to work”
Is there a chance, I am wondering, that on one hand you play it cool, aloof perhaps, and then you … sort of explode a bit with emotion, confusing the man?
(I am still motivated to learn/ help you learn from your experiences, therefore I ask)
<span style=”font-family: Arial;”> </span>January 16, 2018 at 10:39 am #187051
Thanks, Anita. I don't think that I communicated that I did not want to see him again. We had a pattern of seeing each other 2-3 times a week, and almost always had plans at least one day out of the weekend. Whenever he would ask me out, I almost always said yes (and if not, I would offer another day that worked for me).
When we first starting dating, he would ask a few days in advance for a date. The past few weeks, though, he started asking last minute. This made me feel anxious and I never knew when we would see each other again. I probably should have communicated that to him.
I think that you have a valid point regarding trying to play it “cool” at the beginning of relationships. I don't want to come off as too needy, so if something bothers me I kind of bottle it up until something (seemingly) small sets me off. On one hand, I can see how this can be confusing. However, I can't help but think that my gut was telling me something and when he did not make plans to see me Friday it really went off. I felt as though he had lost interest, and his tone with me Sunday kind of affirmed that. He did not seem sad to end things at all. He almost sounded annoyed that he even had to call me.
Of course, now my mind is in overdrive trying to figure our how to “fix” this, even though I know he is done. I want to text him so badly today, but deep down I know that would not help anything.January 16, 2018 at 11:09 am #187055
If there is something for you to fix, I would aim at fixing it in the next relationship. Because of the short duration of this one, and his sentiment expressed to you, reads to me that it is too late for this one. Not that the responsibility is all yours for this one ending. But whatever it was that you were indeed responsible for, that you can fix in the next relationship.
Find the middle ground between playing it cool and appearing too needy. Here is my suggestion: aim at honest, truthful communication above all. Be clear and direct.
Here is how it is possible, I believe, to be truthful and to not appear overly needy: if you use a strong tone, a confident tone and maybe a small smile when you say to a man: “I am needy” or “I am definitely needy”- it won't sound overly needy. Don't say it with a little girl' voice with a question mark at the end of your statement. State it like a strong woman. If he then asks you how you are needy, tell him the truth, again, with a strong woman tone. There is strength in doing that.
anitaJanuary 17, 2018 at 5:57 am #187183
I'm sure you're right, and I will refrain from reaching out to him.
I can't help but get discouraged, though. I have been dating consistently for years (after a long term relationship ended), and I feel like I keep driving men away. Everything always starts so great in the beginning, but then I feel like I do something to mess it up. I've tried to learn from my mistakes, but it seems that I just keep repeating them. I'm exhausted.January 17, 2018 at 6:30 am #187187
You are exhausted, then rest. If you agree that being honest, direct, truthful and yet self respecting is the right way to go, you can practice it now, outside the context of a relationship with a man. You can practice it in your interactions with anyone and everyone. It will then become a habit that will be easier to implement in your next beginning relationship.
A relationship shouldn't be about a performance, making sure the man has a good time and then choose to be with you forevermore. It is about being real with him from the start, get to know him gradually and let him know you gradually. Not a good idea to start with a false front, planning on becoming real later on. True front from the beginning, then reveal more of that true front gradually, if the relationship is safe and increasingly loving.
anitaJanuary 17, 2018 at 7:29 pm #187339
My post gonna be so late to tell share you what I've been thinking after read your post.
Well, this consider as he not interest in you. If a man truly love or like you, he will get time to text you even he is busy and say sorry or ask you how r u etc. But he didn't. I think after he met with you because he want to make sure that you are his type or not, you both can get along with each other or not, so that why after meeting with you, he started to act something strange.January 18, 2018 at 6:25 am #187367
Yes, he clearly was not interested anymore. Everything was so great until it suddenly wasn't. I just cant stop thinking about all of the great things he said to me, and then how he ended it so coldly. Dating is so confusing.January 22, 2018 at 3:46 pm #188191
I would look at your pattern of driving men away. What is the common thing about that? Is it the type of men that you attract and are attracted to? Is there something each has said for the reason why it was not working for them? Each relationship is a learning opportunity to know more about yourself.
Have you read the Five Languages of Love? Google that. It seems that you need Quality Time as the primary language. Plus you might want to check into Attachment Styles (anxious, avoidant, secure). https://www.psychologytoday.com/tests/relationships/relationship-attachment-style-test
My guess is that you are an Anxious attachment person.
These things are good to know when you are in relationship, knowing why you react and feel the way you do and how to communicate with your partner.
Going back to your now defunct relationship, communicating how much and what kind of communication you desired would have been useful.
There are always going to be differences and different needs/wants between partners, the key is to be able to communicate and understand each other so that you each can deal with the differences and help with each other's needs/wants.
MarkJanuary 22, 2018 at 4:39 pm #188199
Dear Sarah – Stop waiting for him to text , put your phone down and go out meet friends hang out with other people. If he does not show interest its his loss.
Do not get played by these mind games. He may be a nice guy and if he is he will contact you and make plans if not then it was just not meant to be meanwhile have fun.January 24, 2018 at 8:52 am #188571
Thanks for the new replies. Its been a few weeks and I'm still really upset. I keep ruminating on all of the things I should have done differently to “keep” him. Any advice on that?
Mark – There have only been two cases where I was given an explanation for the man leaving. The other times they've “ghosted” me, or I decided to end things. For these two times, however, it was because I let my emotions get the best of me. As someone said on page 1, I tend to act cool at first, then kind of “blow up” with emotion. I'm usually attracted to very laid back, outgoing and charismatic guys. I'm the opposite of that.January 24, 2018 at 9:42 am #188605
Ruminating or dwelling on the “what ifs” and the negatives is tough. You may want to sit down and put down on paper why the relationship did not work out and why it is for the best. Focusing on those two things may help you to move on.
Check out Anxious Attachment for that may be a factor in why you drive men away. https://aloftyexistence.wordpress.com/2012/01/16/dating-survival-tips-anxious-attachment/
You may also want to try a different type of guy to date next time and see how that works.