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Time to walk away or stay

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  • March 16, 2017 at 12:03 pm #139853
    Kaylon
    Participant

    My boyfriend and I have been in this long distance relationship for a half year now. He works with a traveling agency and only gets time to visit me every 3 months.

    I personally have struggled more or less doing long distance. He isn’t the person who shows affection through media. He’s definitely the most loving and caring one when he’s right in front of me. But when he’s away, he’s not too initiative. I have talked with him two or three times about wanting to spend more time with him. He would start speaking with me on the phone for a week or so. Then it goes to normal, as we just text here and there. If I don’t reach out, he only texts probably every 3 or 4 days. I don’t think he doesn’t love me enough or has someone else. I think our vibes have not really aligned.

    For the past 2 times I saw him he had been very tired because of traveling so that I couldn’t connect with him as much as I wanted. And the time we could spend with each other was ridiculously short (less than 12hr last time).

    When I was on a break and bought tickets to visit him, we had some miscommunication and turned into arguments. So I didn’t get to see him that time.

    I’m about to graduate from college this summer. My assumption was after that we’d be closer and spend more time together. As I’m looking for a job, he also talked about wanting to work somewhere close to where I want to work. Last time I saw him, he told me he liked the traveling positions and wanted to do it for a while and that finance was all he cared about. When I suggested us both working in this city that we both like, he told me where he’d be working only depended on the payment.

    It wouldn’t be fair to say he doesn’t care about me. I know he does and he wants a future with me. He’s probably the person I admire the most. I also appreciate what we have and the connections we have built. I just don’t know how much it takes to finally be living with him in the same town and be able to see him weekly.

    Now I’m sorta lost as I suddenly don’t see an end to this long distance relationship. And even when I could see him, he was not in a state where we could actually have fun or connect. And he makes it very clear that working is his top priority and I don’t think he has energy or time to think about us. Because I’ve had tough days once or twice per months when I missed him so much and he simply couldn’t be there for me, I’m starting to wonder if I want to keep staying in this relationship.

    March 16, 2017 at 1:26 pm #139875
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kaylon:

    The way I understand it, there is hardly much to a “relationship” in the this Long Distance Relationship. It is Long Distance, true, but not much of a relationship. It is… an ongoing acquaintance of sorts. What I would do, if I was you, is not to end this relationship, but to acknowledge that it is not a relationship.

    Therefore I will be available to date others, after telling  him how I view this acquaintance. Whether to continue the acquaintance for its own sake or for possibly extending it sometime in the future, maybe, into a relationship- that is up to you and him.

    anita

    March 17, 2017 at 5:52 am #140007
    cassie Eve
    Participant

    So interesting to read. Thank you.

    I have a similar situation which I am trying to navigate.

    I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months now. The first 2 or 3 months of our relationship were wonderful. We felt connected on every level and believed we had found a long term partner in each other. (we are both in our forties) At the beginning of the year I said those 3 little words ..” I love you” and he couldn’t say them back. He said he is quite sure he will ‘get there’ and say them but is cautious to say them at this stage of the relationship. He has repeatedly said to me that he ‘wants to allow himself to love me and be loved in return’ ….and has acknowledged he has work to do around opening his heart. He followed my suggestion and has started counselling. He says he want to be someone with me who can be 100% emotionally committed. We also don’t see much of each other due to his very intensive and high pressured job which has taken him off to the far east constantly over the last 6 weeks. When I have seem him he has been exhausted and there’s been no space for real intimacy or fun. He is like a shut down zombie. This looks like it will carry on until this particular contract ends in 2 months time approx. We spoke on the phone a few nights ago and he sounded like an emotionless robot…..not the man I have come to know and love. He said he is just trying to ‘stay alive’ right now with the constant long haul travelling (11 hr flight there and 11 hrs back each week) and demanding corporate work schedule. He says he’s not sure he can ‘do us’ at the moment whilst this job is taking all his energy. He also doesn’t want to end the relationship but has asked for space……2 months space perhaps…until the contract is over and he can focus back on ‘us’. I don’t know what to do …..This feels like a very very hard thing he is asking form me. Do I stay in or get out ?

    March 17, 2017 at 5:52 am #140013
    Jerry Jacob
    Participant

    Dear Kaylon,

    Don’t worry,long distance is a more powerful relationship in the world.But parents relationship is not more than any relationship in this world.First think and then do.

    March 17, 2017 at 6:33 pm #140421
    Kaylon
    Participant

    @anita

    You’re not the first person pointing out that I’m actually not dating him. He’s not available a lot in my life and if anything it’s all in my head.

    I thought a lot since he left. I kept thinking if it would be easier for me to step back officially and get my needs fulfilled elsewhere

    March 17, 2017 at 6:38 pm #140423
    Kaylon
    Participant

    @Cassie

    i understand how you feel. You can at least appreciate your bf telling you what’s going on on his part. And two months is coming by very fast.

    in my case, I had the assumption and suddenly I realized that’s all what I was thinking and hoping. This realization bursted my bubble and I have to now look at the reality and make a decision.

    i talked to him about the struggle. This was probably the fourth time telling him that I want to spend more time with him. He said he wished I hadn’t had those feels and let him know what he could do to make me feel better. I told him to be more initiative and that when he goes fours days without contacting me, it makes me feel unimportant to him. He hasn’t got back to me until now

    March 17, 2017 at 6:43 pm #140425
    Kaylon
    Participant

    @Jerry

    you think I may be overthinking now? I get wrapped up with these ideas and that my just want more time with him about every other month. I don’t even know if it’s a pattern now and if I can do anything about it

    March 17, 2017 at 7:01 pm #140429
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kaylon:

    You wrote in your original post that when you were on a break you bought tickets to visit him but you didn’t get to see him because of a miscommunication that turned into arguments. So you traveled and didn’t get to see him at all? What was the miscommunication about and the arguments…?

    anita

    March 17, 2017 at 7:17 pm #140439
    Kaylon
    Participant

    @anita

    I didn’t travel. I canceled the tickets.

    we briefly discussed the travel plan. He said he was very tired and would call me the next day to finalize the plan. He didn’t call so I reached out. I left him a message about the flight time. Then he never got back to me and I thought he had no problem with it.

    The week before the departure, I was excited and told me so. He was happy too and asked about the flight. When he saw the info, he told me he never agreed on those dates and that I never do things like that. When I called him, he was throwing tantrum.

    I had to hang up and was waiting for him to apologize. That didn’t happen so I canceled the flight the night before the departure.

    That was another major struggle I went through and really doubt the relationship. We then talked and he told me he never received the voice message etc. We both decided to let it go.

    After the talk, I felt closer to him. At least he gets back to my text a lot faster now. I was counting on connecting with him when he visited. But when he was exhausted while visiting, I realized it doesn’t happen often to spend some good time with him

    March 17, 2017 at 8:04 pm #140441
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kaylon:

    He forgot to call you as he said he will, the next day, to finalize the plans for you to travel to see him. And then he threw a temper tantrum never to apologize- never to apologize for forgetting or for the anger tantrum. This is evidence that he didn’t consider your travel a high priority, so he forgot. And later, he didn’t consider that you were excited to see him, that you were willing to travel to see him, and he got angry, angry at a loving, dedicated woman.

    In your original post you wrote that when you suggested to him that the two of you live in the same city, he responded that his only consideration for where he lives is how much money he can make working.

    Reads to me that he is not very loving to you and doesn’t consider you a high priority, if a priority at all. I think you deserve a loving man for whom you are a high priority. He is not that man…

    Sad but true, isn’t it?

    anita

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