Anita,

My girlfriend had just the same reaction when I voiced these concerns to her.. But no, my simple solution is not to hook up and level out the scores so to speak. I cherish what I have with her and we have seen each other through a lot for me to just end the relationship so I can go hook up. Cheating is obviously out of the question because apart from it being wrong in itself, I don’t think I’ll be able to live with myself seeing myself follow in my father’s footsteps. I feel stuck and distressed not because she has been with other people, but because I’ve been with nobody but her. It scares me that this feeling of worry I get now, the feeling of nagging i get in my head sometimes will grow into something larger that will eventually destroy our relationship.

About what distressed me before and why the relationship was such a rollercoaster? I had one proper relationship before this and she unfortunately cheated on me. So being cheated on, coupled with my parent’s failing marriage left me angry and paranoid. I found it hard to commit. As our relationship progressed I found myself distancing myself from her more and more. This wasn’t something that happened because we were incompatible but because I pushed her away because the idea of investing in a relationship again terrified me. I was scared and didn’t want to be cheated on again and I formed a notion that all relationships end badly. So I lashed out and pushed her away and broke up. She fought for me and we decided to give it another chance, which unfortunately ended in a similar fashion. After this we just cut each other out of our lives and decided to go separate ways (which is when she started seeing other people) and eventually fate brought us together again and I decided to grow up and really put effort into this relationship and not let the notions i had formed of relationships affect me. We’ve come a long way from how we started and I’m really proud of it. She has made me a better person and she’s helped me through a lot of issues in life especially my problems with commitment.

Anita,

I think this is close to the conflict I feel. I would like to say that commitment is not the issue for me anymore, that my girlfriend has really helped me mature in this aspect and leave my demons behind. I love her and I honestly want and can see a future with her. So I don’t think it’s about choosing between committed and suffering/not committed and not suffering. I feel uncomfortable about her having been with other people and wonder if I may be making a mistake by not having done so myself because what if this discomfort I feel now turns into something nastier later, so much so that I’m not able to continue with her and just throw away years of hardwork somewhere down the line in our relationship. I want to be able to move past this, and not left wondering whether if it would’ve been easier for me if I’d been with other people as well.

What resonated with me about your post is that I know and understand the concept of monogamous relationships, I see people around me in them and I see them happy. But i feel they’re happy because they’ve experienced things in life. I feel they’re comfortable with the choice they’ve made and the sense of finality attached to it because they’ve seen and experienced the different things. It’s not about x number of people, it’s about not just one. It’s like I’m on The Price is Right and I’ve made my decision on the first even before I’ve seen what’s behind the other doors. And my girlfriend has seen the other doors and she knows that this is what’s right for her, that this is what she chooses. I’ve never had and will not have enough information to go on and feel like I’ve made an informed decision. I feel if she hadn’t hooked up, I would’ve been fine with her being the only person I’ve been with even though I wouldn’t have been the only person she’s been with because the fact she was with someone before me never ever bothered me.

Anita,

I feel my posts are somehow offending you. If that is the case then I’m sorry for whatever language or view may have caused that. I am repeating my thought only so I can be sure i have communicated it clear enough which I feel I’m unable to. It is not about how many partners I have or the nature of relationship I have with them. The fact that she’s been with other people and I have not, makes me feel somehow inadequate and I do not know how to explain to you how exactly it makes me feel inadequate or feel its unfair. I don’t know what ‘information’ I mean, the last part of my previous post was just my best attempt to explain what I feel in my head.

It’s true, my girlfriend’s input on the situation hasn’t helped my case at all. After all the discussions, she suggests I take a break to figure out things and decide what I really want.

I wish I could elaborate further on the inadequate part but unfortunately this is where I draw a blank. It can be best summed up as inadequate and I’m unable to describe why or how exactly it makes me feel inadequate

Anita,

I was unwell for a couple of days and therefore didn’t get around to answering your post.

I don’t remember specific ways my mother suffered. I know was sad a lot, and I remember I never liked it. But apart from that all I remember is being careful about never letting her know I miss dad. Infact, beyond a point I feel this became my reality and I became very well versed with blocking of emotions/thoughts I didn’t want anyone else to know or I myself didn’t want to discuss with people.

Once again, I don’t remember any specifics about what I did to make her feel better except just generally helping her around with the chores and making sure I’m not a nuisance to her.

I won’t say she’s suffering still. She’s just closed that chapter of her life and moved on. As far as i know, she’s never tried dating again and is just content with her life this way