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Troubled Marriage – I am the pursuer

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 6 months ago.

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  • #149797

    Keeping Calm
    Participant

    My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years and we have a child. From the beginning, my husband has exhibited indifference towards me. At first , it was sporadic … after a fight or once in a couple of weeks. But slowly it seeped into everyday life . And soon , it was everything . Leaving me alone on festivals and holidays , refusing to spend any time with me after work , weekends , and if I tried to talk , he would completely shut down and just walk out the room. After 2.5 years of crying , cajoling , negotiating , begging , I walked out ….

     

    a week after i left left he called and promised change and promised to be more responsive and those conversations lasted a week. I didn't go back immediately as I was not convinced. After a week of sweet talk he suddenly disconnected again .. I have always been the pursuer , the person who after a fight initiates conversation , the one who makes plans etc . I've found his attachment and enthusiasm towards me wean and finally die.

     

    i no longer want to chase. But I don't want the marriage to end. I fear that if I stop chasing , he will not bother and move on . What should I do ?

    #149807

    Smile
    Participant

    I feel your pain and worries.

    Most time people dont know what they have till its gone. I dont think he appreciates you. Yes he loves, he just dont want to be commited yet to the marriage he still needs that freedom.

    I dont encourage divorce at all. i encourage making it work.

    Hold on a little bit he will reach out to you, i advice you both see a marriage counsellor.

    #149813

    A.J
    Participant

    @ Keeping Calm… I am a husband of a child and been married for 3 years. Never had a good relationship with my parents due to their fights and beating, Never had good relationship with my brother and sister who left me with my parents to suffer. For a person like me my only salvation was to find a good life partner. I found my wife carefully chose her and purposed her. First 6 months were the best days of my life. she was loving, caring and 100% the women I wanted. Then due to my parents involvement we had fights. She started fading away from me. The more I tried to hold her the far away she went from me.

    So slowly my wife started showing nearly same symptoms as your husband. She would neglect me and spend time with her family and friends. I tried connecting with her through arguments, long discussions and sometimes fights but all she said was that I am too needy, clingy that she has her own life that she has her rights. It was like she was no more interested in me.

    Then I stopped giving her my attention. I started creating space between us. Started going home late. Showing minimal involvement in her life. Whenever she confronted me I just didn't share my feelings. My feelings were that “if she doesn't care why should I?” She started spending more time with her parents. She told me she needs to complete the studies and has to go to her parents because atmosphere at my home is not good for studies. I let her go…..because I didn't care. I was fed up with her behaviour towards me.

    When she came back she was always involved with her parents her friends or cell phone. Then someday I checked her mobile and she was involved with some unknown guy secretly (Sexting and other stuff). When I confronted she told me It was because of me and because of the gap I created. It's not the same after that. There is no trust now when I think of my wife. But we already had a child so for the sake of my child I let it go. I forgave her. I started giving her more attention because I thought I was the cause but she was the same as usual. Her friends and family were more important to her. Next year she cheated again (Not physically but cheating is cheating again, chatting in night with another man). Some people are not mentally able to commit to relationship. I again compromised for my child's future who was only 1 year old at the second time. Being a man I can't take care of my child in the culture I live in. Divorced men are not treated nicely among family and the child suffers throughout his life.

    Now I give all my time to myself and my child. I am polite with my wife and treat her as the mother of my child. From the start of this year I made my mind and didn't fight with her whatsoever. Even in a heated argument I tell her to do what she wants and that I will not fight with her. One time in a forced fight when she gave me threat to leave I told her to just “Go, I don't care anymore”  Slowly slowly now she is trying to change herself. She gives me more attention and tries to ask me what I want in all matters but I still say to her …”do as you wish“. Because in the end I can't trust her. I am just living for my kid. What she does…whether she stays or goes, cheats or lies ….. I doesn't matter to me anymore.

    If you can, learn from my life please…. Don't create a barrier, give marriage counselling a chance, involve elders or any third party help. Think about your child's future. I hope he is not cheating on you and if he is not don't give him reason to cheat. Once the trust is broken …. nothing can mend it. Believe me … there is no meaningful relationship without trust.

    Best of Luck.

     

    #149845

    anita
    Participant

    Dear keeping Calm:

    You wrote: “it (your husband exhibiting indifference towards you) was sporadic … after a fight …. I have always been the pursuer , the person who after a fight initiates conversation..”

    What were the fights about, who started those fights, how often..?

    anita

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