October 21, 2017 at 3:13 am #174065
Well here goes…. I am in a bad, scary place at the moment and would really appreciate some advice. If i am honest i go to bed every night hoping not to wake up.
Almost 3 years ago i moved from a fairly low paid job in which i was good at but came with lots of baggage, i worked as an instructor at a College so not great money but we kind of got by and looking back, which i do often, i was probably a lot happier than what i thought i was/should be. We had very young children a modest mortgage and in the UK you get tax credits if you earn a smaller income so we “scraped by” and i did bits of private work to get us along.
So end of 2014 i was offered the chance to apply for a role within a large Utility company doing what i had always done (i am an Arborist by trade) clearing power lines of trees. The money was fantastic (more than i had ever dreamed of earning)and even though i was scared of the change and leaving an environment that i was used to, with some great friends i “went for it”
I HATED IT!!! But i struggled through, got used to the horrible, selfish, dishonest people and the company b****** and used the money to move to a new home effectively doubling our mortgage to around £120k. The next year was reasonably settled, i had to share a van with a drug addicted,heavy drinker, didn’t like many of the people there ( many tree surgeons can be big headed by nature) but i coped. Just.
May this year we were called to big meeting and we were told that the team leader’s and above were being made redundant! I was a team leader, so i was affected. The above mentioned person who was paid as much as me but was stripped off his responsibility and earlier on in the year admitted to road rage attack but kept his job was unaffected!
So weeks of anxiety, re-deployment interviews, googling “exit bags and hanging myself” surviving redundancy etc but i found 2 jobs which even though they paid a lot less would have kept us in our home but we would have struggled worse than ever before. June came around and after my last interview i was offered a management role in the project that effectively cost me my job. I had interviewed well, scored highly etc and they wanted to see “what i was made off”
If i am truly honest i did not want to do it and was internally praying for whatever minimal redundancy they would have had to have offered me. I figured that then at least i would have had no choice in the matter if i was let go and the upcoming struggles would not have seemed so bad knowing that i did not have a choice in the matter, and to be honest i have never had any aspirations of being a manager, i live a pretty frugal life ( no hobbies, don’t drink, smoke take hols, buy lots of charity shop stuff etc) and i hate that Company. But for the sake of my family and home (it was more money again!) i went for it ringing up the prospective employers and gently refusing there offers due to this “opportunity”.
I could not be in a worse place now. I hate it with a passion i have never felt for anything in my life. I had a weeks training in a role that i know nothing about and the manager i have is a vile disgusting ex-forces bully. He is making mistake after mistake and is OK with his own shortcomings but he speaks to me like dirt and sends me hundreds of miles away to work even though i was told at the time i would be local. This week due to some paperwork errors (for which i had never been taught to do by the way) he basically tells me that “this isn’t for me”, i could be accused of fraud and maybe i should go.
I know the advice i will get will be go to HR etc but honestly it won’t work as they are just as bad. I was very badly bullied and have has suicidal thoughts all of my life but now i am close to acting them out. I have 2 ace kids (10 and 12) and a great wife and a lovely dog but i am very close to ending it
But here is the funny thing. A month ago i was in a very bad place and for some reason i pulled the truck over and rang one of the people who offered me a role and pretty much asked if they would reconsider me. I did not here anything for a week and then to my absolute shock they rang me and offered me the role saying they think i would be a great fit. I accepted and i have to start next week, the 27th, but did not hand my notice in when i was told as i wanted one more month to try and crack it and not be failure. I suppose in card playing terms i was trying to play to my last hand!! I am going to be taking a big pay cut and we will be living in our overdraft for ever i feel and i am terrified of losing our home (that would finish me) and my self confidence has been shot to pieces by this whole ordeal and i just don’t want to go on feeling this trapped. I am taking a big step back to going to the bottom of the chain in my industry and i am unsure of how it will be working there. My wife has been good but, annoyed by my in-decision and i do not want her to have to work evenings as she runs her own business by day (which does not bring in much money) and my in-laws have “guaranteed me” that we will not struggle but i do not want to accept charity. My little bit of savings will pay half of the mortgage for about 6 months and then we will get tax credits again as i will be on a lower wage. This whole episode of my life has almost destroyed me, i cannot even bring myself to sleep in the same bed as my wife as i feel so ashamed and i am so angry and bitter about yet another poor life decision. The lazy dis-honest people i worked with are set for life in the company re-structure and don’t mind telling me so when they can and i now have what seems to me a lifetime of struggle even though i tried so hard when i went there.
If i am going to do it i have to do something this week by Thursday that i have never done before and resign with immediate effect and walk out of a job. Like i said i have another to go to but I am so scared, un-confident and depressed and i would really appreciate some advice from anyone.
Thank you.October 21, 2017 at 11:23 am #174117
First thing to do is stop the panic, de-escalate the fear. You are not in immediate danger. You can take a deep breath. Calm down best you can. Take a brisk walk outside, in the cold, a hot cup of tea. Relax best you can. Reasonable thinking is not possible when under the influence of.. escalating fear.
When calm, consider this: you have made decisions based on what society considers the right choosing- more money. You have to fit your decisions to who you are, to how you operate, not to society’s expectations. You have been bullied earlier in your life, I understand. The distress you experienced then is activated when you deal with work place bullies or rude people at work. The distress you experience is greater than it would have been if you didn’t experience earlier life bullying.
You have to take this into consideration when making decisions, this is what I mean by fitting your decisions to who you are, to how you operate. You need a work place environment where you do not come in contact with rude people. Others may be able to take it, maybe even thrive in it. Not you.
At this point, have some empathy for yourself. You have been trying so hard and for so long, with best intentions. It is time to try… wiser, not harder.
Let me know, if you will, what you think of my reply so far, and I will reply again.
anitaOctober 21, 2017 at 12:16 pm #174125
Thanks for replying. It’s funny because the employer offered me counselling after putting me through all of this and the lady i spoke to said pretty much the same thing. I just do not know what to do. Every choice i make leads me to the wrong place eventually, i seem to bumble through life with a “cursed road-map”.
I know if i stay there is a fair chance that this will break me but i am not sure if just jacking next week will be any better.? I could possibly make a decision that could cost my family everything and i wonder if it is better that i just stick it out for them. But i cannot believe i am going through this, i have tried so hard in my life to work hard and not take advantage of people and look where i am now. Also is it really possible in life not to meet nasty, horrible, selfish people?
Contemplating suicide seems my only option, that or i have an accident and it ends that way.October 22, 2017 at 5:52 am #174157
I will be glad to go over the various choices with you. Can you state those choices as #1, #2, #3, then clearly and succinctly state the action each entails, the pros and cons. I need it organized.
Regarding the suicide thinking: it is comforting that there is a way for all this pain to end, isn’t it. No more fear, no more shame, no more sadness, no more struggle. The good news is that this solution to all pain gone is real and will happen as it happens to every human, every animal, every plant, every living thing.
What a relief, knowing that these pains, physical, emotional are not forever. Good thing. Take comfort in death. But don’t rush it. It will happen on its own.
Until then, you can reduce your pain, minimize it, prevent future pain. If you remove the shame from your pain, that will help. If you remove the guilt, that will help. Then all you will be left with is the reality of the moment, the choices, and with rational, clear thinking.
anitaOctober 22, 2017 at 10:49 am #174207
Thanks again for replying.
Choice 1: I stick at it, try and just think of the money but hate him and the situation and also not be the husband,father that i could/should be but be able to provide in a relatively stable job (Until the next time they do it to me! Massive trust issues now i am afraid!) It isn’t a physical job but the stress of everything that goes along with it is very hard. Ironically enough i found out Fri that the person making my life so miserable has a job interview mon in a different role so if he gets it maybe that is worth considering as a reason to stay? Bad timing though as i need to know by thurs.
Choice 2: This week i jack and go. Maybe burn a bridge and perhaps that will maybe return to haunt me in the future? Do my induction for my new job fri and return to what i know but for less money, harder physical work but hopefully (?) have less stress and work with nicer people. Again i have trust issues, know what a lot of people in my industry are like and am not sure that i will ever work in a place without nasty, selfish people. Maybe within a new company something different will arise and perhaps i may have a new career within my industry ? I know tough that if i turn them down again then that will be it.
Choice 3: I end my life! sorry, but to me that is a choice. My father in law this afternoon said to me that that Company is not worth your life, marriage or relationship with your kids. It is killing me and when i awake in the dead of night i think this what death must be like? Silent and black.
There you have it.
That is as best as i can summarise the situation.
Thanks again.October 22, 2017 at 10:53 am #174211
Option 2 will entail a lot less money and stress fianancelly!October 22, 2017 at 11:08 am #174215
You are welcome.
I vote for choice # 2.
If and when you choose #2, it will not be a “happily ever after” life, no doubt. But between #1 and #2, I believe it is the better choice.
If you look for a perfect choice, the one to bring you a happily-ever-after life, none of your three choices will bring that. It is unfortunate, for all of us, that the wishful desire for eternal bliss can not happen. For anyone.
#3 by the way, is not a happily-ever-after existence. It is no existence. I can no longer discuss this option with you beyond my input so far. As long as you consider this option, please do have counseling as soon as possible, check yourself into a hospital, a clinic… call a suicide hotline. I am not qualified to communicate with you or with anyone considering such a final choice.
Back to # 1 and # 2- why I vote for #2:
Your distress at your present job is so acute, so intense, that it is now inseparable from this job. It is an automatic response to the job. It is most important, I believe, that you separate yourself from this job, terminate it as soon as possible, this week.
More physical work in choice #2 is fine. It is the emotional distress that is harming you, not the physical challenge. Less money- fine. You managed before.
Place your shame and guilt aside, please. It is about surviving now. You are okay. Really. And you will be okay. Consider not judging yourself as a Failure. It is not your doing that you were bullied earlier in life. That was not your failure and neither is your automatic distress when encountering rude people at work.
Post again anytime. And again, re-read my input on the choice #3 here on this post I am about to submit.
anitaOctober 22, 2017 at 12:06 pm #174223
Thank you for your time and response. I do not mean to offend you by talking about suicide it’s just that at times since May things in my head have almost been unbearable.
I truly think that 2 is the best, but not perfect by a long shot! I just have to be brave now and go to bed tonight knowing that i have to stand up to him and say the words ” i resign with immediate effect”
I have never done that though so it will be hard an i am scared off what the future may bring. For me and more importantly my family.
Thank you anita. You are very kind to respond and have been a moment of clarity and light in a very dark place.
EOctober 22, 2017 at 12:36 pm #174225
You are welcome. You didn’t offend me. As I indicated, I am not qualified, not trained and certified to communicate with people entertaining suicide, and therefore doing so would be irresponsible on my part.
Please feel free to post anytime. I will be glad to reply.
Yes, #2 is not perfect. There is no perfect choice, no perfect life ahead. Of your choices, I believe it is best. This dark place you are in, you experienced “a moment of clarity and light” in it. There are many more of such moments for you to experience.
I suggest that you entertain the concept of curiosity, and the desire to learn what matters most in life. Your life is meaningful, as is, if you adapt the attitude of such curiosity.
I hope to read about your assertion with the person at work, you standing up to him. You can practice saying to him what you intend to say, even say it out loud with the tone of voice and look of confidence.
anitaOctober 22, 2017 at 1:13 pm #174233
Yes indeed i will let you know the outcome as soon as…
Thanks again, you are very kind.
EOctober 23, 2017 at 12:12 pm #174437
You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation. Looking forward to an update/ your next post.
anitaOctober 25, 2017 at 10:39 am #174819
Well i did it. Informed him today that i was leaving and he went nuts. He refused to shake my hand which was pathetic seeing as how he has treated me!
I am scared, worried and nervous and we will be poorer but i hope to become a better husband and father and maybe a better person.October 25, 2017 at 11:08 am #174845
Congratulations! Excellent choice and performance! He responded with anger because you did not submit to him, not today!
The road ahead will not be easy. Today will not be easy. But you made the right choice, you did well. Congratulate yourself for having done that: good job!
Yes, this move today does promote you becoming “a better husband and father and … a better person”!
I hope you post again… and again through the difficult time ahead.
anitaOctober 25, 2017 at 12:56 pm #174883
I hope that times are not too difficult but i know i am in for some bumps in the road so to speak. Strange thing is that earlier on i was offered another job somewhere else doing tree surgery on the railways with some time working away. It will be more money but if anything has hit home is how much i want to spend time with my family and kids but i will give it some thought.
I hope i made the right choice, it has been a rough 5 months but i will push on. Like you said. Nothing is perfect.
Thank you anita and wherever you post from i hope the sun is shining for you.October 25, 2017 at 1:14 pm #174887
Thank you. I hope the sun shines on you as well. Here it is foggy but your wishes and the sun are in my smile, right now.