Dear Hector:

You shared that long ago when your mother had a passing illness, you and your brother offered to cook her some rice. She expressed doubt that you can accomplish the task (“you’re sure you’ve got this, boys?”). Following her expressed doubt that you can accomplish the task, the two of you indeed failed to accomplish the task safely and burnt yourselves with boiling water.

The two of you then, in pain, stayed quiet and served her the rice. You then spent the entire night in pain, but said nothing to your mother, expressing none of your pain, discomfort and distress.

When she happened to discover your burns the day after, she was concerned and she asked you: “but why didn’t you tell me?”-

– I don’t think she was concerned enough to find the answer to the question she asked. It is alarming and puzzling that two boys will suffer painful burns and remain quiet for any reason. Naturally, one screams!

Why didn’t the two of you scream when in pain and shock as the boiling water hit your skin in multiple areas?

My guess: when the boiling water hit your bodies and it hurt a lot, you kept yourselves quiet because if you expressed your pain, and if your mother found out that indeed you were not capable of accomplishing the task, she  would have reacted with criticism that would have caused you greater pain of the emotional kind. Or she would have been so anxious about the burns that you would have felt intense guilt, an emotional pain greater than being burnt with boiling water.

You had a different  understanding of this long ago experience: “while it is perhaps true that she bore certain emotional dominance over us, she was in fact concerned about  our wellbeing”-

– I agree, Hector, that your mother didn’t want her boys hurt by boiling water. But she didn’t mind her boys hurt otherwise, emotionally, that is. It is very common for parents to worry about their children’s physical health and safety (by providing food and clothing, shelter and medicine when sick, etc.) and yet, harm their children terribly in other ways.

You are indeed very protective of your mother’s image in your own mind. Continuing to do so, will keep you from healing and improving your emotional health. (It will make it more comfortable though to continue and live with her).

I have two questions for you:

1) You wrote about my post to you yesterday: “it’s hard to read this, very hard”- what particularly was very hard for you to read?

2) You wrote: “The facial expression I hinted at earlier, also did not express disapproval as I remember it, but shock/ startling/ baffling/ not knowing what to do”- do you think that when she discovered you and your brother playing doctor with the girl, she approved of the activity?

You shared earlier, if I remember correctly, that long after that incident you talked to your mother about the incident and she said that she heard worse stories.. maybe she was okay with the incident (?)

anita

Dear Hector:

You are welcome.

“I do feel like you are a bit too certain”- I am very certain about certain things, like gravity exists and a young child always loves his mother. These are scientific facts of life.

“You are doing the same thing with the scarce information I’ve given about my childhood in making a monster of my mother.. So yes, I think she’s been a shitty mother”-

– monster mother, shitty mother: these (the italicized) are adjectives that you came up with, these are your words. Not mine.

anita