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Trying to let go…But its harder then I thought.

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  • #34964
    Miya
    Participant

    3 Subjects of major disappointment in a short period of time for me.

    1. 1 month ago I got married – it was suppose to be the happiest day of my life, but things happened. Maybe to me it was really bad, and I know
    its something that is beyond my control. Firstly, my late grandpa died 1 day before my wedding, I already had a hard time with the pressure with my wedding and then came the unexpected funeral for the one i loved dearly and I was griefing, but then I felt that I had to go on with the wedding, after all I planned the wedding for like a year and half for the date which is also is my birthday.

    2. On my wedding day which is also my birthday, after the event finished, I found my husband phone, and
    I found a text that he cheated on me. I found out he meetup with the girl on the funeral of my late grandpa doing stuffs and then
    I confronted him, and its true. And I was stuck. It was a really hard time after crying over my late grandpa a day before and then getting to know that your NEWLY wedded husband cheated on you on the exact same day which is also my birthday. It was the lowest part of my life, I remember crying so much, cause I was really sad, and confuse, and angry and happy all the same time. And felt really numb and I can’t seems to do anything about it. I can’t seems to tell my family, I can’t seems to tell anyone about it. And I had to pretend in front of the family everything was fine till we go for our honeymoon on the next day. He said he was sorry for what he did and he tries to patch things up to make me feel better about it. But my trust on him can’t seems to get back up till today. I love him with all my heart. But I keep going back to the point where I feel like he is not worth it and I keep on blaming myself about it. I keep going back to the point asking myself, why didn’t I find out before I got married, so maybe the wedding might not even go on. But I know in the end we are fated to be together, that why he decided to marry me. I still find things to be appreciative about for the little things he did for me right after the wedding, like sending me to work, and taking care of me while I was really sick.

    3.The wedding event was a disaster; well it is according to my family, but not to me. A day after I got back from my honeymoon, they invited me back home and then taunt and blamed everything on me. They cursed me for the wrong wedding decorations, they cursed me for the catering, they cursed me for being an awful child because I didn’t intent to stay there (my old home) right after the wedding. What made the matter worse, they even question the kind of man I married to (even though they didn’t know what actually happened). I felt so emotionally abused by my own family for this. And I am truly disappointed because they looked down on me and my newly wedded husband – even though we are rocky after getting married, I still felt I need to protect him..

    But I can’t seems to let go of the things he did that hurt me, like how he promised me not to contact the bitch months before, and then weeks before and then 1 day before. 3 times! My trust on him been destroyed over and over because I loved him too much, and when he married me, I was happy and truly sad at the same time. Some days I let it go, somedays it haunts me to the point I felt really depressed that I have sucidal thoughts, because I was angry with myself and him and everyone including my family..

    I don’t know what to do now. This site has brought and taught me to be calm solely on me, I know I’m strong. But sometimes I felt like I have no more energy left to go on. I don’t know if time will heal me slowly, or I should really seek professional help with my depression and Anxieties..

    #34994
    Amy
    Participant

    Hi Miya. You are strong and you do have the energy to go on.

    13 years ago I met someone and I fell in love. I thought he was my soul mate and we started a relationship 10 years ago, and that relationship ended last year. I betrayed his trust and he betrayed mine. We hurt each other unintentionally and intentionally. We claimed we loved each other but we were unhappy, but I absolutely did not want to live my life without him. After the relationship ended, we remained in contact and I was filled with resentment, guilt, anger, sadness, and longing. I wanted to fix the relationship and I wanted him to fall in love with me once again. In my thoughts, I would re-play all the cruel things he did and said. In my thoughts, I would also re-play all the love and kindness he showed me. For years I felt like I was living in hell. I basically tortured myself and I tortured him. After years of putting myself through this hell, I broke-down and I decided that I couldn’t do this anymore. I have to take responsibility for my life and accept that I was making myself unhappy. It was time for me to stop entertaining myself with the painful stories and it was time for me to stop entertaining myself with even the sweet & romantic stories. It was time for me to stop calling him to ask why he doesn’t love me anymore and to stop trying to get answers. I suffered because I wanted to hold on. I desperately wanted to hold on to him and I wanted to hold on to the future I constructed in my imagination. For 10 years I had been telling myself (and I believed) that I needed him. But, I realize now that needing someone is the fastest way to kill a relationship.
    I was severely depressed because, for the longest time, I made someone else responsible for my sense of worth and my self-esteem.
    It was time for me to start loving myself. Think loving thoughts to myself. Say loving words to myself. Do loving things to myself. (and to other people).

    I silently say “I give him away” every time I get an urge to see contact him and whenever I become fixed on the idea that “we are meant to be together”. The tighter I hold on to him, the more I suffered!
    I silently say “Everything is okay and I don’t have to worry about anything” whenever I am about to get consumed by fearful thoughts.
    My state of being is up to me. Some days are harder than others, but some days are easier than others.

    There is no right or wrong way, so do it your way. If you think seeking professional help is something you want to do, then try it out. If you think time will slowly heal you, then try ‘letting time heal you’.

    I tried out everything that I could think of 🙂 I sought out professional help. I cried. I screamed. I blamed people. I isolated myself. I stayed in bed a lot. I picked up new hobbies. I took walks. I called my friends. I meditated. I medicated. I prayed. I volunteered my time to help others. I did nothing. I read inspiring stories. I listened to music. I watched movies. I read tons of self-help books. I picked at my emotional wounds. I drove on the freeway for hours so I can ‘get away’. I gave myself a break from thinking.

    You said, “I don’t know what to do now” —- love yourself. Notice who and what you are being, doing, and having, and see whether it serves you.

    Thank you Miya for sharing your story and thank you for reading mine.

    #35005
    KK
    Participant

    OMG Amy, I could have written your story verbatim. 10 year long relationship with my female partner (after we each divorced our husbands) ended about 18 months ago and I am still in the letting go process. We met in a 12 Step group….this was each of our’s “home group”…..and it was a huge part of my life. We all attended social events together, weekly cried out our sorrows or laughed over our shortcomings, She and I both had sponsors within the group and shared mutual friends…but many of the members belonged in separate “camps” so to say..in that she had some people more loyal to her and I had some more loyal to me. They had watched over the years the struggle in our relationship..the repeated break ups and reunions, and basically people had opinions. We are all human and I am sure we have all judged one another at times as well.

    I finally ended the relationship in late 2011 and as could be expected it was bad….lots of hurt and pain for each of us. And basically a to be expected split in the group…it shouldn’t happen…afterall we are just there trying to stay sober…but it happened none the less. Because I initiated the final split….and she had more supports in the group than I….I didn’t return to the meeting for 15 months. In that time I ended up relapsing (after 20 years) and finally went into treatment last November determined to stay clean and sober once again.

    I thought I could handle this emotionally. I wanted to show everyone (and her) how well I was doing…how happy I was blah blah. Not only did I now see her each week, she had a new partner in the group!! What the hell was I doing to myself? I had no more moved on than if it all happened yesterday. Once I stopped using the drugs to stuff my feelings…they all came to the surface. Next thing u know I am crying at every meeting…talking about new sobriety…but certainly not talking about the elephant in the room. I wasn’t going to play the “communicate indirectly” game…..and I also wanted to remain sensitive to her. However, as her immaturity had been a huge stress when we were together…what made me think it wouldn’t occur now? She talked about how happy she now is…how grateful she is to be in a different place in her life blah blah. And I would sit there week after week pulling the scabs off my healing wounds.

    I finally saw this and stopped going to the meeting again. It was way too soon. I am still raw. So…I start going to another meeting….one that is attended by all her supports and none of mine. While they seem happy to see me and are nice…..here I am again- editing my sharing….and surrounding myself with just more reminders.

    I am finally seeing that I still have an attachment not only to her….but to that whole chapter of my life. Not only do I have to grieve the loss of her…I need to grieve the loss of my former life.

    I have done a ton of work on myself since getting clean again…have some very loyal friends, beautiful children (who are very happy that relationship is over), a great psychiatrist and psychologist…..and a bit more life experience. Unfortunately I still have a final cord to cut with her that I doubt will be pleasant (we own a home together..I no longer live there)….but the more distance I create now, the more letting go I do—the easier I hope that will be.

    It really is a process…..KK

    #35101
    Amy
    Participant

    Hi KK. Double thumbs up to you 🙂 Thank you for writing!

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