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Tough period this year

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  • #365352
    patelh
    Participant

    I am back again after a year, just looked back on my posts and they date last year….

    I wanted to update on my current position because I am in the middle of a tough period and I need some support hence back on here again.

    Anita – you replied many times before so hope you can provide some insight.

    This year started off ok but then we had covid and caused cancellation of family events which i was happy with as i am not keen on my husbands family due to their morals, values, beliefs and expectations mainly.

    Following this, i was on furlough at work. my job has not been going well since returning from maternity leave so after i returned from furlough i got news that im losing my job. ive now lost my job and my daughters health got worse but she is ok and remaining stable for now as i monitor her situation. my husband on the other hand does not support me that i lost my job, keeps taking jabs at me about it not sure why. he knew i was unhappy with my job so the fact that i lost it wasnt actually such a bad thing for me. the way they did it might of been unfair so im taking up a case against them for this which is a free service and might let me see if what they did was just. anyway my husband been really in a rut due to this and we dont have financial issues so im not sure. he keeps saying i cant even keep a job, which hurts as i did not expect that from him. but i feel he is reaching a stage where he has had enough of everything and im just continuing as i am looking after our daughter and trying to stay out of his face. but he was never like this, something changed maybe due to covid he done some thinking and i feel he thinks this marriage is not for him but i doubt he will take action. as you know ive had doubts of this marriage in the past.

    ive spoken to his sister in the last few months over the phone as me and my husband were keen to move to USA and only his sister can support our application for that. as you know, i dont have a relationship with her and currently she is making up rumours that im pregnant behind my back which is odd.

    so now, im just busy doing day to day stuff. losing my job has not affected me much as im not ready to get back into employment just yet and when i do ill make sure im ready first as having a young child and juggling work is not easy. but my husband seems all over the place and im keen to move abroad and get an application going but nothing concrete happened after my discussion with his sister on the phone. she just said think hard before you do especially when it comes to job prospects. i feel its on me to push her for this bearing in mind i dont have a working relationship with her where we talk frequently if at all. i havent seen my husbands parents for a few months as i stopped going to theirs as my mother in law compared me to others alot and made me feel inadequate. this has boded well for me, i send my daughter there but i chose not to go and for now its working i must say but they are wondering why i dont come?! of course moving abroad was for a chance to see life elsewhere and have new experiences. so its still at the back of my mind. being in an indian family is not easy and if anything i would of chosen a life with a british or other cultural family not indian!!!

    so now, what should i do in my current situation? alot has happened and its taken a toll on me and stress levels. ive tried to remain calm but i have a husband who just doesnt sit by me side as he use to and is rebellious!

     

    #365355
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello, Patelh, and I am sorry you are struggling with all that is going on. I am sorry you lost your job and your child has been ill. Many people are struggling with this pandemic stuff, well probably almost everyone. You write about a husband and a mother in law who say mean things to you, put you down, belittle you. This is a very hard situation to bear. The problem with going to the USA, is that your life will not automatically be better. Everything will be different. I am in the USA, and immigrants struggle for a while usually. This will be an entirely different culture with different religions. You will not know anyone here and you and husband may not be able to work for a while. Or there may not be social or economic supports for you two here. What if you have to live with your sister in law who resents you and is mean also? I don’t know what kind of work you and your husband do but even doctors have to get board certified to work in the states as doctors. I am just saying this is not going to be easy or perfect life over here. It might be better than where you life now, there is more freedom, but there is less family cohesion and you won’t know anyone to help you. There is prejudice unfortunately. Most people are nice and kind and will welcome you but everything will be new and possibly scary for you. If your daughter has medical issues, it gets tricky here as one needs health insurance from one’s job or maybe you pay for it yourself or if very poor, sometimes get government health insurance which is not that great. If your marriage is rocky NOW, the stress of immigrating can make things more stressful. Imagine COVID-19 stress without the illness and without either or you having a job or your own home to live in (for a while). Wages are higher here but so are rents, housing, food costs, taxes, everything is expensive here compared to many other countries. The USA has COVID-19 pretty badly here, we rank #1 in the world, so my guess is any immigrating will not take place quickly. Your Sister in law has to hire an attorney, which costs money and financially sponsor you, which puts you in obligation to her. So let’s say you and husband carefully discuss this and want to immigrate, how will you two work together as a team in the time you wait for permission to immigrate (assuming you are granted permission).  I’d encourage you to start a conversation with your husband about what is going on in the marriage. Talk about his stress, your stress, his goals, your goals. Tell him how you feel without blame, let him know his criticism hurts you a lot. Say it like “I feel hurt when you say I am not helping financially.” At least try to talk to him, don’t make him defend himself, just listen, and ask him to just listen to you. Both of you need to be on the same page or find this out now. A bad marriage with a lot of stress will not get better in the USA, rather the stress of immigrating may crack the marriage wide open. I wish you the best and I sure hope this pandemic ends soon.

    #365365
    anita
    Participant

    Dear patelh:

    Welcome back! I did not re-read our previous communication except for one post, and so, I don’t remember.. did you recently give birth???

    August 21, 2019- before the pandemic (it seems so long ago..), you wrote this: “with my husband, I’m going back and forth with him as he wants to separate then the next minute he does not.. he seems to say I’m not worthy of marriage and that others are right about it and then the next minute he says we cannot separate… we disrespect one anther, not just him disrespecting me but me too”-

    Fast forward, a year and 2 days, August 23, 2020, you wrote that you lost a job that you didn’t want, and he “keeps taking jabs at me about it not sure why.. he keeps saying I can’t even keep a job, which hurts as I did not expect that from him… he was never like this, something changed maybe due to Covid he done some thinking and I feel he thinks this marriage is not for him, but I doubt he will take action”-

    – I don’t understand why you “did not expect that from him”, when his behavior is consistent with how he behaved a year ago, and I don’t understand why you think that his behavior is because of Covid-19, when he behaved this way months before the pandemic?

    anita

    #365517
    patelh
    Participant

    yep i guess i should not be surprised. not given birth recently no, its been a few years maybe you misunderstood the post.

    so his behaviour is consistent and he is being a bit all over the place since he returned to work after lockdown. so must be work getting to him. what now? i think he wants more intimacy in the relationship and maybe wants more from me, expects better more or less.

     

     

     

    #365540
    anita
    Participant

    Dear patelh:

    I re-read some of our earlier communication (2018-19) so to refresh my memory of your story: you got married in 2014, not because you really wanted to (“my parents forced me into this marriage and pushed or pressured me into taking the next step while I was dating this man.. I kind of went along with it”), and against his mother’s will (“I got married to my husband.. against his  mother’s will”).

    Your daughter was born three years into the marriage, but that didn’t change his mother’s attitude of expressing her disapproval of you.

    You shared that as a child, you lived “with parents fighting a lot and arguments between siblings and parents, myself mainly”.

    In June 2019, you wrote: “I have noticed that I am always being mistreated by people around me since I was young and its a continuing cycle that is starting to make me wonder what is going on here? I notice people make rude remarks to me in family situations, lack of respect”.

    You shared regarding your husband that you love and disrespect each other (“we love each other.. and we disrespect one another, not just him disrespecting me but me too”).

    You shared that at times your husband was on your side, for example: when he married you against his mother’s will, but at other times he hasn’t been on your side,  “especially since the birth (of your daughter) he has become closer to his parents and even mentioned many times that he wants to take her and live with her at his parents”.

    In August 2019, a year ago, you wrote: “with my husband, I’m going back and forth with him as he wants to separate then the next minute he does not.. he seems to say I’m not worthy of marriage and that others are right about it, and then the next minute he says we cannot separate”.

    A year later, in your current thread, you shared that you lost a job you did not like, that your husband takes jabs at you for not working, and he “wants more intimacy in the relationship”. You also shared that you and your husband are thinking about moving to the U.S. where his sister lives, and she may support your application to live there.

    I have a few questions for you because I want to understand your situation better:

    1. You wrote: “my daughter’s health got worse but she is ok and remaining stable for now as I monitor her situation”- this sounds quite serious. I don’t remember that you mentioned your daughter having been ill before. Is it the genetic illness you mentioned that you suffer from?

    2. You shared that as a child, you grew up with a lot of arguments and fights in the home, “with parents fighting a lot and arguments between siblings and parents, myself mainly“-

    – by “myself mainly” do you mean that you, as a child,  argued a lot with your siblings, and maybe with your parents as well?

    And are there a lot of arguing and fighting with your husband, and if so, who initiates the arguing and fighting?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by anita.
    #365926
    patelh
    Participant

    i argued with them or they did with me. it was a toxic environment as my parents are not easy people.

    my husband likes to initiate conflict if he loses his temper with me.

    ive spoken to him recently and we watched a programme where the husband was emotionally abusing his wife so he could relate to it and he has toned down now. i think he realises his faults.

    my daughter just has chronic constipation common in toddlers so just getting through that tough period now to resolve it.

    #365948
    anita
    Participant

    Dear patelh:

    You shared that your daughter suffers from “chronic constipation common in toddlers”- I read in stress. org/ how is stress linked with constipation, the following:

    “Many factors can cause constipation. Common causes of constipation are dehydration, a lack of physical activity, and a poor diet.. Stress can also lead to constipation… The effects that stress hormones have on the body can cause constipation.. In stressful situations, the body’s adrenal glands release a hormone called epinephrine, which plays a role in the so-called flight-or-fight response. It causes the body to divert blood flow from the intestines toward vital organs, such as the heart, lungs, and brain. As a result, intestinal movement slows down, and constipation can occur”.

    In your recent post you also wrote: “my husband likes to initiate conflict if he loses his temper with me”- please see to it that in your household, tempers are not lost, and arguments do not take place- these no doubt stress your daughter and harm her mental and physical health.

    anita

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