I have struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life. It’s more of a losing battle for my sake and something that I’m having a hard time getting in control of. I feel so alone when I get caught up in my feelings and lately it’s been even harder for me. With these last few years being years of sorrow and losses, I have had a hard time being in a positive state of mind. As much as I want it, and want to feel better, I feel that I continue to fall back step by step into my anxiety and depression. My history is anything, but beautiful with failed relationships, constant heart break, and being cheated on by numerous boyfriends. Here I am at 24, with a man who truly loves me unconditionally, yet I struggle to trust him. I have stuck to my word about not going through his phone, checking texts and things like that, but I did lose my control one time and went through his computer and Facebook. I had found a message sent to a girl from college where he complimented her and said he was looking at her pictures. In the conversation she asked him how our relationship was, he told her that he was really happy, but that I’m not his type. I still to this day have a hard time understand what that even means, and my insecurities grew because of that. He has told me about his past, and how he had be cheated on by his last girlfriend and how he would never do that to me. I should be able to trust him, but I can’t. I’m afraid he will leave me for someone else, or cheat on me because it has happened so many times before with previous relationships. I found on his computer that he was also looking at porn, which made me even more insecure and made me feel really bad about myself because I took it personally. He promised to never do it again because of how I reacted and how hurt I was, but I still don’t trust that he won’t go and look at it because now he could reset his history on his computer and he doesn’t bring his laptop over anymore after I told him what I did and what I found. I so badly want to let go of these bad, negative feelings, but I just don’t know how. I have been losing this battle of trust, anxiety and depression for numerous years. I don’t even know where to start besides to try to reach out for help, for guidance. One of my close friends told me they don’t understand how someone so beautiful inside and out can be struggling so hard with this, but I feel that it’s not how I treat others that is affected, it’s how I treat myself. My anxiety and depression has caused me to be unhealthy with eating habits, not eating or not eating enough and it’s a constant battle for me. If I could find a way to start fighting back against my anxiety and depression, I believe I may have a shot at living a happy life. In the meantime, I just want to give up and cry, which is what I’ve been doing a lot of the last few days. This is not the life I want to live.