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Want to hold on to this relationship

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 2 days ago.

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  • #235541

    Sabrina
    Participant

    Hi All,

    I’ve been in a 10 year relationship that I recently ended about 7 months ago. Background…I had 3 small kids when I met him and didn’t have a lot of time nor did I want to commit a lot of time to a relationship he was divorced not freshly but fairly new and worked a lot, so our relationship worked and I thought it would eventually lead to marriage one day. Well once my kids left the nest I had more time and a desire for more. I want more of his time but he’s time was still limited. My circumstances has changed but he still works a lot. An important piece of info is we live about a 1.5 hour away from each other so we saw each other about 3 may 4 days a week.

    Well about 7 months ago I got tired of being in what I felt like was a part time relationship so I ended it. So sad and devastated, we had no contact for about 3 months and than we started talking again I initiated it (a weak moment). Went out a few times and talked, he said he definitely want a relationship with me and want to give me the time commitment I need but he wasn’t were he wanted to be and needed to get things right so that he could be financially and emotionally happier. I don’t feel like he’s feeding me a line or having other women but I just think he’s having a mini mid life crises, he’s 54 and I’m 50.

    I’m torn because I still want him but I kind of want to let go so that I can move on. We recently we out for dinner and I believe he still loves me but he’s still not available to commit. I try no contact and as soon as I relax, he will text or call which draws me in again. I’ve not had sex with him since we broke up because he doesn’t have those privileges anymore. I’m holding out for all or nothing but my time and patience is getting thin.

    Should I move on and date? I obviously still love him but I don’t want to be in a holding pattern forever either. Can people part and come back together a year or more and have a successful relationship?

    Please I need some advice.

    Thanks.

    #235555

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sabrina:

    I would like to understand better, therefore I ask: what specific commitment do you need from him:  is it seeing each other more often than the 3-4 times per week, or longer each time, or is it living together? Getting married?

    anita

    #235567

    Sabrina
    Participant

    I imagined that once my kids were gone that we would start seeing each other more, spend the weekends together and eventually live together. Maybe marriage but wasn’t really pushing that idea.

    Thanks Anita

    #235579

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sabrina:

    You are welcome. For ten years he had a limited time for you and now at 54, he can’t commit to spend more time with you, still trying to be “financially and emotionally happier”. It is not promising, to me. I think it is his right of course, to invest his time in the quoted above, but it doesn’t seem that it will be happening anytime soon.

    What about dating, online dating perhaps? If done wisely, in a planned way, you can locate a number of men perhaps who are ready now to commit the time to a relationship, men who are serious and interested in a long term, committed relationship, and then you can choose from those the best man for you. Do  I sound too optimistic, do you think?

    anita

    #235585

    Sabrina
    Participant

    Anita,

    Shortly after the break up I attempted to try online dating, I did go out with several people but I only compared them to him.I think it was too early. I think my choices are limited with guys on line because of me not wanting to have a long distance relation ship but essentially that’s what I had with him, maybe this next time will be different. I have promised myself if he doesn’t make any changes by first of the year, I’m not wasting another year in limbo. So I guess I will invest a little more time and energy in online dating at that point. I sure you your right about the online dating idea.

    Sabrina

    #235587

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sabrina:

    Yes, better not waste time in limbo.  I don’t like limbo myself.

    Lots of people experience success with online dating. I am optimistic about it, if done right: clear, straightforward profile, effective short communications, meeting for coffee and conversations in a coffee shop or such, sort of interviewing men that way, sometimes proceeding to second, third such meeting/ interview. I will be glad to share more, being one of those people experiencing success in it.

    anita

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