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Is he losing interest, or am I overthinking?

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This topic contains 40 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by  anita 9 months ago.

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  • #185605

    Sarah
    Participant

    Hi – I’ve written in about past relationship problems, and the advice here helped, so I figured I’d give it another shot!

    I’ve been seeing someone for about two months. Up until last week, he seemed very interested. He would text me every day, make plans to see me about 2-3 times a week, invite me to hang out with his friends, and we have agreed to be exclusive. But for about a week, I feel like he’s started to get distant.

    This past weekend, he was in a wedding and I know that it took up a lot of his time throughout the week and over the weekend. But, he did not make much effort regarding communicating with me. He initiated a few conversations with me, but not really at the same “rate.” If I started a conversation, he would reply, but it would die out after a few exchanges. He also did not make an effort to see me at all last week (we haven’t seen each other in about 10 days now).

    Now the wedding is over and I am really hoping that we can see each other soon, but he hasn’t nailed down any plans. I texted him last night to see how the wedding was and later asked if he wanted to get together this week. He responded “Yes that would be great!” but I haven’t heard anything else.

    I’m writing in to see if anyone has any advice or has been in a similar situation before. I am hoping that he was just busy last week and everything will return to normal soon, but I tend to overthink things and I do not want to get too anxious or drive him away. Any insight is helpful.

    #185611

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sarah:

    It can be that he was just busy. His response to you reads enthusiastic.

    The fact that this relationship is so new, and you didn’t see each other for ten days, would be a concern to me, in your place, with the little information I have. Simply because there hasn’t been more time before the ten days.

    This is truly a case where time will tell. If you don’t contact him today and he doesn’t either, that would be very telling. I am thinking that today is critical in evaluating this beginning relationship.

    If you initiate contacting him today, again, that will prolong the waiting on your part, not knowing what is going on. This is so because he may be unassertive (like the guy from September). So, I would wait for him to contact you.

    I hope you post again anytime during this waiting. I hope it will not be a long wait and that the relationship will continue well.

    anita

    #185615

    Sarah
    Participant

    Yeah, I know that I should wait for him to contact me today. I told myself I would do the same thing yesterday, but I got so anxious I ended up texting him. I’m assuming the worse, but I really hope I’m wrong.

    #185621

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sarah:

    To endure today’s anxiety, there are many options that may help you. You can try one or a few and see which works, depending on your schedule and time today. You can take a fast walk/ do some aerobic exercise, or other type of exercise, yoga, listen to calming music, talk to people (not to him, of course), post here, and so forth.

    Maybe it will help (it may hinder, though, you decide) to share any relevant information you have about the relationship that may help figure out what is going on with him at this time. I will read and give you my input.

    anita

    #185625

    Sarah
    Participant

    Thanks, Anita. I’m at work and have been trying to keep myself as busy as possible, but now I’m starting to fixate on this (this is around the time he would normally text me, but nothing). I have plans for after work, but I have a few hours to go until then…

    So, we met about two months ago via a dating app. Our first date was amazing – he texted me that night saying that it was the best first date he’s been on. Since then, we’ve been talking everyday and seeing each other every couple of days. He’s repeatedly told me how much he likes me and how he is ready for a serious relationship. He initiates most of our conversations and dates, which I prefer. Up until last week, I thought that everything was going perfectly.

    I’m wondering if the issue has to do with this: About two weeks ago we were together when his phone went off. I glanced down (thinking it was mine) and I saw that he had a notification from a dating app. I was very upset, and later brought it up with him. He said that he did not use the dating app anymore and that he would delete it, and that made me feel a lot better. We did not discuss it in much more detail, but he’s been acting strange since then. Maybe its a coincidence, maybe he regrets deleting the app, or he’s still seeing other people and feeling guilty?

    I don’t know what to think and my mind is really going crazy with all of the possibilities.

    #185631

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sarah:

    I think that what you came up with is a strong possibility as many people are addicted or very attached to online activity, for one, such as online dating, and many are very attached to the activity of actually meeting people, following the online activity. There is an excitement in something new, as in, what is next, what is around the corner…

    He sounded very excited about you, and the last you heard of him, he was again, positive and enthusiastic. It is possible that this enthusiasm was about you, but what happened to it… in the last ten days. Maybe this enthusiasm was about the newness, as well: about you and the newness. You are still the same but the newness is no longer there.

    Here is something that can help try to figure this out further: what did he tell you that excited him so about you?

    anita

    #185639

    Sarah
    Participant

    I understand what you’re saying, it’s just so hard to relate to. I hate online dating, and really want to be done with it!

    To answer you question he’s made a lot of comments about my personality – saying that I’m fun and funny and he loves hanging out with me. I thought that we were very compatible there as we always have a really good time together. He also compliments my looks a lot, calling me “pretty” and “beautiful” pretty much every time we talk.

    Also, we spent Christmas Eve together. He kept saying how happy he was that I came over and that he wanted to spend the holidays with me. It probably isn’t relevant, but it just makes everything so much more confusing.

    #185641

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sarah:

    He told you that you are fun and funny, that he loves hanging out with you, that you are pretty and beautiful. Nothing deeper? His focus may be on having a good time, on what is fun and funny and beautiful. This kind of focus does tend to shift from one fun experience to another, as experience of fun requires newness to feed, to experience yet again. Fun cannot possibly go on and on and on.

    For a relationship to continue, on and on and on, there has to be a meeting of the minds and hearts beyond fun and funny. Have there been conversations about values and motivations and such, getting to know each other more?

    anita

    #185643

    Natalie
    Participant

    Why don’t you ask him to hang out tomorrow or Wednesday? I can really relate to your anxiety, and taking matters into my own hands always made me feel better and more in control of the situation. The next step is waiting for a response, of course, but I’ve found that asking a direct question increases the likelihood of getting a prompt response. Better to know!

     

    #185649

    Sarah
    Participant

    Anita – I can see how those comments come off as shallow, but I’ve always felt that the beginning of the relationship should be a lot of fun. We’ve had a couple deep conversations (we both have had family members suffer with addiction) and he commented on how great it was to find someone who could understand.

    Natalie – Thanks for commenting! I’ve considered that, but then I feel like I’ll still be confused, even if he says yes. He could just be too “nice” to shoot me down, or he could just want to keep his options open. In the past when he’s wanted to see me he’s been very forward about it, so I’m not sure why that would have changed. I was hoping that I would prompt him to make plans, but I guess not.

    #185721

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sarah:

    This is the morning after and I wonder if he contacted you. In my last post to you I was trying to figure out his motivation, what motivated him during the time he contacted you regularly and what motivated him to change that. The two of you wanted a fun time together, and it was. You are clearly motivated to have a relationship with him beyond fun. Is he…?

    What if his motivation is just the fun part, and when his phone went off, having received a notice from the dating app., and you got upset and later brought it up, the fun was done with, for him? What if with the first conflict, the fun went out the window?

    If I was in your place, I too would like to have fun when beginning a relationship with a man, but I will also discuss motivations before allowing myself to be too involved, emotionally invested, as in… taking the fun into physical intimacy. This way you protect yourself from a serious incongruence of motivations.

    If he did contact you  or if he will, it is not too late to discuss motivations, see if there is a fit.

    anita

    #185727

    Sarah
    Participant

    Hi Anita – Yes, he contacted me yesterday and we made plans to get dinner tonight. I am not sure if I should bring up his lack of contact this week, or just wait and see how he acts in person.

    Also…

    On our second date, we talked about past relationships and what we were looking for. I stated that I wanted to be in a serious relationship with the right person, and he said that he did too. I believe that he meant it, but the problem now is if he feels that I’m the “right person”.

    Also, if his cooling off has to do with deleting the app, I am confused as to why he wouldn’t have just ended it with me, you know? I asked him if he wanted to date other people, and he said no. I did not want to pressure him if he was not ready for that step, but obviously I would not have stuck around if he wanted to continue dating.

    #185733

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sarah:

    So there was a conversation, however short, about motivation, intent. That is good, definitely a beginning.

    Here is the problem as I see it: you need to know more, there are questions you have but afraid to ask because you don’t want to pressure him. Valid concern on your part. There is a solution to the problem, to get information from him without the pressure part. It is a skill that you can improve, get better at.

    We need information so to not guess and speculate and assume something that is not true. To choose better what to do next, how to proceed, we need accurate information, as accurate as is possible to get.

    You are wondering if he thinks or will think of you as the right person. How do you know? If you ask him: “Do you think I am the right person for you, to have that serious relationship? – that would likely pressure him, make him feel uncomfortable. Better ask: “What kind of a woman would be the right person for you?

    Be prepared to answer the same, what would be the right man for you, for the purpose of that serious relationship.

    anita

    #185751

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Sarah,

    I know you really like him, but I wouldn’t put all my cards on him. I think if he was really in to you, he could have asked you to the wedding. If he was very romantically interested, he would have at least have talked to you more about the wedding, it seems you are doing all the investing and work, while he is just sitting back telling you words such as you are pretty, he loves hanging out with you. When someone uses the term “hanging out” this is something a friend would say to a friend, not a romantic interest.

    Also, “that would be great!”..not good. If really interested, he may have said how about I make you dinner, there is a great movie, let’s rent a movie and get a pizza delivered, let’s go to a mexican/steak place to dinner. All his responses are too vague and uncertain. A quote I like to use, as it is so true, “if you don’t don’t know where you stand with someone, it’s time to stop standing and walk away”. This guy is just wanting friends at this point I think. Nothing romantic. x

    #186971

    Sarah
    Participant

    Well, I guess I was not overthinking. We spent last Tuesday night together, and I thought that we had a really great time. Then, Friday night, we got into an argument. He ended up breaking up with me on Sunday. He told me that he couldn’t do this anymore and that he did not think  he wanted something serious after all. I’m not surprised, but I’m pretty upset. We had both said that we were looking for serious relationships, so he was lying to me at one point (either when he said he wanted a serious relationship or when he was ending things). I kind of feel like I was tricked – He told me how much he liked me and cared about me, but when we talked on Sunday he could not have cared less. The phone call was under a minute.

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