Dear OrangeHeart:

In April 25 this year, when your relationship reached its 1 year mark, you were worried that he and another woman in your friends group were arranging to meet behind your back: “Found out yesterday off someone else that they have plans for her birthday and no one has told me so far… I just cant stop thinking about this… I just cant get it out my head and its making me feel miserable… I feel like I’m going crazy“.

Fast forward 4.5 months (Sept 10), your brain is “in a bit of a muddle” from all that overthinking about all kinds of evidence, or red flags (“there’s literally so much things I’m noticing all the time.. For example him saying that a conversation has happened when I can’t remember it“), showing that your boyfriend may be “a bit toxic.. doing things intentionally“.

Back to April 25, you were also worried about him losing interest in you, but you didn’t know if he really was losing interest in you or you were just imagining it: “I also don’t know if what I think is loss of interest is actually just my brain telling me things are wrong? I’m struggling to distinguish between what’s really happening and what I think is happening, which is crazy“.

OrangeHeart, I think that what is happening is that you grew up in a home where things were often wrong and as a result, you were often distressed and alert to what next is going to turn wrong. Fast forward, you are doing the same in your relationship: being alert to what is wrong so to be prepared or plan your next move. I think that mentally, you are re-living your childhood.

Here is the wrongness you grew up with: “My parents relationship is rubbish!.. My mum is quite abusive towards my dad and brings him down to nothing at any chance she gets. She done the same with my sister and I growing up“.

A few days ago, Sept 6, you wrote about your boyfriend: “I’ve really lost trust recently, not that I think hes going to cheat on me but just overall trust, I cant rely on him and I never know what I’m going to get“- you don’t trust him just as you didn’t trust your mother, alert to her next abusive behavior toward your father or your sister.. or toward you.

“I wouldn’t say he lies to me but he only tells me half a story!“- you are suspicious of him, looking for evidence that he lies to you. But it hardly ever happens that a person tells the whole story at any one time.. people forget details for a moment, remember later.. they focus on one part of the story at one time,  and on another part of the story at another time. An incomplete story at any one time (unless a suspect is interrogated for hours by a detective who is taking notes, or by a prepared and practiced courtroom attorney) is not evidence of lying.

“It’s not lies but its not quite the whole truth“- same thing, it hardly ever happens that you will get the whole truth from a person at any one time, and even at a series of times- except in court when questioned for hours by a prepared and practiced courtroom attorney, after stating: “I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth”.

At the end of your original post here, you asked: “How am I supposed to fix this?“- quality psychotherapy where you will process your experience growing up with your abusive mother will be a great start!

anita

Dear OrangeHeart:

In April 25, you wrote about your current relationship compared to previous: “In every other relationship I’ve been in once it gets to around the year mark I realize I don’t want to be with them anymore and I end up leaving them but this time its not the case!“-

– Well, it seems like it is the case, there was just a delay of some time.

“I don’t think it is all just because of trauma though. I do think there’s more substance to my thoughts than just trauma“- of course there is substance to your thoughts.. it’s just that when trauma sticks to them like hair to soap.. it gets messy.

“I feel down constantly just now and I’m never usually like this!”- except when it’s time to end a relationship, which is what you are about to do, isn’t it…

“I feel so trapped and unheard and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and scared to speak about things and a whole range of other emotions! I do feel like I’d feel better if I was alone..  Its a lot easier!“- you feel  trapped and unheard and walking on eggshells just as you did as a child, and the solution: to end the relationship and feel better!

Understandably, you are motivated to talk about Him, to put together all possible evidence that he is abusive and toxic.. maybe call him a narcissist, and close the book on him and on the relationship. I am not interested in discussing Him and helping you close the book on him just so that you feel better for it temporarily and then.. repeat.

Some men are abusive, of course, and maybe this one as well.. but I didn’t see evidence to it in your writings. In any case, if, and only if you want to discuss your childhood trauma with me at any time (not the guy), you  are welcome to address me individually, and I will reply to you further.

anita

Dear OrangeHeart,

So when he’s in a bad mood about something, he doesn’t completely not speak to me, but he doesn’t make conversation, the atmosphere totally changes, he will give one word answers, when I ask what’s wrong he will insist its nothing but there definitely is something. Its really obvious when he’s annoyed at something I can tell within seconds! But he still won’t tell me

Well, that’s practically a silent treatment and a very childish behavior – he gets offended for something, you don’t even know what it is and wouldn’t even expect it (e.g. for washing the dishes), and then he won’t tell you why. You are pleading to tell you why, so you can “repair” the behavior, but even that’s not good enough for him – he is punishing you for something only he understands. I believe this kind of behavior is toxic and abusive.

If you experience it again, I believe you should stop pleading him to tell you what’s wrong. If I were you, I’d tell him that I don’t want to play those games. If he holds something against you, he should tell you openly, otherwise you’re not interested in his games because such behavior hurts you. That would be one way to set a boundary. A relationship should be based on open and honest communication, and if he isn’t willing to do it, but withdraws and sulks, he isn’t able for a mature relationship.

I definitely need to try setting those boundaries! I’m just so used to doing it that its my automatic response, i sometimes don’t even form an idea of what I’d like, i just automatically go with other people’s ideas. So i need to spend some time thinking about things I want to do I think

Yes, so try to observe yourself and your impulses and preferences. When someone suggests something, is it something you would like to do or not? And if not, don’t automatically say yes, but say “let me think about it”. And then you at least give yourself some space to not comply automatically, but you give yourself a chance to stop, consider and develop the courage to say No.

You don’t need to reject everything you don’t like, but start with one thing (perhaps something easier, where it won’t cause a big upheaval). You can practice it when you are alone: allow yourself to feel the sense of No in your gut, then make a rejecting  movement with your body and your arms as if you are pushing something away. At the same time, say No out loud. You may repeat it several times. This is how you can practice rejection, in the privacy of your home.

When you develop enough courage and determination, you can then refuse the thing you don’t want to in front of other people – not rudely, but respectfully. It won’t be easy at first, but I believe practicing at home might help. Let me know what you think about it (and you are welcome to not like it and to reject it – I won’t mind, and it will do you good for practice 🙂 ).