Treading water…

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    Dear Ryan:

    A couple more thoughts regarding your recent post:

    “There has always existed a frustration within me. A chronic feeling of being misunderstood or never feeling like I fit in.. I keep.. wanting to find ‘my place.’.. when I was an early teen… I remember lashing out and saying ‘freaking.’.. this was ‘too close to the other F word,’ she replied”-

    – my understanding is that the frustration within you was being chronically unloved (not being understood, not fitting it). Your mother focused on what she believed was your inappropriate use of the F word, while being oblivious to your need for the L word. She complained that the word you used was too close to the F world while she was too far from the L word.

    “my mother is always seeking something. She had a contentious relationship with her father.. she would spend the day crying and generally depressed for a few days after their departure”- I am guessing that she was chronically unloved by her father, perhaps by her mother as well. She kept  seeking his love, while failing to love her own son.

    “Truly most of my life has been without passions, hobbies, or really dreams at all. Yes, it’s a sad way to live but time doesn’t stop”- external time doesn’t stop, but internal time stops when we stop being engaged with life emotionally; when we withdraw, shut down and go flat.

    “I keep trying different experiences. Wanting to find ‘my place.'”- you mentioned religion in your recent post, it makes me think of the story of Adam and the garden of Eden. The garden of Eden was Adam’s place,  and then he got expelled, exiled into the harsh world. I think that your original place was with your mother, and then you were kicked out, exiled too early, left to grow up alone in the harsh world.

    And now, perhaps, when you meet women, you want back to the garden of Eden but at the same time, you are angry for having lived in exile for way too long.


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