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Unable to shake off past

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 34 total)
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  • #173521
    DP
    Participant

    Anita,

    My girlfriend had just the same reaction when I voiced these concerns to her.. But no, my simple solution is not to hook up and level out the scores so to speak. I cherish what I have with her and we have seen each other through a lot for me to just end the relationship so I can go hook up. Cheating is obviously out of the question because apart from it being wrong in itself, I don’t think I’ll be able to live with myself seeing myself follow in my father’s footsteps. I feel stuck and distressed not because she has been with other people, but because I’ve been with nobody but her. It scares me that this feeling of worry I get now, the feeling of nagging i get in my head sometimes will grow into something larger that will eventually destroy our relationship.

    About what distressed me before and why the relationship was such a rollercoaster? I had one proper relationship before this and she unfortunately cheated on me. So being cheated on, coupled with my parent’s failing marriage left me angry and paranoid. I found it hard to commit. As our relationship progressed I found myself distancing myself from her more and more. This wasn’t something that happened because we were incompatible but because I pushed her away because the idea of investing in a relationship again terrified me. I was scared and didn’t want to be cheated on again and I formed a notion that all relationships end badly. So I lashed out and pushed her away and broke up. She fought for me and we decided to give it another chance, which unfortunately ended in a similar fashion. After this we just cut each other out of our lives and decided to go separate ways (which is when she started seeing other people) and eventually fate brought us together again and I decided to grow up and really put effort into this relationship and not let the notions i had formed of relationships affect me. We’ve come a long way from how we started and I’m really proud of it. She has made me a better person and she’s helped me through a lot of issues in life especially my problems with commitment.

    #173527
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear DP:

    I may have an idea regarding what is nagging you. I will develop my idea as I type and will look forward to you telling me what you think of it:

    as an adult you probably know that there are people who are in monogamous, loving relationships and are committed to each other. You are familiar with the concept. But a child only knows what he experiences at home. There is no outside information to modify his beliefs.

    At home your mother was the committed party to the marriage and the result: she suffered a lot. Your father was the non-committed party to the marriage, the cheating one, the one leaving, and he did not suffer.

    You do not want to suffer, naturally.

    From your experience of childhood, to not suffer, you need to be like your father, to cheat, to not be committed, to leave… but you don’t want to be like him because of your strong sense of justice, that it is not right to cheat, to make the other party suffer. Hence the conflict.

    In the child’s brain, it is either being like your mother, committed and suffering or like your father, not committed and not suffering.

    Could it be it?

    anita

    #173533
    DP
    Participant

    Anita,

    I think this is close to the conflict I feel. I would like to say that commitment is not the issue for me anymore, that my girlfriend has really helped me mature in this aspect and leave my demons behind. I love her and I honestly want and can see a future with her. So I don’t think it’s about choosing between committed and suffering/not committed and not suffering. I feel uncomfortable about her having been with other people and wonder if I may be making a mistake by not having done so myself because what if this discomfort I feel now turns into something nastier later, so much so that I’m not able to continue with her and just throw away years of hardwork somewhere down the line in our relationship. I want to be able to move past this, and not left wondering whether if it would’ve been easier for me if I’d been with other people as well.

    #173539
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear DP:

    You are caught up in your nagging dilemma, as if obsessed. It is like an obsession, a recurring thought dipped in fear, almost panic: what if it gets worse, what if it destroys the relationship.

    If a nagging thought, an obsession, is containable, manageable, then you can continue to function well while it is there. It is not necessary that you attend to it. If it is intense and ongoing, it is insisting on you attending to it.

    You wrote that what I described is close to the conflict you feel: think of yourself as the child that you were, living at home with your mother while your father was away: was she the suffering party while he was not, and what about my last post is true to you?

    anita

    #173543
    DP
    Participant

    What resonated with me about your post is that I know and understand the concept of monogamous relationships, I see people around me in them and I see them happy. But i feel they’re happy because they’ve experienced things in life. I feel they’re comfortable with the choice they’ve made and the sense of finality attached to it because they’ve seen and experienced the different things. It’s not about x number of people, it’s about not just one. It’s like I’m on The Price is Right and I’ve made my decision on the first even before I’ve seen what’s behind the other doors. And my girlfriend has seen the other doors and she knows that this is what’s right for her, that this is what she chooses. I’ve never had and will not have enough information to go on and feel like I’ve made an informed decision. I feel if she hadn’t hooked up, I would’ve been fine with her being the only person I’ve been with even though I wouldn’t have been the only person she’s been with because the fact she was with someone before me never ever bothered me.

    #173547
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear DP:

    Obsessed you are, so much so that you are not available to focus on my posts to you. You keep repeating your thought.

    Examining the thought itself, notice the following, if you will:

    You wrote: “I’ve never had and will not have enough information to go on and feel like I’ve made an informed decision” – how many women and what kinds of relationships with those women would constitute “enough information”. The two hook ups may not be enough information for your girlfriend especially since she didn’t know those men well.

    What kind of information are you looking for, in experiences with other women, in hookups? In superficial, physical experiences with other women you can experience a difference in body parts, is that what you are looking for, will that be enough information?

    What information did she get from her hookups with the two guys- what if you asked her just that. If more information is your concern, ask her what information did she get from those hookups that helped her realize you are the one?

    anita

     

     

    #173555
    DP
    Participant

    Anita,

    I feel my posts are somehow offending you. If that is the case then I’m sorry for whatever language or view may have caused that. I am repeating my thought only so I can be sure i have communicated it clear enough which I feel I’m unable to. It is not about how many partners I have or the nature of relationship I have with them. The fact that she’s been with other people and I have not, makes me feel somehow inadequate and I do not know how to explain to you how exactly it makes me feel inadequate or feel its unfair. I don’t know what ‘information’ I mean, the last part of my previous post was just my best attempt to explain what I feel in my head.

    #173559
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear DP:

    No, you are not offending me. It is distressing somewhat (but I am still willing) to communicate with a person obsessed because my messages are not considered. Isn’t it so that your girlfriend’s input regarding what troubles you did not resolve your trouble, just like my input does not?

    The thought itself, the one you repeat, is quite senseless and I challenged it as senseless in my last post to you. Thing is, your feelings are not senseless. There is some valid, important information behind your trouble, what I call, obsession.

    I think that the reason you have trouble to successfully “explain what I feel in my head”- is that the important, valid information is in your heart, not in your head.

    You wrote above that you feel inadequate- this may be that valid information of the heart, what I was referring to right above. Would you like to examine your feeling of being inadequate? If so, let me know.

    anita

    #173583
    DP
    Participant

    It’s true, my girlfriend’s input on the situation hasn’t helped my case at all. After all the discussions, she suggests I take a break to figure out things and decide what I really want.

    I wish I could elaborate further on the inadequate part but unfortunately this is where I draw a blank. It can be best summed up as inadequate and I’m unable to describe why or how exactly it makes me feel inadequate

    #173589
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear DP:

    I will soon take a 17 hours or so break from the computer. I think a lot of insight is to be gained by looking into how you felt watching your mother suffer.

    If you are able and willing, let go for a moment of the specific thing that troubles you so and relax best you can, then post with your memories of how you felt then and now, in relationship with your mother: how you felt watching her suffer, what you did to make her happy, what success you had, if any? Is she still suffering…?

    anita

    #173595
    Peter
    Participant

    “At the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.” – T. S. Eliot quotes .

    I was hoping that just maybe you would be able to avoid the exploration of the past and realize that you are already home.  (isn’t that what ended up happening after your break? You discovered that together you were home? … Yet something remains undone…)

    On the face of it, it ought to be as easy as saying yes to the past as it was and move forward into the present. Instead letting go becomes  a difficult process to work though… we work for that which no work is required.

    I very much relate to what your saying DP. When we become fixated on a thought or memory/past it can become a habit that we can’t look away from and so demands healing in the present.

    We are broken and a function of relationships is to heal ourselves. In your situation because you can’t yet take your eyes off the “wall” (that you are afraid of crashing into) there is something that you have yet to learn so you may need to understand how the past is in the present and what to do about it.  Really do recommend the book ‘When the past is in the Present’

    Other questions you may want to consider. Why can’t you take your eyes off the “wall”?  Are you afraid of being happy? Do you have a tendency to work against the things you want? Is their a past hurt your trying to heal… are you trying to push your partner away while at the same time hoping that they won’t go… recreating a past hurt in the hopes of healing it now?

    #173713
    Peter
    Participant

    To clarify when I mentioned the practice.  I was talking about something that we work on in the moment and not only when we set time aside and meditate. Mediation is where we practice the practice while practice is an intention we set in each moment we experience.

    When you become aware of your consciousness becoming fixated on the past, memory, fear, wall…. you pull it back, create space, breathe and see it for what it is, the past that does not need to have any influence on the present.

    “We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality”. -Seneca

    #174277
    DP
    Participant

    Anita,

    I was unwell for a couple of days and therefore didn’t get around to answering your post.

    I don’t remember specific ways my mother suffered. I know was sad a lot, and I remember I never liked it. But apart from that all I remember is being careful about never letting her know I miss dad. Infact, beyond a point I feel this became my reality and I became very well versed with blocking of emotions/thoughts I didn’t want anyone else to know or I myself didn’t want to discuss with people.

    Once again, I don’t remember any specifics about what I did to make her feel better except just generally helping her around with the chores and making sure I’m not a nuisance to her.

    I won’t say she’s suffering still. She’s just closed that chapter of her life and moved on. As far as i know, she’s never tried dating again and is just content with her life this way

    #174279
    DP
    Participant

    Peter

    I myself do not know why I’m unable to tear my eyes away from the said ‘wall’. That’s why I’m here, to understand why this is affecting me so much and why I can’t shut off my eyes to it and move on without it tearing my relationship apart.

    Also I do not understand what you mean by trying to recreate a past hurt. Could you elaborate?

    #174371
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear DP:

    I am re-reading your posts on this thread in the effort of understanding better. I will quote and comment as I re-read.

    You wrote: “we decided to get back together and leave our toxic pasts behind”- if only it was that easy to “leave our toxic past behind”- it is recorded in the brain, with emotions keeping the dry memories “wet”, that is easily activated in the present.

    You wrote: ” The fact that she was with someone else hurts and the fact that I haven’t been with anyone else makes me feel inadequate. I just feel helpless and trapped.”- this is an activation of past experience, not only of your past experience with an ex girlfriend, but your past experience, I believe, in the context of your emotions and relationships, as a child, with your mother and father. You feel helpless and trapped like you felt then, reads to me.

    You wrote: “My father was unfaithful…he’s walked out on us quite a few times and disappeared for months together”. In your most recent post to me you wrote: “I remember is being careful about never letting her (your mother)  know I miss dad… I became very well versed with blocking of emotions/thoughts I didn’t want anyone else to know or I myself”-

    You missed your father. You believed you shouldn’t miss him, or  that your mother shouldn’t find out that you missed him because that will increase her suffering. This is a mixed loyalty kind of a situation, I am thinking: on one hand you miss your father, maybe wanting to be like him. Boys do want to be like their dads. (the sentiment being something like: I want to be just like my dad when I grow up!).

    Maybe your current obsession is that desire to be like your dad, to have those extra marital, or outside-the-relationship experiences, vs. your concern about hurting your mother by being like your father.

    What do you think?

    anita

     

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 34 total)

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