To leave or to stay

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  • #368770

    Hi TB family,

    I have not been on here for a while. Usually, I turn to TB when I am out of a relationship or heartbroken (one and same thing for me) but this time I come for some guidance.

    I have been living in Ireland for 6 years now. I was with someone for 4 years and he left about a year or so ago. When the breakup happened, my first reaction was to move back home to the States. A wise girlfriend told me to stay for atleast 6 months before I quit my good career and leave. I listened and I stayed. It felt like Ireland will be home those 6 months. Painful as it was (still is) being in this country with shattered dreams of a home and a family, it was still ok as I found my stride. I started a support group, I volunteered, I went deep into my yoga practice and I travelled. All knowing in my heart that If i keep my heart open, love will find me. Then COVID19 hit. Now I am sitting in a tiny studio in the heart of Dublin with no hope of career advancement or of finding love. All signs are pointing towards home.

    To give you some background, I have never felt at ease in Ireland. It is a beautiful country but a bit closed off to outsiders. People who have lived here all their lives don’t really open up to new people until an unless they work with you. Which i think maybe the case everywhere. My delimma is my job doesn’t really allow me to have friends at the company as I am in management and all the other managers are men in their 50s. I have 2 friends here and both have children so no one to actually go out with or go travelling with. I also have a hard time with men as there are more women here than men so men don’t feel the need to put any effort into dating. Dating culture is totally different from any other country i have been in. Men only talk to women when they are drunk in a bar. with 8 month lockdown, the bar is no longer an avenue to meet anyone. Online dating is a total joke. The reasons I want to move back home are:

    To find love, to find a job that is fulfilling, to make friends, to be of service in my country, to spend time with my mother.

    The reasons I am so hesitant to leave ireland are:

    Beautiful outdoors, in the middle of Europe, Job i can learn and upskill in, a handful of good friends, 2 years to get my Irish passport.

    I need your help in finding some direction. I know no one can make this decision for me but if you help me organize myself, I will really appreciate it. I feel like i am running out of time as I am 38 and single.

    Always Grateful



    Dear Sapnap3:

    You listed as one of the reasons you want to move back home (Chicago, I believe) is “to spend time with my mother”, the same woman who told you, so you shared in March 2014- that a neighbor was “probably being friendly” when he repeatedly sexually abused you when you were six years old, saying that regardless of what he did to you, she will still use his services as a handyman because “he charges us less”;  the same woman who, so you shared July 2018, told you: “I should’ve just aborted you when I had the chance. If it weren’t for your father, you would’ve never been born”, the same woman who you financially supports and who referred to you as her “retirement fund”???

    I mean, is there anything at all that your mother can say and do to you that will stop you from wanting to spend more time with her?



    • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by anita.

    Hi Anita,

    i was not going to reply to this message as it was quiet negative but I see that you work for TB and many people turn to this site for help so i will reply to make sure you know not to answer someone who needs your help with this type of message. Firstly, you don’t have to remind me of what my mother did or did not do. Secondly, people grow. do you know how hard it is to forgive someone who gave birth to you? I have spent enough $$$ and tears to get to a place I am at. I have learned to look at my mother as a person. She is an amazing woman. She was married at 8 so she had no childhood or anyone to teach her how to look after a child. She was abused by my grandmother and she still fought to educate her 3 girls. I will not forget what has happened to me but at the age of 38, I will forgive for myself. So before you go recaping everyone’s past forums to them, please take a deep breathe and give them a benefit of the doubt. I am learning, I am growing, I am happy. If I have come to that juncture of my life where the biggest worry i have is to pick between 2 between countries, I think I am doing quiet well.

    i apologize for being harsh but I really mean this. The kind people on this site have saved my life. I want other lives to be saved as well. thank you for the work you do but please be mindful when you answer poeple because reminding someone of their sexual abuse and childhood neglect can be dangerous.




    Dear Sapnap3:

    “I was not going to reply”- I am glad you replied.

    “I see that you work for TB”- no, I do not. I am a member, like you.

    “Firstly, you don’t have to remind me of what my mother did or did not do. Secondly, people grow”- I suppose, if she sincerely and thoroughly apologized to you and corrected the wrong ways she behaved toward you, that would mean that she has grown. If this is the case, I am pleased and elated.

    “I am learning, I am growing, I am happy… I am doing quiet well”- good to read.

    “reminding someone of their sexual abuse and childhood neglect can be dangerous”- depending on context and timing. In general, if person A was repeatedly abused by person B, and A is considering reuniting with B, then it is okay for me to remind A about the abuse by B.

    I have no further input to you. At this point and onward, in this thread and in any future thread that you may start, I will reply to you only if you address me by name. I hope you receive replies from other members, and that their replies will be helpful to you. I wish you well.




    Heyyy @anita and @Tim

    I hope u both are fine. It’s lula here.. Do u remember the topic “i love my best friend but he already loves someone else” ? It was me who wrote to u and u both gave me good advices…

    I i had told u that after my exams i am gonna open up to my frnd that what i feel for him and all that and leave him then , but due to some reasons my test delayed…it’s in december now..and the date is not even confirmed yet … The thing is now that when i took this decision of telling him abt my feelings that night in august i texted him that i m gonna tell u abt something .. He insisted me to tell him rn for abt 2,3 times but i didn’t . Yesterday he insisted again and then he said i think i know what it could be about..i said u r not cnfrm..and he said cnfrm… And like i toldd him at start while he was insisting that u m not ready to tell u rn … And then he suddenly told me that “i think u loved me somewhere in our journey ,am i right? …it’s not something to mind ,atleast u r gonna lift this weight by telling” while he was insisting me i was all shivering at start..

    I haven’t seen his msg nor replied to him… I want to ask if i should approve to him that yes this was the reason or after my test?? Bcz this test is gonna decide my future and i can’t risk it for anything!! …i couldn’t stop talking to him for more than a week while i was preparing for my test …

    And now when i know i m gonna stop talking to him after approving, it’s gonna ruin my preparation for my test..

    He asked me how these feelings developed like is it bcz of ur frnds or what?

    he don’t even know his mistake that it had always been him doing it to me…

    He was like now u have time jst open up ,we will sort it out,i told him i m not ready but like still he did it to me ,he didn’t even think that it’s gonna effect my studies afterwards… Or may be he thought that i m gonna still stay with him even after telling him ..

    So now what should i do..plz help


    * Dear Lula: please start your own thread (I assume you deleted or lost your previous thread?)- go to Forums at the top of the page, choose a Category (Relationships, I figure), then scroll down the page to the empty box, copy your post above and paste it in that empty box.


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