Meagan,

I’m sorry for all of the pain and suffering you’re enduring. Letting go of resentment is a difficult and noble aim, and it takes a powerful heart to even approach it. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that forgiving your sisters and mother has nothing to do with them. There is a part of Meagan that is still bound up, suffering because of the past. Often we think that to forgive others is somehow releasing them from their actions, that holding on will somehow, someday bring justice to the injustice. This is not the case. When we hang on to resentment, its like we’re capturing a little piece of our joy and pushing it away from us. As our mind pulls in the memories, all the painful emotions come with them. Letting go allows us to remember (like we could forget!) without those painful feelings.

The reason its important to see that is because the path of letting go is about accepting the actions of others. Consider that a mother’s connection to her children is powerful… naturally, biologically, physiologically. Consider how an equally powerful force of suffering must have been inside her for her to abandon her children, steal your family’s money, and then lash out at you. Who the heck does that?!? Someone in the grip of powerful suffering. Not that it is an “excuse”, but it just “is”.

Now consider that her suffering pushed her to act like an ass, and as you saw her actions, you made them about you. This is normal, usual. Buddha taught that we don’t have to. If you can just see that mom acted selfishly because of her suffering, it is enough to be free. Because what you can also see from that viewpoint is that in acting the way she did, she passed to you a gift of painful feelings that you still have. Its like her wound, which caused her to act very unmotherly, is now stuck in your heart and mind, causing you to act unskillfully. Said differently, its like a game of hot potato… and right now you have the potato in your hand, and are looking for a way to set it down. And that’s exactly what you’re doing. Mom may or may not change, sisters may or may not change, so we cannot give them the keys to our joy by wishing they would change.

Instead, we take a radical approach. We dig our heels into the heart, take a stand, and set down the hot potato. This is done by giving our loving kindness to them in our mind. “Mother, sisters, may you find peace, joy and happiness. May no harm come to you.” We do it as sincerely as we can, and over and over. This frees our mind from its resentment and pain. We don’t do it for them, we do it to recover Meagan’s joy. Let them suffer as they will until they figure out how to act lovingly, that is their burden, their karma. Ours is to love unconditionally, so we can be free. Its OK for you to grit your teeth and feel like you want to kick and lash, that’s normal. But, keep saying it… keep trying to give them the warmth inside… remember that it is not for them, its to reclaim your warm feelings. Here is a guided meditation that can help:

After all, haven’t you suffered enough from her actions? Isn’t it time you were free? I think so, and believe in your heart. I don’t say this as a dreamer, offering some goody goody advice to make the world a loving place. I’ve been there, and held resentment to the point of wishing for the death of my abusers. As I found my peace by doing and seeing exactly this, the anger faded and my mind became smooth and peaceful. Realize the canvas is blank, and we get to paint it however we wish… and as we free ourselves from past pain, the colors becomes more vibrant and joyous. Its worth the gritted teeth!

With warmth,
Matt