I’m 21, she’s 20, dated for 1 1/2 years, great, loving, supportive, caring relationship until the last couple months of it + terrible break up.

We are in college, 2 separate schools but I used to attend hers. My ex girlfriend lost her love for me due to my depression, defensiveness lack of focus, blaming things on everyone but myself, and controlling. We made it clear we could talk to other people, but she denied talking to other guys, while she knew I was putting everything in (attaching) to wanting a future with her and to fix my wrongs for her.

The first week after our break up she wanted to see me just for sex, but we talked about a future with each other, she happened to bring one of her best guy friends name up out of nowhere saying she wasn’t friends with him anymore. I suspected him, and another guy she I had seen her texts with, but she kept denying and lying to my face. I just wanted the truth so I could stop feeling like I’m being played with, and stop stressing everyday over her needing “space” and move on or know she wants to be in my life.

She kept telling me she just needed “space” for 3 weeks when I had done everything I could (maybe too much) to try to save things. My depression and being unfocused led me to being obsessed, 3 weeks after the break up and 1 week after she blocked me because of an argument, I logged in her social media to find her best guy friend in her bed.

When I saw the guy in her bed I lost it, kept messaging and calling her saying very mean things, I told her parents about it since her mom (who I was close with) had led me to think she just needed space too. I told her dad petty information such as her smoking weed, changing her grades on paper to show him. I felt wronged as she was going to make me wait for who knows how long, instead of just telling me it’s over for good. Also I had fell into financial difficulties such as crashing my car coming to see her, going flat broke mostly because of the relationship as I had visited her hometown to meet her parents and spent too much money and time investing in the relationship and doing things for her, but they were my decisions at the end of the day.

She contacted me for the first time since blocking me, apologizing for what she had done (only because her dad was involved), saying she was going to have an ex-parte on me, unless I told her dad what I said was a lie. I apologized to him for involving him, contacted her for proof of it being removed, she didn’t respond or answer. I couldn’t risk an ex-parte for no reason effecting my future, and partially out of spite because I knew if it was her choice she was never going to contact me again, so I called her dad and told him everything.

She had to go home across the country instead of stay here for an job she had lined up for the summer, her parents got in a serious argument, her dad does not trust her anymore. The guy she was talking to, stopped talking to her. She told me she will never forgive me.

I have made progress since this immature incident as far as getting out of my negative mindset, and realizing how perception, conception, conditioning and attachment effect my life. I have also been seeing a counselor. I still feel very bad for what happened to her, even though we both did each other wrong, I took it to somewhere it should’ve never been and I can’t contact her to apologize (I’ve tried). Her and her family think I am a crazy stalker, and they want nothing to do with me (partially rightfully) Looking for advice on how to forgive myself mostly, forgive her and move on.