Hi all,

I am wondering what to do about a situation with a toxic mother. She is the keeper of my father, who is my everything, who has Alzheimer’s. The pain of dealing with this disease is immeasurable. I am a single woman, 40 years old, and navigating my uncertain career path as a writer/teacher. There are times I could really use my dad. But I accept that he’s sick. I no longer miss going to him for advice; just being around him and feeling his love is enough. The problem is that if I visit home, which isn’t often anymore as her abusive attacks have became too much for me, my presence unleashes her attack on me. Any word I say sets her off, and I am immediately ‘selfish’. I am the perpetrator, and she is the victim. Just last night, I returned home early from their house. I hadn’t seen my father in months. Not seeing him for that long just kills me. I don’t know what else to do except stretch out my visits in order to see him and preserve my sanity. But even not even that seems to be enough. I’m still in pain.

I don’t have a close relationship with her, or any of my sisters. Six years ago, I accepted this as the state of things. Really, I was happy to get out of my dyfunctional family. But what I am missing is my relationship with my dad. Also, I’ve witnessed her abusive behavior towards my father, helpless as he is. I’ve intervened. But ultimately I realized there is nothing I can do about protecting my father from her, short of being his caretaker.  I’ve told my sisters about my mother’s abusive behavior towards him, as they remain in closer contact with my mother, but they’ve done nothing. Actually, I don’t think they even believe me. They see a completely different side to her than I do. A part of me thinks it’s because they’re married and mom has to put on a front infront of their husbands.

I am at a point where I’m wondering how to protect myself. Do I never go home again? But then, I lose my father! I want to be around him, to show him the kind of love he’s shown me all of his life. But I feel that if I do, I subject myself to the pain and abuse of my mother. Not to mention, I am angry that she has abused my father as well. It’s been about six years of this cycle, and I feel I’ve had enough. I’m 40 years old. I want to be happy.

Do I have to write them both off, to save myself?

Thanks for reading. Today, I feel very alone in this world. So thank you.

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