Inthebliss,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand the bewilderment that accompanies intimacy, and how draining it can be when our partner doesn’t seem to be able to come to the plate. Instead of “sometimes you dealt it, sometimes he dealt it”, he (for whatever reason) can’t take responsibility. Instead, he gets aggressive. That kills a relationship pretty quickly. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that he might not take personal responsibility for his emotions, but you display signs of doing the same. Consider, he growls at you, perhaps male pms, stressed day, who knows… and instead of “ah, mr grumpypants needs help/space/a new job” and letting it stay on your side, you grab onto it, “how could he do that to meee? Treat me like that!” Buddha taught that when we notice, accept, that their actions aren’t causing our feelings, rather, its our perceptions, the way we’re seeing the situation, then we can be free.

For instance, consider “he wounds me, he attacks me”, vs “I feel wounded,I feel attacked”. The former invites his garbage in, while the other steps back, looks at your reactions to his garbage… which is where all the magic is, because you can let go of a reaction on your side, learn to instead respond with peaceful heart. Such as my four year old daughter yelled at me earlier, saying I let her older sister steal her special blanket. I could simply see her discomfort, and never made her aggression about me. In romantic relationships, its more difficult to stay detached, of course, usually much more confusion.

However, a good rule of thumb is to find authentic forgiveness for their unskillful behaviors. For instance, you say he is stuck blaming his past for his outbursts, but where else would they come from? If he feels stuck, rutted, he’s probably feeling like a pressure cooker a lot of the time. A few pokes and kaboom! Not that’s it healthy, or you should roll over, but its not some lasting fault of his character… he’s just stuck in habits. Usually feeling shitty about himself, probably. A failure.

That being said, their patterns can be pretty corrosive, and you’re thinking for two. But in your heart, you can perhaps see he’s like a thornbush… a lovable part of nature, but not something you want to dance with. But as you can accept that the thorns aren’t really his fault, as he does have a troubled past (or he’d be more courageous, stable here and now), then you can forgive him and let his garbage stay on his side.

“Whatever the causes and conditions that bring these painful moments for me, I forgive you for your side of it. May you be free
Whatever the causes and conditions that bring these painful moments for me, I forgive myself for my side of it. May I be free.”

Then, consider letting it go. Get to what you want to be doing. If you notice you’re getting pulled into his garbage, pull out of the thorn bush. Set his jabs down, let them go. Who cares? Why let his jibbertyjab spoil your beautiful day? A simple “may you find peace on your journey” and get back to singing to your baby. Why spin? Why give him control of your day like that?

Finally, consider spending lots of time self nurturing. Be really kind to yourself, tender, giving affection and plenty of space. Being preggo is tough enough on the body, with the added stress of the break/up, your body will surely soak up those self hugs like a sponge. Let it unwind, be calm, let go, try to help yourself ease the tensions from a busy life. Its not selfish to self nurture in this way, rather, its a good way to stay heartfelt, stable.

With warmth,
Matt

Inthebliss,

I’m glad you enjoyed metta meditation… “if a million people practiced metta, there’d be a million happy people.” – Bhante G. 🙂

I can understand the allure of sorting it out with the father, and its always possible. Maybe the potential of losing you is enough to wake him up, see his stress, take responsibility… but don’t bet your happiness on it. It often takes a lot of effort to grow in that way, and if he invests that effort, he may morph from a frog into a prince. Said differently, good people say dumb things, and loudly, when they’re overwhelmed, entangled, fearful, and it takes effort to stop that habit of it.

If you do try to let him back into your heart, to regrow trust, be slow and gentle, cautious. Not “miracle cure”, but rather make sure he’s ready to grab the mop and bucket and stay with it.

Finally, as you’ve told your stories, it occurred to me you may benefit from reading some of Pia Mellody’s work on Co-dependence. Mellody explored the way that our self love often determines our resistance to our partner”s stress. Instead of seeing “ah, partner is stressed”, it blows up into “proof he/she doesn’t love me”, “proof i’m/they’re unlovable” and so on. All just garbage that fades when we spend enough time self nurturing. Then, their stress remains just what it is, and can be handled without so much inner conflict on your side. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt