Jan,
I’m sorry for your suffering, and hope you can find some relief soon. It was a little difficult to get a sense of your situation, but I’ll do my best. It sounds like you’re experiencing grief. If he seems to be done, gone… try to let him go. Its tough, and usually painful, but its also healing.
My teacher said when we are grieving, letting go, saying goodbye… its a big event for us, for our bodies to go through. So we need to make space, let ourselves go through it. Self nurturing activities are great at helping make that space. Consider taking a bath with candles, listening to soft music, surrounding yourself with nature or art… whatever helps you relax, unwind and feel connected. If an emotion comes up, just cry, scream, jump up and down, shake your fists…or whatever feels right. Then breathe, and let it go as best you can… relax, unwind.
Also, consider taking up a metta meditation practice. Metta is the feeling of loving friendship that arises in the chest, and goes a long way to help us find inner peace. Consider seaching YouTube for “guided metta meditation” if interested.
With warmth,
Matt
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