* didn’t reflect under Topics…

Dear Nikkole:

This is what I figure at this point, a plan I am suggesting to you:

1. Stay living with your father but keep your relationship with him to getting-along, as if he was an older roommate. He pays the rent and sometimes food; you don’t owe him anything for it because he owes you much more, for not being in your life, for not removing you from the war zone that damaged you,  and for saying  that “yeah, you are a drama queen” when you excitedly told him about being accepted to an Advanced Drama Class.

Keep your contact with your mother minimal. You don’t owe her anything at all, you don’t owe her time listening to her problems, not even one more minute of that. The more  you stay away from her, the  better  for you. She didn’t benefit at all herself, did she, from all the time you did spend with her, so why spend more time hurting yourself (and not benefiting her).

Do not  try to fix the relationships with either, and give up completely on your mother. If your father asks you a question regarding your dreams, desires, needs, feelings, then answer him. Then wait. If he asks you another question, answer that one. Then wait. Let him reach  out to you.  If he doesn’t, get along  with him as if he  was a roommate who owes you 18 years of rent and food.

2. You mentioned a significant other, if I remember correctly. Evaluate any and  all relationships  with others, see to it that there is no abuse, no disrespect, that all relationships you choose encourage you to be more of who you are, not less of who you are.

3. For now, keep the job at the  grocery store, experiment with working decorating cakes/ other non customer service tasks if  you get the chance. Regarding serving customers, work on doing it better. You can start with visualizing a situation  you encountered many  times, and  plan what to say and what to  do in that particular situation in the future. Sort of play  a video of the situation in your mind, then execute your role in it when time comes. Evaluate your success or lack of and make  changes in that video, execute again. This improvement-on-the-job may make a higher paying managerial position possible for you.

4. Take classes video editing (I am not familiar with the technology on the matter or how this is  taught) and in drama/ acting.

“Ever  since I was little I loved making videos, and editing them was  my  favorite part… growing up, I remember loving to sing, act, dance, playing outside, and making skits that we ..would perform”- it  is time to honor this little forgotten girl, young Nikkole. She is still within you, wanting  to be  and become. Let her.

In the future you may be able  to  combine both interests, drama and video editing, you may be a drama teacher. You may film and  edit  dramatic performances in various drama schools. You may have  your own school… I don’t know. You will find out along the way, these or other possibilities.

5. The difficulties: the moment of very soon after you decide on #4, the  assaults will begin. This “uneasy, underlying anxiety that always seems to be  in the background every second of ever day” is a reality that unfortunately is not going to change anytime soon.

“I do beat myself up about little things too, like missing a day of working out, or not being productive enough throughout the day… those argumentative thoughts.. are extremely  judgmental”- this is what I mean by the assaults. They will continue and will exhaust  you like before.

“I know that intellectually I am not less than anybody.. but I  can’t seem to  really convince myself that I really am enough”- as you embark on #4, if you do, the not-good-enough, and others-are-better-than-me assaults will continue.

(Do not share anything about #4, including the doubts/ assaults with the people who brought these assaults into your life, your parents).

There are ways to  tackle  these assaults and keep going. There are ways to quiet those down, to silence them, over time, if you persist with unbelievable amounts of patience and persistence and see it as a  very  long term goal.

6. I  don’t think going  back to nursing is a good idea nor is studying psychology for the purpose  of becoming a psychotherapist. Use all the effective psychological tools to  heal yourself (silencing those assaults, for one). When you are successful, then consider studying  to become a psychotherapist. The one and only quality therapist who helped me in my life was in his forties when he graduated.

anita

Dear Nikkole:

You are welcome and thank you for your words  of appreciation. Now that I have a pretty good understanding of you in the context of this thread, I figure it can be helpful that you post again and again, anytime you’d like, I can continue to listen to you,  understand more, and share my developing understanding with you.

Regarding “I  like to create things, be expressive, and imaginative. And maybe one day, I’ll finally let that side of me out again”- let this side of you out now. Not in an earth shattering way, that is, in a way that  will bring you wealth and fame, worldwide recognition… or even a recognition in your home or the place where you live. But in small ways. If you forget the recognition  part and the  idea that  your creativity needs to  mean financial security, then this creative part can come alive and surprise you with new motivation.

anita