Fm is back home after 2 weeks. Although seemingly improving each daily, She is still very weak and frail. Her mixed dementia and memory problems have worsened. She’s been repeating things, forgetting things in a shortened time frame….asking me the same questions repeatedly .. She is unfocused and strays away from topics when trying to converse with her. It is very difficult to follow and have a conversation with her.

..but I still try …I still have optimism within her range of capabilities..
even though she does that, I act as if it’s the first time she is asking or telling things. I can’t imagine fully how it is for her, but I know it depresses her, and things are difficult for her. I know that she is often embarrassed and feels ashamed.

I honestly and personally are having some of those same difficulties of aging, health, coping, and trying to adapt and adjust to everything. ..with things regarding my life and hers.. I am stuck in mourning… always ..

I have been in mourning my entire life.

Maybe things will improve somewhat..I know that unless some out of worldly, I know that things will fluctuate between seeing improvement and things going downhill… eventually just downhill will be permanent. ..maybe downhill and uphill depends on how the individual defines it.

It’s that way for all of us..

Maybe she sees it as uphill. She’s tired of living. ..

I feel that there comes a point or multiple in everyone’s life where they’re tired of living…

Before she was discharged, the results of a test suggested that she may have fluid around her left lung. I wish they kept her and did more tests to discover if it was a definite. Perhaps they know already and there may not be much more they can do.

I know that her upcoming 2 appointments a day apart suggests that there are serious health problems…

Transition of care appointment can mean anything, also the upcoming endocrinology… especially appointments so very soon and close together.

I wish I could fix everything, but I can’t..no one can. Whatever will be will be. That’s how perhaps life, existence is and works.

Everything that she’s done to me over the years ..I try to not let bother me ..it doesn’t matter anymore…
Just been trying to make her comfortable, and try to give her a small dose of happiness if possible. She likes streaming and viewing worship music on tv…so I make sure that it’s always on.

Well…to be continued…