Forum Replies Created
February 3, 2018 at 10:35 pm #190549
About being practical, you went along with your arranged marriage so to escape your family, correct? That was the practical thing to do at the time?
I am from India and I lived under my parents roof and things have to happen according to the wishes of our elders. I consented to the marriage because I was tired of getting yelled at every day at home telling me how I was letting them down and how the society is laughing at them because they have an unmarried daughter at home. I heard that everyday and they were verbally abusive.
Secondly in arranged marriages no one really knows each other to have an understanding of what works and what does not.
And then, not having a love relationship with your husband, was the practical thing to do dating Mike? Staying in the marriage because that was practical, so you tried to experience love elsewhere…
Were you practical so far, and how did it work for you, or not?
Yes you are correct on this I should not have cheated on my husband it was not the right thing to do, I wish I was perfect I am not and no dating Mike was not the right thing.February 3, 2018 at 10:11 am #190477
Anita – I do not have an expensive home just a home that appreciated in value. I hope its not asking too much of you but would you care to elaborate?
Because I feel like being practical is most important like you said come to terms with reality and reality in this day and age is exactly what I described for you. I am not saying 100% of men go for women half their age but majority of them do that.February 2, 2018 at 7:03 pm #190399
Anita – I hit send too soon. But I wanted to mention the following.
I don’t mean to be pessimistic but tell me in this day and age where people decide on an APP by swiping left or right if a gal is good enough to engage is just hopeless situation.February 2, 2018 at 6:56 pm #190397
Anita thanks for the response. Here are my thoughts –
Consider ending your marriage, as it is a living arrangement, nothing more, is it? I have thought about it and reasoned with myself 100’s of times. For one I live in CA in the bay area living cost is very expensive. I have cut coupons and saved to buy a home and we were lucky to buy this home at the right time and right price. Divorce would mean we would have to sell the home or i would have to leave I cannot afford to keep and pay mortgage. My husband did not save much during his bachelor days coz he had family responsibilities. Which was kept hidden from me up until I got after i got married and came here to the States. It hurt me so much to know my parents kept this from me I grew up in a home where 90% of my fathers anger steamed from his brothers betraying him on property matters , knowing pretty well how much he struggled to make it as his own how did he hand me over to a guy who had so much family responsibilities of his own? In any case all things said and done I took a brave step and started saving and until my Green Card got processed I could not work that took about 4 yrs. So I worked and saved and disciplined him into saving so we could buy our home. I am not ready to give it up and I do not think its fair to ask my husband to pay or give it up. My son loves our home and says he wont ever move from here. Irrespective of everything my parents have told me every marriage has problem and there is no such thing as love that will last and so divorce is far fetched.
Attend quality psychotherapy is such is possible for you. – I have been to a therapist before and all they do is validate you, I keep talking and all she/he does is nods and validates.
Consider future dating, when single, no longer married. Consider dating that will not interfere with you being an effective mother to your son. In such dating, get to know men, as friends first. Get to know their nature so to choose to get involved only with a man capable of loving you well, a man who is honest with you, trustworthy, reliable.
It is possible for you to love and be loved in return, if you are able to learn who a man is, and choose one capable and willing to love you in return. – I am 40 YRS old and I have a son. Mike is 52 and is dating a woman who is half his age (she looked very young in the pic). So woman in their late 20’s and early 30 are dating men in their 50’s so what do you think are the chances of me finding a man who will date me? I do not have a banging body I am avg looking and I see my single friends in their mid 20’s who are gorgeous and cant find a man to date. A friend my mine who got divorced about 15 yrs ago decided it is time she settled down and wanted an American man (she has specification tall , blue eyes, and earns well). So she comes to USA every few months and gets on Bumble and goes on dates like at least 20 men and this gal has confidence, looks and a charming personality and she still has not struck a guy. So tell me where on earth do I have a shot of love?January 31, 2018 at 3:23 pm #189957
Anita – I want to know how to proceed from here.January 31, 2018 at 9:39 am #189927
So I did not have a great childhood either then how is that fair?January 31, 2018 at 9:29 am #189919
I feel horrible for thinking that. You should never wish ill on anyone but I feel like he took my soul out of me like I lost a part of my body.
How is it that he moved on without any regrets or consequences ? Does this mean he probably did not do anything wrong?January 31, 2018 at 9:01 am #189913
I am strong believer in karma and I believe I am in pain right now because of the choices I made. So I ask my self if Karma served me why did it not serve Mike? Why did he get to move on and be happy with woman ?
Funny part is he wished me on my birthday last November and he updates his profile pic in Jan, what does this mean? Has been seeing her all along? Why text me when he is with someone else?
I know there is no point analyzing anything he made a choice and it came at a price “my happiness”.January 30, 2018 at 2:20 pm #189839
I think my feelings for Mike was so deep rooted that nothing else mattered, so yea I did feel guilty but the very idea of not having Mike or giving him up was not an option for me. I knew how I would react when he would stop talking to me I would wake up and it felt like a rush of pain would go thru my body, I lost interest at work. In reality now that I think of it I was just too afraid to give him up knowing that I would just not feel happiness the way I felt with him. It was physical and emotional something I was not allowed to choose or experience before.
It felt like something just pierced thru me when I saw his pic with another woman, but I also somewhere deep within knew it was the inevitable truth. Dealing with reality and enduring the emotions (it almost feels like death again all over) is what I want. I want to accept that Love is not meant for me not in this life. My friends keep saying there is more than one kind of love that they love me but like all humans I want to be loved the way I loved Mike (I know expecting this unfair and unrealistic) I ask my self this all the time what was less in me? Why did he not want me the way I wanted him?January 30, 2018 at 11:34 am #189815
Anita thanks so much for taking time to respond you have no idea how much I appreciate it.
I have reached a point where I want to start making changes in order to move on and I do not know how and which direction I should head? I want be able to put an end to this pain inside of me I cant forgive myself for cheating at the same time I know I do not regret loving Mike those feelings are real and nothing like I have experienced. But I do not know how to let go of him I want to start somewhere.
I am going to try telling my husband to try a different method to help our son be better at Golf I hope he listens.January 29, 2018 at 12:39 pm #189659
Hi Mark – No my son is not being abused I wont let that happen ever, but he is having a hard time trying to please his dad. I will look up on tools to help kids.
I think I need to be mentally strong first and learn to accept the challenges in life rather than being stuck and feeling helpless.January 29, 2018 at 12:24 pm #189651
hope there is a way or ways for you to help your son who reached out to you for help. Telling him that that “the most important thing is to be happy” won’t do much good for him when being happy to him means pleasing his father who makes such pleasing very difficult or impossible.
Anita I have tried to reason with my son by asking him on weather or not he likes the sport that his father choose for him he says he does but he just does not like to being trained by his dad. My husband is consumed with our son being a golfer and my idea is different I believe a child needs to experiment in different fields and then decide what they can purse and excel in. I just do not want to speak ill or advice wrong to my son. I was never allowed to experiment or do what I want and I so badly want it for my kid. I want him to live and love his life.
Mike was your soulmate. I wonder: how so? How was he your soulmate?
It was a feeling from within me. I could relate to him and he could tell me anything , I never judged him. I was there for him no matter what I was always there rooted like a tree. I loved him and still do with every fiber in my body and it is not enough this has put such a dent in my life.January 24, 2018 at 11:38 am #188723
Isaac – First off it is fantastic you have ambitions to become an entrepreneur. Remember its good to self critique but do’nt do it to a point where you are self sabotaging your self.
I believe what people think of you and what you are doing is none of your business. If you have been a good student all your life trust me you will get a job when you interview the interviewer will be super pleased if you say you took time off and invested in a business of your passion. If you can get a part time job get some income and work on your blog at the same time it might help you financially. There will always be a voice in your head that will make you doubt your self question is will you listen to it.
All the best with your blog and do not give up.January 24, 2018 at 11:29 am #188717
Ash – I am not going to beat around the bush …you should have left yesterday. I think its nice you stuck around and hoped he would get responsible you gave him a chance.
You can end it with grace and move on.January 24, 2018 at 11:24 am #188705
Tim – Sorry my friend you need to stop being confused and move on. You how they say if a guy wants you he will make it known same applies to girls if a gal likes you that way she will tell you. If she has not shown any definite interest then she wont in the future.
Time is precious, treat your time like its priceless please do not waste your time and do not wait.