Forum Replies Created
February 16, 2014 at 5:32 am #51086
Well I’d say sharing is part of intimacy and some people are just naturally open. Some of the best people I know are extremely open people, I think it’s great and I try to be like that too. Of course there is a limit to how much you can tell someone you don’t know yet, but sometimes you do just click and feel that you can share a lot.
I also know somebody that shares a bit too much and I sometimes worry somebody might take advantage of her because of that, but at the same time she’s also one of the best people I know precisely because of that same level of over-sharing.
But we can’t really be constantly afraid of what “evil” men or women might do to ruin our life, so I suppose be careful but be yourself is the moral of the story.February 15, 2014 at 10:33 pm #51081
It’s worth pointing out that you don’t really _know_ that that’s how he lives his life. Nobody is completely free from insecurities, rules or fears and nobody is perfect. Also “cool” isn’t in the content but in the execution, it’s a skill, a good storyteller can make a boring day at the office sound exciting. Picking up girls and telling stories of his adventures is quite possibly his own insecurities showing through, perhaps it’s the only way he knows how to build up his confidence.
It’s not really something you have to keep in mind all the time, but it’s good to break things down and see them for what they are when we’re stuck in a loop inside our own heads.February 15, 2014 at 5:49 pm #51074
You were a kid once and now you’re an adult. Would you say that you were “not right” back when you were a kid?
Just because you’re growing and improving doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” with the current you.
Also you can’t be responsible for everything bad that happens, that’s clearly impossible and take everything you read with a grain of salt since it’s your own personal journey in the end.February 15, 2014 at 6:00 am #51052
I’ve felt that way before, but I’ve come to the conclusion that that feeling isn’t actually love, it’s not lust either though. It’s closest to falling in love with your imagination of falling in love.
I think it’s basically your imagination getting the better of you, reality is rarely how we imagine things to be. You can’t actually know if you’re in love until you get to know her, you can’t actually know if she’s ignoring you until you try to talk to her and you can’t really know how anything will turn out until you try something. That’s reality, there’s no way of getting around it.
Also it’s not that you can’t handle your emotions; emotions are difficult to handle, it actually takes practice and even training to handle emotions! It’s probably not something you should care about at 15 though, but if you want to be progressive for your age then thinking about life in general or taking up meditation could save you the trouble later. Because if TinyBuddha is any indication, you can still face the same issues 5, 10 or even 30 years from now. Probably no point in waiting for them to hit you in the face when you’re 50. =]
Something I’ve heard and found out for myself that helps is trying to balance everything, if you think something is amazing try to find flaws. If you think somebody is beautiful look for things that make them ugly. It’s not so much about “killing emotions”, the person is obviously still beautiful in a lot of ways, but that’s no longer the _only_ thing you see, which forces you to see the reality instead of just what you want to see, which helps manage the emotions evoked through our imagination of how we think things are.
Works the other way around too, if at first glance we think something is awful, look for things that make it interesting. Balancing things out in this way balances out the emotions and then you can tackle reality with a clear head and make better decisions.
It all still takes practice, I’m far from perfect at managing my emotions, but I’m probably a lot better at it than a year ago before I thought about any of this. So it helps, with time and practice.February 14, 2014 at 11:43 pm #51045
I don’t think it’s that much to ask that the other person show their interest in you at least a little bit. I’ve recently realised that it’s really easy to tell when somebody is just being friendly but doesn’t want to be friends, they don’t really ask you anything or show any interest and you have to do all the initialising.
Of course some people are just not good conversationalists, but usually even the most introverted people give a tiny bit of feedback. If you get completely nothing for a while then it becomes sadly obvious that friendship is just not happening, even if the conversations themselves are alright.February 14, 2014 at 10:28 pm #51038
I apologise if I sounded judgemental, I was aiming for neutral, I don’t really have a stance on casual flings one way or the other.
My point was that he was charming because of his stories and worldliness, it sounds like that difference is what caused the attraction from the get-go, you might have even put him on a pedestal without noticing. So it’s not surprising that that difference is also what caused the disconnection later when it became more obvious.February 14, 2014 at 8:58 pm #51031
You went and slept with someone you didn’t really have anything in common with, so you feel disconnected / intimidated.
Not really sure what’s confusing here.
Sounds like you only had sex with him in the first place because of his perceived stature, so you got what you thought you wanted.February 9, 2014 at 3:54 am #50569
Just felt like clarifying that in my comment I didn’t mean anybody should actively try and hurt back; just that you shouldn’t beat yourself up for giving an honest, straight answer.February 7, 2014 at 10:57 pm #50538
I don’t agree with Misty, there’s a difference between getting to know somebody as a person, playful flirting and just acting like a douchebag or slut (yes it goes for both genders).
Also I don’t understand the whole idea of “hitting on” women, if the person is only looking for sex then why do you feel the need to even care about “hurting” their feelings with your response?
In my opinion it has nothing to do with “women” power or “men” power; some people just have no manners and don’t act civilised, you don’t have to pretend not to be offended.
If that guy is shocked because you don’t want to get to know somebody that is only interested in you because you’re available then that’s his problem! Tell him that’s not the only reason to meet people and that he needs to work on his social skills.February 7, 2014 at 10:27 pm #50537
I can say I’m in a similar situation, although I’m a guy, I’ve felt like you at times, but more or less have gotten past that stage. Even though I still haven’t found a relationship, I’m happily looking for one and not feeling envious of anyone anymore.
The reason for that is that those thoughts you are having are not reality, it’s as simple (or difficult) as realising that.
In truth different things attract different people. We really overestimate how much certain things matter, for example in the looks department. “Prettier” is a matter of opinion; you might think somebody is the pinnacle of beauty and another person will think her nose is too big / small, lips thin / thick, eyes not interesting enough, hair colour wrong etc.. etc…
Also if you keep believing that the only thing (decent) guys care about is looks, you’re going to be miserable for a very long time, even if you’re a super model. It’s doubtful anybody worth attracting is going to want to be in a relationship with somebody that boils their entire personality down to just what can be seen in the mirror! Think about it!
You’re not going to feel very good about yourself when the only reason your boyfriend is hanging around is because he likes your face or big breasts, make sense? Don’t even bother comparing yourself to other people.
Just meet new people, some will be attracted to you and some will not, everybody will have their own reasons. Hang around people because you find them interesting and because it’s fun, see what happens from there.
I know from experience this is sometimes easier said than done, but just work on it and eventually it’ll just be your nature, the way you’re thinking right now won’t make you happy even after you find a relationship, it won’t be what you want because it won’t be for the right reasons.February 1, 2014 at 7:52 am #50120
Perhaps set a direction rather than a 100% certain goal. You know approximately where your dream is, you turn your boat towards it and go with the flow.February 1, 2014 at 2:45 am #50106
That’s fine but realistically unless she wants the help there’s nothing you can do. You can’t force happiness, we have to want it and work towards it ourselves. So until she decides on that and wants your help you are unfortunately not needed.
Another way to look at it is that when she tries to hurt you she also hurts yourself; distancing yourself so that she has no reason to lash out is doing her a favour as much as yourself. Basically you’re providing her the opportunity to hurt herself (by hurting you) by not leaving well enough alone.
And I’ll just repeat for emphasis: I believe you can’t force somebody to be happy, you can’t shove love down their throat, happiness is an internal struggle that we have to do for ourselves. The best you can do is be as compassionate with her as anybody else.January 31, 2014 at 11:48 pm #50103
She sounds like an unhappy person and there’s nothing you can do about that, you can only control your own actions and she will have to deal with her own issues one day. Don’t fight her for answers or try and prove something, just be compassionate and realise she is most probably a mess inside, outside appearances don’t matter. It’s easier to move on and protect yourself when coming from a place of understanding.January 31, 2014 at 8:59 pm #50099
I would go as far as to say that not only is it conquerable but it has the chance to make you a stronger, more compassionate and interesting human being. There’s no light without some darkness and we take way too many things for granted until something awful happens.
This doesn’t just go for depression but really for any sort of struggle you might encounter.January 31, 2014 at 4:57 am #50069
PS: Regarding meditation, it’s not really something you “do for a while” and then get well, it takes time and needs to be done properly. Whenever I neglect my meditations I feel myself slipping a bit, my mind becomes more chaotic and unreasonable. But even if it’s 20 minutes, twice a day, it’s something you have to do every day.
I did a lot of analytical meditation, analysing everything about my thoughts and really thinking deeply about the good and the bad and really trying to direct them to a better path. I really fought my mind and criticised and thought things through until I was happy with my outcomes.
Also did metta, which was quite helpful in stopping all the sad thoughts and seeing the world in a better light.
And finally I do mindfulness most days, because that’s what helps me personally the most; if I don’t do it for a while my brain tends to get very chaotic. Mindfulness is really what keeps things steady for me. It’s just too easy to get absorbed in thought, especially my brain I find gets very hyperactive, it always needs to think, think, think! And if it has nothing productive to think about, it starts thinking itself into oblivion.
And I should probably do a lot more of all of this than I am now, hehe. I did get a bit lazy recently and my mood hasn’t been as good. But at least I know what I need to do. =]
I wish you success in finding what works for you. =]