- This topic has 3 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.
April 4, 2017 at 7:12 am #143583HelenParticipant
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 10 months and we are starting to have obvious issues with our weekday sleepovers.
For background- we both have demanding jobs that require travel. We are both studying for grad school tests and are involved in other activities outside of our careers. In short, we don’t get a lot of down-time together, and even on the weekends, one of us often has to set an alarm. I really can’t remember the last time we lounged in bed late in to the morning and snuggled.
Our sleeping-together schedule varies, but typically, we sleep together Friday and Saturday, or at least one of those days. And we have about one weekday sleepover per weeknight, which is either planned ahead or decided at the last minute because we miss each other despite having pre-planned to stay in our separate homes that night. Sleepovers are typically at my house because he still lives in his parent’s house (we are only 25, he’s moving out soon now that he’s saved some money.) Hopefully around July, when we both move into new apartments, our homes will be closer to each other (currently its a 25 minute drive.)
But I’m starting to go insane over lack of sleep and he is losing work-time from sleeping with me. My complaint: He is a heavy sleeper, and no matter how hard he tries, he can only wake up if he sets alarms in increments over a 2 hour time period in the morning. This, obviously drives me crazy and leaves me tired all day at work. His complaint: When he sleeps alone, it’s easier for him to get out of bed after the first few alarms, and is able to start his day earlier and accomplish more tasks. When he’s laying next to me, he’s more tempted to hit snooze than get up. Shared complaints: Both of us, obviously, could do without the angry words we exchange when I grumpily declare he has to stop with the alarms and he says he can’t help it.
Today, we brought up the idea of setting a rule: no more weekday sleepovers. On the one hand, I don’t like it. On the other hand, I’m considering extending that rule to Saturdays when he has to go into the office, because catching up on my sleep on the weekend is also important to me. My fear though, is that we will lose our intimacy. I love it when he cuddles me to sleep, and I love seeing him before work. On some rare occasions, he’s awoken without waking me and simply gave me a kiss before going. Other times, I’ve been able to wake him with kisses and prepare a hot breakfast before we go our separate ways. Those are some of my happiest moments in our relationship. I fear that these spontaneous moments will be lost if we set such strict rules about sleepovers. But then again, it will keep us from the worst scenario- fighting at 6 AM despite having a lovely evening the night before.
Does anyone have thoughts on this? Does anyone have any experience with sleep issues and are there ways to address them without losing the intimacy? I know I’ll be blue the first couple tried, but are setting strict sleepover rules a big deal, or aren’t they?
I appreciate your thoughts!
HelenApril 4, 2017 at 8:00 am #143591AnonymousGuest
First killer of intimacy is that ” fighting at 6 AM” you mentioned, or fighting at any time. The fighting has to stop. Clearly, the two of you are well aware of your individual disadvantages to sleeping together, so when you choose to do so, each one of you is responsible for the choice, fully aware of the consequences. There really is no justification to acting grumpy with each other and otherwise fighting.
So, next time you sleep together and any one of you (or both) feels grumpy, don’t express that grumpiness against the other.
Second, you may want to experiment with the two of you spending time together in bed at a particular time, and then, right before any one of you (or both) are ready to sleep, one of you then moves to another room to actually sleep. Then, in the morning, following his two hour alarm routine (that you will not be hearing, being in another room), you will get together again for a few minutes in bed, followed by breakfast.
Otherwise, it is important to get enough sleep, so have that be first priority and the sleep overs- second priority.
anitaApril 4, 2017 at 8:07 am #143593HelenParticipant
Dear Anita– Thank you for your advice. Especially on avoiding fighting. We don’t have two separate rooms, but maybe I could sleep on the couch, or we will look for a better sleeping arrangement in our respective apartment hunts in July. For now, I think your reminder to avoid fighting is key.
HelenApril 4, 2017 at 8:30 am #143597AnonymousGuest
You are welcome, Helen. All the best to you as well.
anitaApril 7, 2017 at 11:21 am #144079Kristine M LewisParticipant
There are a lot of good alarm alternatives that won’t be so invasive to your sleep. I myself utilize my Fitbit to “buzz” me awake. I wear it at night anyway to track my sleep, so it’s a great tool to wake me up. I can set alarms (as many as I want, whenever I want) to quietly but effectively stir me. (Amazon sells a simple “shake and wake” that does the same thing but without the rest of the Fitbit properties)
Another option is an alarm clock that works on light. Our sleep can be interrupted by light pretty easily, especially blue light, so there are a bunch of alarm clocks that rely on pulses of light, different brightnesses, etc. that are a lot less “angry” than a traditional alarm sound. There’s a bunch on Amazon, even LL.Bean makes one (that’s where I saw one first)
Lastly, there does exist a “Smart Pillow”. I saw it on Amazon actually. I think the manufacturer is ZEEQ. It works with a smartphone. It’s a little pricey, but when it comes to sleep, sometimes we’ll spend anything for the rest we need.
I hope I’ve been helpful to you. This is definitely a problem that has a solution. No worries!
All the best.
–KristineApril 7, 2017 at 11:21 am #144081Kristine M LewisParticipant
Forgive me if I got the name wrong, I got down to the bottom of the page and saw Anita’s name. oops!