I am trying to figure out what to do about my relationship with my sister. For the past few months I’ve been very tempted to just stop putting any effort in at all, in effect cutting her off. Here’s why I’m considering this:

I am a year older than her. We have always had issues with sibling rivalry. I always did better in school than her. My parents praised me endlessly for that and told her to be more like me. I think that was definitely a big part of how all this started. I didn’t care what they said, I thought she had so much potential and I wanted to be like her. I craved her approval and tried everything to earn it. I’d tutor her, do her chores, and share all my secrets with her. Those things helped temporarily, but eventually they’d either be demanded of me again or held over me. I could not seem to get that lesson through my head, so I kept on doing it.

When I was 16 I told my sister that I’m gay. She was the first person I told. I was so scared and nervous that I cried and struggled to get the words out. Still, I felt fairly confident that she’d by okay about it. She wasn’t. She introduced me to many slurs, threatened to tell my parents so they’d kick me out and refuse to pay for college, physically harmed me, and even threatened to kill me. So I told her I had been confused and begged her to never speak of it again. She agreed.

When I was 18, I went to a college which had a free therapy center. I had been struggling with intense self-hatred and confusion about my identity. I’d considered suicide and was treating my body terribly. So, with my therapist’s help, I was able to overcome a lot of that and come out to my parents and brother. I came out to my sister again a couple days after that. All of them said some ignorant things, but were kind about it.

Irritating exchanges with my sister have continued for the fast few years. When I visit (she still lives with my parents) she makes me feel very unwelcome. The longer the visit, the worse the treatment. I have been willing to put up with it only because I am so close with the rest of my family. A few weeks ago though, the topic of my original coming out to her came up. She pretended that nothing happened; that she didn’t terrorize me and ruin my life for a few years there. She acts as though the pain she caused me never existed. I can’t quite explain how terrible that feels. I want her to apologize for it all, but she won’t even acknowledge it.

All of this has led me to wonder why I put effort in at all. If I didn’t call her or text her, we’d never talk. Our exchanges are limited to superficial topics to avoid arguments. Even if an argument doesn’t happen, she still finds a way to make me feel terrible almost every time we talk.

What would you do?