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Unsure about my relationship

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  • July 15, 2018 at 8:07 am #216755
    Matt
    Participant

    Hello Anita!

    I remember my girlfriend actually telling me she wants me to “take control” and be assertive. It seems like she actually gets angry when I’m not assertive or when I make myself smaller than I really am. But once I’m there, a smaller version of myself, that anger she has towards me just makes me feel even smaller.
    Is this anger what you mean by her not encouraging me to be assertive?

    I’ll try to rewrite my last paragraph:
    I have some reoccurring negative thought-patterns about my self worth and feeling helpless, bored, lonely; it’s a little bit hard to describe that mental-place, but it’s the mental-place which comes when I’m at home and I start isolating myself.
    Often when I try to open up and share this with other people, it makes them withdraw, makes them insecure about themselves and sometimes angry as with my girlfriend. I guess this feeling that I’m getting at is a feeling of being isolated or connection-less or not good enough, and sometimes when I share it with others they’ve told me they feel like they’re not good enough for not knowing how to help me feel better. And my question was whether this negative thought-pattern is something I just need to “snap out of” or if it’s something that actually deserves to be validated by myself or others.
    Whenever I start feeling like this I just want to shy away from people in response to experiences having tried to share it in the past; my parents for instance, not knowing what to say to me or how to handle it, making me feel even worse and more lonely.
    I fee like this hurdle of negativity is something I need to get rid of in order to be loved or have a connection with people since the distance I feel towards people has grown when trying to share it.
    Was this more clear? It’s not 100% clear for me either, so that might be why it becomes unclear when I try to communicate it.

    July 15, 2018 at 11:04 am #216773
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Matt:

    I need to be away from the computer for about sixteen hours. I will read and reply to your recent post when I am back.

    Please be good to you.

    anita

    July 16, 2018 at 3:31 am #216813
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Matt:

    “Is this anger what you mean by her not encouraging me to be assertive?” – yes.

    “I make myself smaller than I really am”, you wrote. You do so because you are afraid. Making yourself smaller is communicating: please don’t hurt me!

    Expressing anger at a person so afraid is scaring the person even more. Think of a child who is very scared, shaking from fear. Do you go to that child, stand tall above him, angry face, and demand in a loud voice: don’t be afraid!?

    No, you go to his height level, relax your face so it has empathy registered on it, not anger, and in a soft voice say: it is okay. You are okay. Everything is fine. And you hold his hand, or gently hug him.

    Regarding your rewriting of that paragraph, you wrote that when you try to open up to people about feeling helpless, bored, lonely, they withdraw, and it “makes them insecure about themselves and sometimes angry as with my girlfriend” and “they feel like they’re not good enough for not knowing how to help me feel better”.

    My input at this point (let me know if it clarifies anything for you and I will reply further): I suppose your father may feel this way if and when you open up to him about these things because he himself is so scared, he makes himself small. So if you tell him that you are scared and you make yourself small, he may feel very badly because he modeled to you this behavior, and he is very aware of how painful it is to live this way. So better not open up to him. He can’t help you, so what would be the use.

    When you share the same with your girlfriend, she doesn’t feel like your father, she feels anger and disapproval of you, not guilt, like your father may be feeling.  Her thoughts would be different from your father’s. Better not share with her because not only is she not helping, but she is scaring you further, increasing and maintaining your fear.

    anita

     

    July 17, 2018 at 3:24 am #217181
    Jason
    Participant

    Very good points brought up here by Anita. Also, if your “mentor” is saying that you will have nothing, you might want to reconsider them as a mentor. Have some belittle and undermine everything you have is not the way to go. Consider carefully choosing the relationships in your life, get rid of bad and show compassion and gratitude to the good.

    Hear out what your loved ones are saying, especially if those things are recurring from everyone. Be proud of yourself and what you will do; come to terms with your insecurities and inner feelings, perhaps find it in yourself or talk with some support group other than your mentor, and be more confident. Good luck on your journey of life!

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