Hi,

Well here goes…. I am in a bad, scary place at the moment and would really appreciate some advice. If i am honest i go to bed every night hoping not to wake up.

Almost 3 years ago i moved from a fairly low paid job  in which i was good at but came with lots of baggage, i worked as an instructor at a College so not great money but we kind of got by and looking back, which i do often, i was probably a lot happier than what i thought i was/should be. We had very young children a modest mortgage and in the UK you get tax credits if you earn a smaller income so we “scraped by” and i did bits of private work to get us along.

So end of 2014 i was offered the chance to apply for a role within a large Utility company doing what i had always done (i am an Arborist by trade) clearing power lines of trees. The money was fantastic (more than i had ever dreamed of earning)and even though i was scared of the change and leaving an environment that i was used to, with some great friends i “went for it”

I HATED IT!!! But i struggled through, got used to the horrible, selfish, dishonest people and the company b****** and used the money to move to a new home effectively doubling our mortgage to around £120k. The next year was reasonably settled, i had to share a van with a drug addicted,heavy drinker, didn’t like many of the people there ( many tree surgeons can be big headed by nature) but i coped. Just.

May this year we were called to big meeting and we were told that the team leader’s and above were being made redundant! I was a team leader, so i was affected. The above mentioned person who was paid as much as me but was stripped off his responsibility and earlier on in the year admitted to road rage attack but kept his job was unaffected!

So weeks of anxiety, re-deployment interviews, googling “exit bags and hanging myself” surviving redundancy etc but i found 2 jobs which even though they paid a lot less would have kept us in our home but we would have struggled worse than ever before. June came around and after my last interview i was offered a management role in the project that effectively cost me my job. I had interviewed well, scored highly etc and they wanted to see “what i was made off”

If i am truly honest i did not want to do it and was internally praying for whatever minimal redundancy they would have had to have offered me. I figured that then at least i would have had no choice in the matter if i was let go and the upcoming struggles would not have seemed so bad knowing that i did not have a choice in the matter, and to be honest i have never had any aspirations of being a manager,  i live a pretty frugal life ( no hobbies, don’t drink, smoke take hols, buy lots of charity shop stuff  etc) and i hate that Company. But for the sake of my family and home (it was more money again!) i went for it ringing up the prospective  employers and gently refusing there offers due to this “opportunity”.

I could not be in a worse place now. I hate it with a passion i have never felt for anything in my life. I had a weeks training in a role that i know nothing about and the manager i have is a vile disgusting ex-forces bully. He is making mistake after mistake and is OK with his own shortcomings but he speaks to me like dirt and sends me hundreds of miles away to work even though i was told at the time i would be local. This week due to some paperwork errors (for which i had never been taught to do by the way) he basically tells me that “this isn’t for me”, i could be accused of fraud and maybe i should go.

I know the advice i will get will be go to HR etc but honestly it won’t work as they are just as bad. I was very badly bullied and have has suicidal thoughts all of my life but now i am close to acting them out. I have 2 ace kids  (10 and 12) and a great wife and a lovely dog but i am very close to ending it

But here is the funny thing. A month ago i was in a very bad place and for some reason i pulled the truck over and rang one of the people who offered me a role and pretty much asked if they would reconsider me. I did not here anything for a week and then to my absolute shock they rang me and offered me the role saying they think i would be a great fit. I accepted and i have to start next week, the 27th, but did not hand my notice in when i was told as i wanted one more month to try and crack it and not be failure. I suppose in card playing terms i was trying to play to my last hand!! I am going to be taking a big pay cut and we will be living in our overdraft for ever i feel and i am terrified of losing our home (that would finish me) and my self confidence has been shot to pieces by this whole ordeal and i just don’t want to go on feeling this trapped. I am taking a big step back to going to the bottom of the chain in my industry and i am unsure of how it will be working there. My wife has been good but, annoyed by my in-decision and i do not want her to have to work evenings as she runs her own business by day (which does not bring in much money) and my in-laws have “guaranteed me” that we will not struggle but i do not want to accept charity. My little bit of savings will pay half of the mortgage for about 6 months and then we will get tax credits again as i will be on a lower wage. This whole episode of my life has almost destroyed me, i cannot even bring myself to sleep in the same bed as my wife as i feel so ashamed and i am so angry and bitter about yet another poor life decision. The lazy dis-honest people i worked with are set for life in the company re-structure and don’t mind telling me so when they can and i now have what seems to me a lifetime of struggle even though i tried so hard when i went there.

If i am going to do it i have to do something this week by Thursday  that  i have never done before  and resign with immediate effect and walk out of a job.  Like i said i have another to go to but I am so scared, un-confident and depressed and i would really appreciate some advice from anyone.

Please.

Thank you.