Hey guys, I can’t seem to recover myself from depression when it returned this month.

It seems as though my negative work environment and the place I call home has made me sink into sadness and stress even further.

My work environment involves me with my coworkers who’s got some bad habits. One bosses me around daily and makes me look dependent and stupid, I’ve stood up for myself before but she eventually starts doing it again. She makes me feel like I’m stupid because from time to time, when I ask her if she was free to help teach me how to do a certain thing that I wasn’t taught when I came to work she would say “you’ve worked here for so long and you still don’t know how to do it? Tsk, what are you even doing here then?” But when I came into this place my boss has told her to teach me the basics. But she was a terrible teacher and constantly never fully walked me through anything with enough detail. And most things she just couldn’t be bothered to teach me but when I need to know how to do it, she would sigh and groan and judge me on how I don’t know how to do it.

My other three coworkers have started ordering me around too. They would tell me to do their things and to call their associates for them even though it was made clear they’re suppose to do it in one of our briefings last month. And they would give me what they’re suppose to do when it’s not in my line of field. Or the constant thing they boss me to do is to call their associates for them to clean up after them.

I have my own workload things to do and the list is lengthy. I handle a group new people daily through mobiles and laptops, and I don’t have the time to handle my coworkers people too. They would openly in front of me talk on the phone with their friend or openly watch videos on YouTube for as long as they can instead of doing their job. Just last week two of my coworkers went to ikea at 12pm till 5pm.

The most annoying thing is, I’m not appreciated when I help them, instead I’m wrongfully blamed when someone makes a mistake simply because I’m considered the newest at the office. I even had one of my coworkers openly stab me and blame everything she did wrong on me by putting on an act in front of my boss when he confronted me about a mistake that wasn’t made by me! It was the last day I called her “friend.”

I try not to let them get to me but no matter how positive and professional I try to be, I am either blamed for others mistakes or made to look stupid so frequently as it can go up to a few times a day!

Just last weekend one of our workers made a huge mistake that caused the client to complain about him being late and I was even confronted and shouted at even though I have reminded that worker 4 times before the actual time he was suppose to meet up with the client. My boss got really angry at him because he forgot to bring this item to the client as well. The worker got mad and didn’t come into work the next following days. And now he’s blaming me for this saying I didn’t tell him to bring the item even though he was suppose to read the paper I gave him that noted down what he was suppose to bring. Our other worker does this and he never went wrong! But yes, now this worker is blaming me and trying to make everything about me not telling him in person about the item. If I knew he would be too careless to look at the note I highlighted I would’ve told him! Even if I didn’t need to.

Communication here rather sucks too. When I plan something together the worker that was directed to go can even try and say he will do this first and then come back and do the other even though I planned them both to be done together for a good reason which is he will be late to do the second thing if he comes back after the first. Or that one time a client confirmed this two order with him when he was over at their house. He wrote it messily on a note which affected me to ask him for a better understanding. He told me the client wants to order two different things. So I called the client up for confirmation since I was notified that this customer was rather a hard one to manage. So I wanted to hear him say yes to the two things he ordered. But now, he only says he wants to order one. But I opened the order on two of those things and they’ve arrived. Now our company will have that extra item in the storage! My coworker asked about this since it was my name that opened the order and I told him exactly as it is. But he doesn’t believe me, and my boss knows about this incident and I’m preparing myself to be debriefed any time soon. I feel so bad for this, which has just made my depression worse now.

My home, consists of a man(mothers boyfriend) who constantly needs some chill pills. I would say he is that type of person where in their stage of life they don’t need to worry about finance problems. He can gamble a crazy amount of money in one night and if he loses he would come home with a very bad attitude that causes shouting and what not and even one time to throw some fists. He would even say how he would cut the allowance my mother gets(he told her not to work and that he can handle it back then) and such and I would be stressed about this problem. At first I was glad I didn’t have to worry about my mother anymore because she’s got someone by her side but now I’m stressing about money for her again.

When I say again, it was when I was 13. My dad had left after throwing his whole future and family and culinary business in the ocean for another woman. He started off by not coming home one night and then did it everyday, and lied to us badly about how he got another job an hour away. But really he worked in the same area and he rented another apartment five minutes from our house. Just like that he just didn’t come back at all one day. But it didn’t make a difference since he came home(only outside the garden) for a minute and leaves for about two months straight until he just didn’t come home. My mom knew what was coming and she didn’t even bother to call him when she couldn’t. She got a part time job and we shared one and a half of normal meal portions together, only one meal a day. And my little brother was 2 years old then.

When I was three months old my dad left for someone else, my mom lived with my grandparents and worked at a bar, then he came back when I turned five, more like when he was dumped he only thought of us again. He got a job overseas and eventually took me and my mother out after my granddad made him do it after two years of bugging him. It was suppose to be the start of my life there. before I got to finish my fourth year of primary school, I was sent back along with mom who was pregnant at that time. I was suddenly taken away from what I knew, my friends who I thought I’d get into high school with and what I loved. It was the perfect time actually for mom to have my little brother. We would’ve gotten a residence if he was born there. But we were back here because my dad made my mom come back, to a country where I have forgotten the main language.

Unfortunate for me, my mom was somewhat distracted or the taught of putting me to school got her tired of thinking about it so I never got to continue to school at the age of 12. I can’t speak the main language here and I don’t have a high school diploma which are the two highest reasons on why I don’t think anyone would hire me(but I am willing to try, an interview wouldn’t hurt.)

As I was growing up from 12 to 14, I had no friends, I was just by myself a lot and stood out too after those four years overseas. And when I first came back my aunts would make jokes about my hair and height(they’re just short) but then they kept repeating themselves. They would talk about how I should cut my hair because it’s too long and all over the place, or that I was fat. Yes, they literally told me I was fat when I was 12. I hadn’t realized this until I was 16. They would make numerous of comments starting when I was 12 and I had unknowingly got myself into an eating disorder during those times and would eat so little at dinner time and was happy I gotten smaller.

I wasn’t even fat, nor obese back then, I just wasn’t stick thin, or small, I was tall which to them, is labeled as fat. The whole fat thing evolved into an “you don’t have any interests, you are losing so much in life if you don’t have any.” When I became a teenager who didn’t like to talk much. My cousin would ask me what I’d liked and I would shrug. And she would be talking about how “I didn’t want to go to school and learn” back then, which has made me stay at home for these years which has also led me into having no interests because I was always at home and never experienced anything. At least that’s how they put it. But really I did have and still do have a big personality and interests. I was just really shy due to being alone all the time so I barely wanted to talk to anyone. I would freeze up even when going to the shop and buying something. That time of my life back then was the worse. I didn’t know how it had led to that but I would die in my heart just thinking About having to go up to someone even as normal as paying the cashier too! I dont know how I became like that when I was 14 but it just happened and I remember the nights in bed where I would beat myself up and asked myself why the fuck was I so nervous. I’ve even cried numerous of times because I couldn’t confront anyone, and I wanted to die and depression was born during those times I struggled with shyness. But luckily as I grew older i floated out of the severe shyness I had but the depression was still there. It got better when my dad came back from overseas and we moved back into the small town he lived in where he opened a restaurant. I worked as a waitress there even when I was just 14 but my depression wasn’t truly gone due to how I constantly thought about school and felt embarrassed for having no education.

A year and a half later was when my dad left like I’ve mentioned before. Finance came to my mind then instead of boys and crushes when I was 15. I felt sad that my mom had to work part time and get so little pay. My emotions were spiraling but I never showed it, and I’ve only cried for my dad once at how much of an ahold he is but the next few times I’ve cried because all I ever wanted wasn’t much. It was just a home, with normal parents who did normal things like most people do.

After half a year of that we moved back to the city my grandparents lived in and all my moms sisters and brother too. Being back there with her side of the family, it was when my aunt began talking about how I have no interests again and how I’m sitting my life away in front of the computer. My cousin who was the third oldest among them, she was 19 and worked at a bakery and thought she knew everything and had seen everything, comments from that group of the family would come in such as judging me because I wasn’t put into a school, they even say how “I didn’t want to.” But that decision was never made by me, I was 11 guys. And after that quote they would say how I don’t wanna do anything and so on. But really I dreamt of doing so much, a little too much because I’ve fallen further into depression when I realized I really can’t do it. I don’t have the money, my mom isn’t those independent type that can set their mind to make a better future, she is somewhat careless and unfocused, which is why she never really got me into any school when u came back. But I still love her no matter what.

Ever since I came back I’ve missed my friends throughout the time. I even found them on Facebook and shed a few tears when I saw how they were in high school and applied for college but I wasn’t there like I thought I would be. My family never really did anything but judged me from time to time about how I looked and my weight that is average but their expectations are skinny to the bones then you’re beautiful. Those things don’t get to me anymore but they were the starting reason why my depression came, and it never left as I grew older and more and more problems started surfacing.

I worked for my bullying cousin at some point, there was a few problems after work hours and it was it. I quitted a year later and spent another in the house again. But this time I managed to find peace and hot a habit of story writing and the last six months before acknowledging this open position in a small company I was truly happy, I was even surprised.

Now my new workplace now is indescribably and surprisingly worse. I mean my cousin had problems when I worked for her but never as injustice or as nonsense as these.

And i interviewed for this job that was introduced to me because I knew I needed to move forward with life and I couldn’t wait to meet the friends I’ve always wanted to but I do wish I didn’t now.

To list it, my moms boyfriend is in a bad mood after losing some cash when gambling and he acts out on her and now I worry about her again along with the nonsense drama at work. I got very depressed again this month due to these reasons.

And this time I can’t seem to pick myself up like I did before. I have stopped my exercise for a month and my early wakes in the morning too. My mind hurts from thinking about this too much and my workplace is now filled with two people wanting to throw pitch forks at me because they got called out for making their mistake that they still don’t want to admit which makes me not want to work tomorrow. The list goes on with being accused and framed here and there which is just discouraging me to keep working here now, but that is being planned by me now, what I’m having trouble planning is trying to get back on my feet. I am more depressed than ever. I made a list of things I want to do so when I accomplish one I’ll feel better, but even that list is stalled right now. I can’t seem to get myself to do anything and I hate it.