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- This topic has 10 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 10 months ago by
carolyn padgett.
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February 4, 2017 at 10:26 am #126711
carolyn padgettParticipantHi, I’ve been married 33 years this year. We have three grown daughters. This is a trust issue regarding my me and my husband. Over the years my husbands family have been terribly unkind in so many ways. Always interfered in our marriage and even told us that more than a few family members were praying we would divorce…this coming from a Christian family. He has never been there for me and always sided with his family to the point of me being berated by his brother in a parking lot while my husband stood by and said nothing (that was the last thing) but it took me crying and packing some clothes and staying at a friends home to do something to try to fix that. So just today I find out that he opened a big envelope that had photos in it to send to his mom. They are her pics (of my in-laws) and I thought she may want them back as I don’t want them. I had them the pkg/yellow envelope sealed and clamped and then I taped it shut so none of the pics would be damaged if the seal tore in any way. It has been sitting on our kitchen counter a week sealed with his mothers address on it. So I find out today that it’s been opened..my husband told me he opened it. All he had to do was ask me what was in it. But instead to un-sealed, took the tape off and everything to see what was inside. It hurt my feelings that he didn’t ask me but instead opened it. He said he wanted to know what was in it. I said you could have asked me. I feel like he doesn’t trust me when he did that. I would not open my husbands mail to my family…I would just ask him what it was. The only reason I would open something like that is if I do not trust what that person would tell me. I would never just rip open my husbands mail he was sending…I would ask. My husband said..I opened just in case they asked about whatever was inside..but all he had to do was ask me what was inside and not go through the task of un-sealing everything.
It’s been a long battle(seriously) with his family and I’m exhausted at this point. The list is long and distinguished as to the unkind things they have done and no help from my husband. I can’t even list them all. Any thoughts?
February 4, 2017 at 11:00 am #126713
AnonymousGuestDear Carolyn padgett:
Regarding your husband and his parents, I would send them both the same email (forwarded), or regular mail, with the following quotes from the bible, since his parents identify themselves as Christians:
Genesis 2:24 – “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
Ephesians 5:31 – For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
Matthew 19:5 – And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?”I am not a Christian, but since they are- these should be pointed out to them…
It must have been very tough to suffer through decades of your husband siding with those attacking you. Are you still staying at a friend’s home, and are you planning to leave this marriage?
anita
February 4, 2017 at 11:28 am #126714carolyn padgettParticipantHI Anita, thank you for your speedy/kind reply. We are still together…I thought we had worked through all this regarding his family. His excuse for ripping open my letter was he wanted to know what it was so when he saw them again he wouldn’t get caught off guard…but all he had to do was ask me what it was. His family just always comes first no matter what. I don’t know what to do just yet…I know I have to think clearly and not be in a place of being upset when I make a decision regarding my marriage. I stayed in my marriage because I believe in working things out and not using divorce as a easy way out as many do. I’ve had many people tell me to leave him but I do love him and I had faith in him to see that I/we/our marriage came first. I also know he/we had things to learn..we were young 18 and 21 when we met and married a year later. But I knew enough at that age that our marriage should have come first…that I should have come first. He and my girls have always come first in my life…so much so that I lost myself and had to get it back. But you are right…I am going to send those passages from the bible to his mother and his family. While it is too late regarding them since I’ve set my boundaries and don’t go over to see them anymore…my marriage is in jeopardy again. YOu know this is really sad though…this weekend is my husbands bday and I had planned a date night. We were going out to eat a nice dinner and then come home to just dance all night…all I’ve wanted to do since we dated is dance with my husband. So I made a song list up on my pc and it was going to play all night…just dancing. Now I don’t want to do any of it. I’m just hurt…and I hate feeling that AGAIN. I haven’t danced with him prob since we dated..maybe a long time ago at a wedding but nothing major. We have been through 2 liver transplants(doing well) with him and I’m grateful for every moment I have with him now…so I don’t understand this…just lost. But I’ll regroup as always and figure something out. Again thank you.
February 4, 2017 at 11:36 am #126716carolyn padgettParticipantRegarding the liver transplants..HE had them not me and doing well. Thought I should clarify.
February 4, 2017 at 12:07 pm #126720AnonymousGuestDear Carolyn Padgett:
You are welcome. Good you set boundaries with his parents. Regarding the envelop addressed to his parents by you- yes, he should have asked you, absolutely. And of course, he should have been on your side throughout the years, not on his parents’/ bio family’s side.
Clearly, you are not ready to leave your husband and you care for him deeply.
He had two liver transplants due to alcoholism?
I wonder about his relationship with his parents- I won’t be surprised if his parents, maybe his brother as well, were unkind to him throughout his childhood. He may be so very loyal to them because he was mistreated. Is that the case?
anita
February 4, 2017 at 12:21 pm #126722carolyn padgettParticipantLiver transplant due to a liver disease called PSC…for short. Bile ducts to the liver are the problem. He doesn’t drink..never has. His brother and sisters got along great. He has older sisters so they moved out pretty fast (married etc) when he was young but his younger brother and him got a long great. His parents were a little dominate..like some parents but no abuse at all. He is devoted to his mother which is the problem. I respect that he respects women and he does…just not me. I’ve seen him stick up for our daughters at times (if his family said anything and they never said anything again) and stick up for his friends…but never me.
February 4, 2017 at 12:28 pm #126726AnonymousGuestDear Carolyn Padgett:
I am inclined to look into people’s motivations and so I keep asking questions. Of course, feel free to not answer. In asking, I am trying to figure out- with your help, the only way it is possible- why your husband stands up for women: his mother, daughters, others…but not you.
Maybe, his parents, his mother being Christians, they instilled in him an anti-sexuality sentiment which makes you different than the “sacred” images of his mother, daughters and other women with whom he was not sexually involved.?
anita
February 4, 2017 at 12:37 pm #126732carolyn padgettParticipantPossibly…as though he puts them on a pedestal?? I understand why you ask…I do the same thing. I’ve always tried to see the other side of why people do things. I’m a healer by nature..I do healing touch. Constantly clearing myself..asking the questions. Think it’s why I’ve stayed as long as I have in this marriage.
February 4, 2017 at 12:51 pm #126733AnonymousGuestDear Carolyn Padgett:
You mean you stayed in the marriage trying to heal your husband? Yourself?
If this is the reason your husband takes other women’s side but not yours, I wonder what the solution would be, if there is one. I don’t suppose healing-touch will help his sentiment in this regard…? I wonder if a conversation on the matter with him may help (not a confrontation, but a conversation).
Be back in a few hours.
anita
February 4, 2017 at 2:05 pm #126734
Jennifer BoyattParticipantDear carolyn,
I totally get how it would make sense for him to ask you instead of ripping open.
However, I think that one incident is a small symptom of some much deeper things–of course, as you have shared. So, in that sense, let the incident go, and really find a way to get to the bottom of your relationship.
Oddly enough, I suggest you begin with yourself. You do have to know yourself and heal yourself before you can be the best YOU to bring to a relationship and see clearly enough as to what is really going on. The tough thing is that many times, as women we find ourselves in unequal yokes with our men, even if the problems don’t seem to rise to divorce level. But it’s just years of quiet misery, and we don’t actually have a partner who will help us move forward.
But we can’t wait for the other person, even in a marriage. Find YOU; find your contentedness; find YOUR boundaries; do YOUR healing work. Don’t wait for him. Just be as benevolent and merciful to him as you can, and meanwhile love yourself more than anyone you know loves you, including your husband. He may not ‘come around’, ever, but still, your rising to a new level of being you is going to have a good influence on him. You’ll learn skills of how to help with your in-laws too.
No magic wand. Lots of day-in-and-out practice. But the good news is you don’t have to wait for them to ‘grow up’. You can find you, without their permission or participation.
Once you are healed as yourself, you’ll see more clearly what is needed in your marriage.
I wish you the best. Soooo not easy.
Been there,
~JenniferFebruary 4, 2017 at 2:33 pm #126737carolyn padgettParticipantThank you Jennifer for your reply. I will take that all into consideration. Hugs
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