Dear hungryhamster:

My advice is that you learn everything you can from this experience, this relationship. Once you learn all you can learn, you can have the clarity to know what to do- or not to do- next.

To learn, I ask: when you told him that you “really regret what happened”- what were you referring to, that is: what specifically are you regretting?

* and what are you not regretting?

anita

Dear hungryhamster:

You know very little about him and about the relationship. You know he made you laugh and that felt good. You know you were both busy. You think you may have been a “little bit annoying”- maybe there is something there: how do you think you were annoying?

anita

Dear hungryhamster:

I think I understand. Feeling shy, the way you felt, it wasn’t … wrong for you to feel the way you did, you can’t help the way you feel, it is not subject to choice. Feelings just happen, they are automatic mental events. Was it annoying to him that you were shy? Maybe. People are annoyed for all kinds of reasons, I don’t know.

He did have the opportunity, maybe, if he was able and so inclined, to help you along. You opened up to him enough to tell him about your struggle. Did he try? I don’t know (did he?)

Being shy is the same as being afraid of rejection, ridicule and such. Everyone is afraid of something. I wonder what he was afraid of, if he shared with you. He had the chance, when you opened up to him. He could have told you then about what he is afraid of.

Are you aware of why he withdrew from the vacation idea? If you’d like to share about your shyness, fear of intimacy, dislike of your body, anything at all, please do and I will thoughtfully reply when I am back, about six hours from now.

anita

Dear hungryhamster:

I just came across your “update” note. Don’t know why, but I no longer get those automatic notices when my name is tagged (in an update or in a thread).

Anxiety is an ongoing fear, on and on – with breaks. We are afraid when there is no clear-and-imminent-danger. The fear is based on past childhood experiences and it keeps circulating in our brains as adults. Anxiety is very common. You feeling awkward in social situation, like with his friends, does not mean you have a developmental disorder that you were born with (Asperger’s, if it is considered something a person is born with). Being anxious explains it plenty.

There is no way to deal with anxiety other than slowly, gradually and patiently. If you are patient with yourself, allowing for gradual progress, allowing for times of no progress and even regression, but persisting in moving forward over time, this attitude will help you greatly. When in a relationship, he too should practice such patience with you, such gentleness. Communicating clearly with each other is most important.

A relationship should be a win-win proposition where the two parties help each other. You needed his help and he needed your help. If the two of you held each other hand and walked together through what is scary for each walking alone, that would have been a wonderful thing.

When you spent time in the presence of his friends, what was the purpose of such a get-together, I wonder. If his motivation was to seek their approval of you, I can only imagine that would scare you. I wouldn’t like it, if that was the case, if I was you. I wouldn’t like the idea of my boyfriend needing his friends’ approval of me. And knowing I am being tested, would have stressed me out.

Twelve hours a day work? That would explain more than maybe a possible mild case of Asperger’s.

Regarding your dislike of your body- very common. So very, very common, unfortunately.

And this is my point, as it just became clear to me: don’t marginalize yourself as “weird” or one suffering from an inherent disorder, doomed for life as “different”- I used to think that way and I was wrong!

You are not abnormal or weird, you are just anxious. It is very uncomfortable and unpleasant to be anxious, I know too well. But if you learn to not be anxious about being anxious, not to label yourself as abnormal or weird because you are anxious… that will help you.

Fear keeps us from living better, from acting for our own benefit, absolutely. And there are ways to heal from intense fear, over time, slowly, gradually. In a relationship, you have what it takes to help your (future) boyfriend, more than you know, I am sure of that.

Please post again, I wrote too much here, for one post.

anita

Dear hungryhamster:

In your second post on the thread you wrote about your ex boyfriend: “he is a great person”- but in your last post, he doesn’t read to me like a great person: “he didn´t treat me the way he could. He tried only at the beginning. Then, as he get what he wanted…” And he wasn’t supportive of you; when you shared your anxiety with him: “he was also annoying and he mentioned many times he couldn´t get what I was afraid of”

You wrote “I think I´m trying really hard to not be depressive or hysterical, or so”- I understand you to mean that you practice some self discipline over how you express your distressing feelings. I see this as admirable. It is healthy and right for you to express your feelings, and to practice reasonable self discipline so to not overwhelm another person.

You wrote: “I also tried to not be a boring lover”- this means to me you were very concerned about him enjoying himself, keeping him interested. But when anxious this way, fearing he will be bored, you are not relaxed enough to “forget yourself” enough to enjoy the intimate time you had with him.

You wrote that he broke up with you, telling you: “I can´t see any future for us. I think we´re in the end of our path.” Later he said to you: “If you said this to me before you agreed on the break up I would PROBABLY change my mind!”- saying that “you agreed on the break up” doesn’t read honest to me, because when he broke up with you, he didn’t ask you if it was okay for you to end the relationship. He told you, he didn’t ask.

And so I agree with your understanding that “It seems like a pretty excuse.”

You wrote that you drank alcohol, so you were able to communicate with his friends. Alcohol calmed your anxiety, during that time. But later, when you weren’t drinking you were “quiet all the time”- alcohol and any other drug does not heal us from anxiety, as you well know. Healing takes time and work and the calming of it is gradual and permanent, not instant and temporary.

I believe that you are intelligent enough to communicate with any university graduate. They have topics you don’t know much about, and you have topics they don’t know much about.

Regarding your one friend who has Asperger´s. You wrote that he respects you, understands you and is interested in you- all good things. Let him know you are afraid to hurt him, and let him know your other concerns, do so respectfully and listen to his response. As you have an honest, open and respectful conversation (a series of conversations) with him, you will be clearer about what to do next, start a relationship, continue a friendship or otherwise.

anita

Dear hungryhamster:

I am glad you are NOT pregnant and hope that it will remain this way until and if you are in a relationship that is welcoming to children, safe, loving, reliable.

Regarding your correction, I will try to understand

– he told you: “I can´t see any future for us. I think we´re in the end of our path.” Then he asked for your opinion. You said something like: Okay. Later he told you: ““If you said this to me before you agreed on the break up I would PROBABLY change my mind!”

Am I understanding it correctly this time?

If my understanding is correct, then he stated to you that he doesn’t see a future for the two of you and then asked you if you agree that there is no future for the two of you. So he wasn’t sure…?

No one can tell the future. Did he tell you why he didn’t see a future for the two of you? Or did he ask you to predict the future, like a psychic, one who reads cards and such?

anita