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Trusting myself while freaking out? Dating is hard …

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • December 23, 2016 at 6:08 am #123361
    Paula_G
    Participant

    Dear people,

    I am kindly asking your advice in a dating situation. I am confused right now.

    I met this man so 8 weeks ago through an online dating site. We went on several dates and he was very kind and he also told me that he likes me. Then he was on a business trip, during that time he sent me pictures and wrote to me regularly. He asked to see me before Christmas and we set this date on last Sunday; the days before he was busy but I was not happy, as we did not write to each other as much as before. When he came, it was a very nice afternoon with lunch, museum, etc. He brought me gifts from his trip. But I was really tired and exhausted that day and could not be as attentive and present as I want myself to be. He left after 5-6 hours and told me, that we will see each other next year. And this left me really confused; I am sad, I was hoping to see him before. He told me before, that he will be in town during the holidays and what he will do. He also told me, that he is very exhausted from all the work he has done and I believe it. Since Sunday we only exchanged a message (me asking his address to send me cookies) which took him many hours to reply…

    I am struggeling with being patient and not rushing to conclusions. Right now I am so overworked myself and into that situation, that I am not sure if I can be kind of objective. I am swinging between extreme poles of “He is an idiot and showing me his non-interest” => run away or protect yourself; or something like “He is interested and might have his own stuff to deal with” => be patient…

    Maybe you can help me to think a bit more straight 🙂
    Thank you for your answers

    Paula

    December 23, 2016 at 6:45 am #123366
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Paula:

    He may be not interested but notice this, you are thinking:
    “He is… showing me his non-interest” => run away or protect yourself”

    If he is showing you non-interest, there is no reason to run away- the distance is already there, he is not chasing you. What I think you mean by running away is that you feel threatened by rejection and you automatically want to run away (a natural reaction to fear). You are “freaking out” (in the title of your thread)-

    Can you do the following short exercise and let me know your thoughts and feelings following?-

    Take a few deep breaths and imagine him being not interested, him not contacting you anymore and going about his life, and you proceeding with life with no more contact from him. Keep breathing and visualizing this. Can you be at peace with that imagery?

    anita

    December 23, 2016 at 10:52 am #123378
    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Dear Paula,

    Don’t take this so personally. The man has spent over 2 months of time with you, met you before Christmas and now there is a week away before the next year starts. Surely you can assume that he has personal reasons related to his own life outside of you which are keeping him busy during the holidays such as family, some other obligation. It would be too soon anyway to disclose that much detail.

    I suggest you calm down, wait it out, enjoy holidays, go on other dates (you aren’t exclusive anyway) and if he doesn’t contact you in first week of January, simply drop him a happy new year text at best. If you still feel troubled, ask him what’s wrong but not now – later when he doesn’t walk the talk. People can be busy, it’s normal.

    In case he really isn’t interested, it’s good you came to know early on only but don’t assume that just yet. Calm down, wait.

    You have done your bit. Let the ball go to his court.

    Regards
    Nina

    December 23, 2016 at 3:44 pm #123393
    Paula_G
    Participant

    Hey Anita,
    You got me, yes i am freaking out and it has to do with fear from rejection.
    I tried this imagination and it feels strange, its hard to imagine that, but when i do.. I don’t feel this huge peace, but for sure i can see myself being ok.
    It’s hard to stay focused with high stress levels and also see things in perspective when i am getting carried away but emotions, tensions etc.
    Best paula

    December 23, 2016 at 7:13 pm #123415
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Paula:

    With high stress levels thinking clearly is impossible and living is very difficult. This is why number one priority is to lower your stress level- long, long walk out does it for me. Swimming, yoga, relaxing music, hot baths, and so much more can be done to keep stress low. If you don’t feel like walking, force yourself and after five minutes of discomfort (it happens so for me), you may feel better. Guided meditation maybe.

    Regarding the guy, it is possible that he lost interest. Losing interest in the dating world happens often so it is not unreasonable to consider this may be the case. But as you visualized, you could see yourself being okay with it. Somehow talk yourself (on a walk, after a swim, in a hot bath.. you choose) into accepting this very reasonable possibility.

    I too feared rejection a whole lot. When I did internet dating I solved my fear of rejection problem by making first dates (or interviews, as they were more like) with a few men every weekend, in a casual setting, coffee shop, during the day. I didn’t see one man, then withdraw from the site, then worry whether it will become a relationship or not etc. I simply kept interviewing men. And I was honest about doing so, encouraging them to do the same.

    What do you think about my strategy?

    anita

    December 24, 2016 at 6:19 am #123432
    Paula_G
    Participant

    Dear nina,
    Thank you for your perspective. I guess you are right. I am trying to keep calm and dont take it too personal.
    Yes maybe i go on some other date… I was focusing on him, as i like him and did not want to confuse myself with other people.. But maybe it’s not confusing…

    Paula

    December 27, 2016 at 5:04 am #123672
    Paula_G
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    I have been thinking about your idea for some time… with dating serveral people at a time to reduce the fear of rejection. Up to a certain degree i think it is a good approach. And when he was on his business trip I have met someone else… But then on the other side at some point in dating, with more involvement happening, it is hard for me to concentrate on more people. I am not sure, i am still thinking about your idea…

    Best Paula

    December 27, 2016 at 10:07 am #123696
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Paula:

    With more involvement happening, of course, you want to reduce the numbers of people you are dating and with enough involvement with one, I would too reduce the number of men I dated to … only one.

    The key is – what kind of involvement we are talking about. There is not much involvement possible in a first casual date, or any kind of one date. Notice this: if you feel a lot of involvement following one date, it is probably based on fantasy instead of reality. A man may feel like the right one for you but there is no way to tell on a first date, or a second… or a third. You can have a policy of no “more involvement” (which would require no longer seeing other men) before the third date.

    And so, during the first, second and third date, you get to know the man. You can even take notes following each date and refresh your memory before the second and third.

    And again, I am referring to no-physical-intimacy casual dates, or mutual interviews, in a coffee house or sitting in a part, both parties arriving to the location separately and leaving separately.

    anita

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