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Self optimization causing self degradation

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  • #51054
    Vera
    Participant

    Hey hey,

    this is my first time here, so hello to everyone! 🙂

    In the past three years and even more in the last three months I am reading and trying out more and more practices for, as I will call it here now to make my point, self-optimization. As much as I love the inspiration that different articles and practices, websites and people gave and give me sometimes it also depresses me. Because the core of all this is this: You need to work on yourself. No? And that means that I am not right as I am. And also, that I am responsible for everything that is bad in my life. Thinking that I am the one who is doing that and who needs to change to get happier is putting much pressure on me and sometimes makes me feel even more that I am somehow wrong because I can’t seem to do it. Understanding how things work doesn’t mean to be able to change them.

    Does anyone know what I mean? I guess there is a twisted thought in there that I overlook but somehow I feel like all this longing for self optimization is in fact producing self degradation.
    Somewhere in my gut there is something saying that I need to learn to be patient and loving with myself to overcome this. And there it is again, I need to learn. I have to get better to get better. I am the one to blame.

    It feels like a circle.

    I’m interested in your thoughts!
    Thank you and all best!

    #51074
    memm
    Participant

    You were a kid once and now you’re an adult. Would you say that you were “not right” back when you were a kid?

    Just because you’re growing and improving doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” with the current you.

    Also you can’t be responsible for everything bad that happens, that’s clearly impossible and take everything you read with a grain of salt since it’s your own personal journey in the end.

    #51082
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hello Vera!

    I understand what you’re saying and have felt something similar. My view on myself is almost a bit schizophrenic, to be honest, but it helps me to see my own part in things more clearly 🙂 I see the ego as the different roles that I take when facing the world. The things that I say to myself and to others. How I rationalize this world to myself and others. Like what you are doing now, in the same time telling yourself that you need to be better, but then resenting the idea that you need to be better.

    I went through something that completely shattered my ego. I know others have gone through similar things, and probably also in situations that were very stressful. This makes it kind of difficult to help others, because I don’t want to tell you that you need to run into a problem so big that you can’t cope anymore. In any case, this rationalizing part of me just simply “shattered” and all that was left was me looking at the world without it, feeling completely exposed and vulnerable. And guess what? It was brilliant and amazing and I realized that I didn’t die, even though I didn’t have this part of me “protecting me” and making sense of things. Everything made sense even without rationalizing.

    After that I started to see myself as a spiritual being, who is just great and fine as she is. The ego did grow back, but I am much more wary of it now. Once you’ve seen the world through the eyes of non-judgment and unconditional love, you know that when that impatient, judgmental and defensive voice arises within, it’s not the complete truth. It’s just an obsolete protection system developed by the brain. OK, everything I experience happens in the brain, but it is easier to comprehend it in a more poetic fashion.

    So, the you, the real you, your body, heart, spirit, are loveable and great just as they are right in this minute. You are loved as you are. It’s that other part that one needs to be wary of and take control over. For example, if you feel afraid and your reaction to it is to say something mean to another person, you know that it would be better to tend to your fear in another way. Imagine being protective of yourself in a more mature way.

    Does this make sense? It’s not about being more worthy, but about having a better understanding and control over yourself. And by control I don’t mean suppressing anything. Just managing things better. Stepping back a bit and seeing things in a neutral way and comforting that one part that feels lost and scared and being firm with the other part that wants things right here, right now, and so on.

    That’s how I do it and that’s how I’m able to see myself as completely loveable and worthy, but also knowing that I do cause problems for myself and that I’m responsible for the problems that I have. Please note that I did not say that I’m responsible for all the bad things that happen to me. Just the ongoing problems, bitterness and so on.

    #51092
    Matt
    Participant

    Vera,

    In addition to The Ruminant’s heartfelt offering, consider that genuine resting happens when we give up the notion of being perfect. What are you chasing? What is he pain inside that makes it feel like you aren’t good enough here and now?

    The crap here, there and everywhere in articles, self help blibberty blab and so forth do help nourish our tender shoots, providing conditions for us to blossom. But there is beauty in the seed. There is beauty in the tender growing. There is beauty in the bud. There is beauty in the blossom. Not a pushing drive to blossom, not beauty at the end of some path, some idea or notion that frees us. Beauty in accepting our garden is not quite what we want to see, so we sit down and play in the dirt, play in the flower bed. The path of joy is about self discovery, adventure, curiosity.

    For instance, consider hunger. When you haven’t eaten in awhile, you get hungry. Does it occur to you that perhaps you should just “be OK” with the hunger? That its calling you to eat is somehow “not being OK” with who you really are, where you really are? Of course not! You get hungry, you eat. Easy-peasey. The spiritual quest is the same. Being OK “as is” includes accepting we have no clue what the heck we’re doing, so changing and growing and learning. Not to escape our “ugly” ignorance… but because you want to grow. That’s enough, that’s plenty. Not “is this hunger OK or not OK” just hunger, and food. Just the desire to grow, and growing. That’s when we can feel patience, understand calm abiding, and let our light blossom.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #51099
    Alpal
    Participant

    Hello Vera,
    Yes I really understand what you mean ! All this new stuff and theories that are coming out that keep saying that we are responsible for everything , makes you feel pressured because you have so much to deal with and to be optimistic all the time ! It is exhausting ! I think you just need to go easy on yourself, I personally believe that you can send out strong signals that may bring you bad things, but sometimes things happen! And you have to deal with it , what you are responsible for is the way you react to it. Anyways , when it comes to not being right now , that is not what it is, we all grow and change , learn and understand new things that is the beauty of life! The journey we have in creating ourselves and making ourselves better and stronger and change the way we think so we can be happy. It is not so much changing yourself as it is just changing the way you control your thoughts, you are just focusing on the better side of you not a different you!
    Hope I helped

    #51100
    Vera
    Participant

    Hey you,

    thank you so much for your nice and warm answers. I enjoyed reading them – but I have to admit it didn’t click yet. But I don’t know how to make my point more clear – or maybe understand your points more clearly.
    If I take the hunger example: I like that easy comparison. Only, if I am feeling bad it is not that I do something and I feel good. It is not like eating something and then everything is gone. It is as if I am eating and I am still hungry and I am blaming myself for not being not hungry.

    I can give an example. I am very indecisive. Some days worse than others. And then I just don’t feel right because I am causing others complications or make them wait (basically that) and also because I am making it so much harder for myself. It is not a good feeling to not know what you want – and I mean from what I want to wear to what I want to eat to if I want to go to watch a movie or dance or stay home or or or. I don’t mean big decisions, I mean the small ones that we take everyday and that can slow you down very much if you have to think about each one very long…. And then I think that somehow every other person seems to be able to chose what they want so there is clearly some twist in my head. Or the twist is not to be ok with being indecisive. It doesn’t matter because in the end it means that I could change me to be happier by changing my attitude. And yet I can’t. So I fail and am responsible for having a bad day.

    I don’t know if this is something different or more clear than what I wrote before. I am really thankful for your answers, perhaps I’ll just let them sink in a bit : )

    All best,
    Vera

    #51101
    Vera
    Participant

    Hm, I just thought very simple: it is this feeling of being responsible for (making) yourself feeling bad. That is hard to take without thinking bad about myself. Maybe only for me. Maybe I need to work on that 😀

    #51106
    Matt
    Participant

    Vera,

    When we eat, the body stops feeling hunger. However, when we’re low on self knowing, perhaps we dont feel the hunger as hunger. So we try to do some laundry. Still hungry. Go to the bathroom. Still hungry. Perhaps you’re not addressing your needs? Do you spend time being kind and gentle to yourself?

    Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance of how to find balance and joy. So, not knowing what we’re hungry for is something we just have to accept and explore. We only get a few instincts, and the rest we learn from our parents and teachers… who often don’t know how to find balance in their own body, or teach it. So we do the best we can, try to grow a loving garden for ourselves, help others with theirs’, and learn who we are along the way.

    Consider you might be feeling a restlessness to find home, be peaceful. Consider doing metta meditation. Metta is the feeling of warm friendship that glows in the chest area. Buddha taught that metta helps concentration grow quickly, which leads to a smooth, peaceful and fluid mind. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested.

    Finally, consider that sometimes we seek answers because we wish to grow a new identity. Chogyam Trungpa exposed this flawed behavior in “Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism”. Learning and knowing isn’t as joyous and learning and doing. So, instead of hopping around for the solutions that seem best, we give what we learn some real effort and see what happens. Then we know, but also gain confidence, wisdom, and discernment. Said differently, when you identify a hunger, you’ll know you’ve met it when it stops. Often its metta, but don’t be afraid to go play… sometimes we just need to rekindle our playfulness, our laughter. This “what does it all mean” can seem very serious, and many teachers say “uh-uh… be playful, like children, then it will make more sense”. 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #51111
    Vera
    Participant

    Matt,

    thank you so much for your advice. I really enjoyed the image of someone doing the laundry when he or she is in fact hungry and wondering why it doesn’t work. And to get to my original problem: he or she doesn’t even do anything ‘wrong’, in fact his or her skills would be much wider than “just” eating (not that there’s anything wrong with eating), they are just applied inappropriately. Thank you, that helped me. And made me laugh.
    So yes, I guess it is about taking it all more like a journey and a game and FUN… In general I am all in for that. Just sometimes I doubt 🙂
    I will look into the Metta meditation!

    Thanks and good night,
    Vera

    #51159
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    I love the “learning and knowing isn’t as joyous as learning and doing”. It’s certainly true. I know I’ve been the victim of thinking that if I just know something, it’s enough. I’ve realized that it’s not. We actually have to practice what we’re preaching. It is really interesting to watch people who say all the “right” things about how one should live and then go and do the exact opposite 🙂 But I digress…

    Being indecisive sounds like lack of confidence in one’s abilities to make the right decision. You know what chips away from your confidence every time you do it? Telling yourself that you’re being bad for being indecisive. It’s certainly not going to help. When I talked about rationalizing everything, I mean the verbal talks we have in our minds. “You should do that, no perhaps you should do this, you’re going to fail if you do that…” It’s confusing and it’s pointless. When you take away those words, you’ll end up with going with your gut feeling and doing what feels right at that moment. If it ends up being the wrong choice, then you learn from it, but you don’t beat yourself up about it. None of us can know the future. And seriously, if it’s about choosing what clothes to wear, it’s not a case of life and death. In fact, you could practice with that scenario. Look at your choices and every time a voice pops in your head that starts to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do, just let go of it. Tell that voice “thanks, but I’ll try something different now”.

    I think we’re so used to the chit chat in our minds that we don’t even realize that it’s possible to just be and live without the constant chatter.

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