Kate,

I’m sorry for the difficulty and emotional painfulness you’re experiencing in this moment, and know how some of the difficult questions you’re asking and situations you’re in can be disorienting. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

The first is be patient with yourself. Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance of how to find our balance. We’re born with a few instincts, but the rest we have to stumble and bumble and scrape and slide as we find inner stability. This is normal and usual, and it takes time to grow the roots of our wisdom deep. It is like a flower that grows upward toward the sun, pushing through layers of rock and soil, and it is only with time and space that the petals unfold. So be gentle, patient with yourself, it helps a lot.

Next, it seems that there is a false notion of permanence that your mind slides into as it becomes afraid. For instance, you arrive at a new college, and notice that you are alone, isolated, unknown. The fear arises that this new place is permanent, just now “what is”. So, instead of saying “hmm, who might I connect with” as though standing in front of a beautiful buffet of potential friends and interesting spirits, something else arises. Perhaps “I’m unworthy of connection” or “I can’t connect” or even just “this feels icky, where’s some beer/food/air to be found” or whatnot.

Which is fine, natural… yet makes sense why it would create a flip flop of emotions. As the feeling of permanence arises in the state of mind, and it is also unpleasant, your want of balance perhaps flips from suppression (wanting to see it as pleasant) to expression (wild emotions). Either is fine, but both carry a cost. Instead what we can do is realize it is impermanent… the isolating feeling only stays as long as you don’t try to connect/make connections, for instance. Or, the confusion with the boyfriend only arises until you ask him the question that is cycling at the center of the maze. They arise, they fade. We get hungry, we eat. We get tired, we sleep. Very natural and usual.

To help stabilize your emotions, you could also take up a metta practice. Sharon Salzberg has a metta meditation on YouTube that seems like it would strike you well. Metta is a feeling of warmth and kindness for others, which helps our mind and emotions to become smooth and peaceful. In my opinion, if our body feels emotional hunger, metta is the best food. This lets us settle our emotional needs from within, as we connect to ourselves and love ourselves… the dancing we do with others is just icing on the cake.

Namaste, may you find your path of love and light, dear sister.

With warmth,
Matt

Hi Kate

I understand what you going through, I too have experienced many cases of anxiety and feeling alone. When I was young I was brought up in a traditional house hold and told that I have to get a good education to get a good job and earn lots of money etc. but as I got older I started realizing that there is a lot more to life than just fitting in to society. So my whole perception on life has changed and I know now there is a greater purpose in life. I started analyzing everything that I did and tried to find meaning in everything, but most of the time I would find nothing. And so my anxiety started, I never really felt like I fitted into a group and could never really connect with my friends as they do not think the same way I do, they are happy living in their bubbles where I am not. I have also found myself becoming more frustrated with things and I lose my cool for almost nothing, some days I have a clear mind but most days my head is like a thunder storm.

I can sense that you are a deep thinker like me and that you analyze everything, there is nothing wrong with that, the fact that you have become introverted is a sign that you have become self aware and that you are starting to see the greater picture and yes that is a lot to take in and yes it is normal to feel anxious and discontent, your mind is going through changes and realizations. We are affected by our surroundings and people around us, we are different and there is nothing wrong with that, don’t be so hard on yourself you are unique and special, don’t take that thought away. My advice to you is you need to find a place that makes you feel happy and go there as much as you can this will help bring on feel-good emotions. Next step is go to a place that has unfamiliar surroundings (so you can’t get distracted) take a pen and paper and right down the first thing that comes to mind, fear, hate, anxiety, financial, study related, whatever it is and take a few minutes and ask yourself can it be solved or is it out of your control? If it is out of your control then move on to the next thought by telling yourself that it is out of your control it will help you stop trying to solve something you can’t and that could help alleviate some anxiety. If it is however within your control don’t try and solve it that instant rather give yourself a timeline to solve it and move on to the next thought. If you find yourself getting caught up on negative thoughts look around you and focus on something in the area, for instance if you see a white wall tell yourself the wall is white, the mind cannot focus on more than one thing and so distracting you from the other thoughts.This has helped me and it might do the same for you.

Just remember, you are special and unique and be glad being who you are and being different from the rest of the people, and find places that make you feel good and go there often, once you start feeling more good than bad the rest will start falling into place.

Warm Regards
Jacques