Libery,

Thank you for opening up and sharing your heart. Sometimes this in itself is a release of pain and a beginning on a journey of healing. I am calling it journey because that is what it is. Sometimes we can heal quickly but often after an emotional blow it takes time, patience, and strong heart. First, I would say give yourself a little time to grieve fully. At this time, because I am myself going through some growth, my energy is not such that I can offer much more in terms of words. Your story spoke to me because I could identify with many aspects of it. Rest in knowing for now that you are heard, you are important, and you are not alone. Others who go through pain come out of it on the other side much stronger, and with renewed happiness and vitality in life. There is nothing that is permanent in life, not joy and neither pain.

I am certain you will get more voices singing with my small message. Keep your heart open and many wonderous things will flow in.

With light and warmth,
Helen

Libertymojo,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how dark and hopeless life becomes when our loved one leaves us. Sometimes when we invest all of ourselves into a relationship, we lose sight of who we are, where we are, and forget how to find happiness alone. Our partner becomes a beacon of all that is good, and if death or disinterest takes them, the ground falls out of our world. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that sometimes when the outside looks pristine, the inner garbage looks even scarier. Yes, you’re a doctor, supposedly a beacon of well being and rock for the community. Yet, inside you are a screwed up mess. Sure, you may recognize the commonality between yourself and other grieving people, but it surely feels like your pain is unmanageable. That “unworkable” feeling to your grief is tied into the exhaustion you feel from putting on a mask and doing rounds with a smile. Your pain is clearly intense, and you’re right… it is the same pain, the same spinning as billions of others have experienced.

That being said, it seems that the pain is great enough that you’re eternalizing it… as though your grief will be never ending. Don’t despair, dear friend, grief does that to us. You’ve loved and been hurt, and now have to pick up the pieces. And, often when we are well learned in illness and healing, we think we should somehow be above it, better than it… as a doctor not being sick, a psychologist enlightened. This places an additional burden on our shoulders, because along with the pain, we struggle to validate that pain.

Healing the heart takes time and space, and it is our sacred duty to give both. Said differently, because you’re grieving, its important that you engage in self nurturing activities. Take a bath, go for a run, listen to soft music, or whatever it is that helps provide space to your mind and heart. For instance, your mind jumps and bucks as emotions surge through you. At the office, you have to clamp those down in order to focus on the well being of others. On a run, however, yes there are tears, and the feet keep moving. Yes there are thoughts of isolation, betrayal, confusion, and the feet keep moving. When we give ourselves space in such ways, and let our mind and body go through the process, it becomes simpler. It is still painful, there are still tears, but there isn’t a need to fight them, crush them, or keep them. They arise and they fade. The thoughts come, hurt, and go. No need to do anything with them, not a good time for long term planning, not a good time to “figure it all out”. There is pain, it hurts, and settles a little bit with each breath you give it.

The other questions, such as “will I love again” or “job I hate” or “how could this happen” are best left for later, when the pain is settled. I’m sure you’ve seen it before, where someone is in pain and they thrash about, requiring help (orderlies, nurses, narcotics) to help them become still enough to approach the actual wound. Grief is the same… it pushes the mind to thrash and moan, and it is in the self nurturing, the gentleness and patience we intentionally give to ourselves that helps us open up and look at the experience with curiosity, which is the condition for receiving grace.

Finally, don’t wait for the inspiration, do it anyway. Said differently, “I could self nurture now, but meh, I don’t feel like it.” Yes, perhaps not. Medication can often taste bitter, unwanted, but it is important nonetheless. Much like a patient of yours that says “I’ll take the medicine when I feel up to it” would perhaps seem immediately ironic. The mind and heart are the same, they don’t feel up to it, but we jump, find our way of hugging ourselves, waking ourselves, settling ourselves. If we wait until we feel inspired again, grief takes much longer… and often turns inward on itself, becoming lamentation. This can be compared to a wound that becomes gangrenous because vital nutrients don’t get to the cells. Self nurturing is the nourishment that grief needs to heal, and it is up to you and your tender care to see it through.

Namaste, friend, may your tears be vibrant.

With warmth,
Matt

Libertymojo,

I’m glad you found the courage to open up… often that fear of being judged is even heavier than the tangle itself. As for your apology/clarifications… you didn’t come across as egoic “Dr=good catch” as I read your words. Your humility and hope were clear shining. If anything, it seems as though you fall the other way, where you’re uncomfortable with just what a blessing you are to your community. Not just in your skill as a doc, but in your commitment to the health of others. Also, it would also be fine if you threw out whatever shame you feel for needing help, we all do from time to time… even the strongest of us.

With warmth,
Matt

I hope you dont mind me speaking , but i felt compelled to….I have no words of wisdom to impart i am afraid, i am new to this community too.. all i wanted to say was you did not come across as egotistic or any of them things… Your words held pain and a truth that you have said needed to be written to be seen.. I see a good heart and a soul in distress… i truly hope that you can find a way through this and that these lovely people on here can soothe your ills… Take care and try to be a bit easier on yourself..
Sarah

Dr Mojo !
I feel compelled to reply.. its uncanny.. but I went through the exact same thing.. no kidding.. Doctor, dated for 3 yrs, long term for 2 yrs, took flights across the country, sometimes to spend hours, placed her on a pedestal, all set to get a ring, and then found out she d been unfaithful. Completely broken, pain, crying, crying some more, falling apart at work, talking to my floor Social worker and to colleagues and staff about being single (and more than my share of “doctor= good catch” )Now 4 months later, Its better. Won’t lie to you, its not completely healed and i still have my issues, but its a lot better.
One thing I promise you is the impermanence of this situation, it will feel better in time. Take it easy on yourself, And I would follow Matt’s Rx (it works !!), self consideration, Gym Yoga and meditation. Everything else comes second right now.
Another is, It ll make you a better physician, somehow this cracks open your heart ( which had , I admit, become hard from the YEARS of cynicism during training) and the patients relate to you more. Its happened with me for sure. And honestly it feels good to help people.
One thing which sucks even till now is I had no social circle due to the traveling, and now am stuck. One thing I am consciously trying to do is make more single, non medical friends to expand my horizons, eventually may meet someone interesting, who knows. But now I float more, swim less and its worked well till now.
I hope you take good care of yourself brother, and find a better job soon ( I am job hunting too, isn’t that weird 🙂
B

Dearest Liberty:

I totally relate to your pain as I am going through it myself. You are not alone and not the first or last person to feel this terrible anguish. One of the things I’m finding is that people are sympathetic initially but eventually they don’t really want to hear about it any longer, it’s old news to them and they can’t understand why you just can’t suck it up, move on, or deal with it internally without boring them with yet another teary, whine session. Not everyone reacts that way but many do. I understand it, but when your pain is still so vivid you still need to talk and get those emotions out. That’s why forums like this can be helpful and I’m glad you found us. Many people here are, or have recently been, where you and I are right now — and I find it incredibly comforting. Much of the advice here is excellent, and I personally have found Matt’s posts to be very insightful and inspiring.

Don’t ever feel weak because of your difficulty dealing with the pain (I understand that feeling as well). I work with med students and residents and every last one of them is human with their own struggles. This experience will make you a better person and better physician. When you start coming out the other side of this you will notice signs of the new level of understanding and empathy you have for others, notably your patients.

I am struggling just as you are, and some days it’s hard to find he strength and keep the faith that it will get better. I know from dealing with this in the past that it does, indeed, get better so I’m holding onto that for dear life. My heart goes out to you and I send you healing energy. Employ every tactic recommended to you and never give up.

Blessings,

Catherine