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Dear ajetias:

You wrote in your original post that you are selfish for wanting to make yourself happy- I disagree. I think it is the right thing for you to do, to promote your own well-being. It is your responsibility to take good care of yourself.

Perhaps it is your girlfriend who is selfish for wanting you to take care of her at your expense, at the cost of your own well-being.

Are you afraid that if you end the relationship successfully, that she will be suicidal again?

And how does it feel, to be with her out of fear, or guilt?

anita

Dear ajetias:

I would examine the guilt issue, if I was you, asking myself: am I guilty; is my guilt justified; what is my responsibility in this situation?

It is possible that your only responsibility is to give her a certain time to move out, a certain notice of time so that she can make another living arrangement.

You may choose to give her a certain amount of money so to pay for the first month for a room to rent, let’s say, somewhere else. It may not be a responsibility you have, but a kind choice to make.

Because your current situation is not good for you now or on the long run and is not good for her on the long run, I would aim at putting an end to the current situation as soon as possible. You will have to withstand her begging next time, to not give in to it. You will also have to prepare for a possible suicide threat on her part, direct or indirect, as such can be a dishonest manipulative move on her part, at least partly.

anita

Dear ajetias:

We cannot guarantee someone else will be okay, we cannot make sure someone else will be okay. You could remain a … prisoner in your own home, stay with her, give in to her begging forever more, and … it doesn’t mean she will be okay. Nothing you do will mean that she will be okay.

You can only figure what is the best thing for you to do, for the purpose of increasing the chances that she will be okay, and that you will be okay.

I think that first priority for you is to not live with her. Next, is to not be financially or otherwise burdened by her at all. Be strategic about your next moves, extricate yourself from the situation one step at a time.

Be definite, don’t go back and forth (as she begs or threatens or you get filled with feelings of unjustified guilt).

anita

Dear ajetias:

You are welcome. When feeling guilty, as you do, it is helpful to figure out what you are responsible for and what you are not responsible for, and in turn, what she is responsible for and what not.

If she came up with “her dreams of marriage, kids etc”- then her dreams are her responsibility. She can next choose to abandon that dream or to incorporate another man into it in the future.

I suppose your dream is to be unburdened and happy enough. You are responsible for your dream. Make it happen then.

anita