You basically thought that you could have s meaningful interaction with somebody who is incapable of such. And, he continued to push your buttons.

Crying in and of itself does not indicate sorrow or regret over things. I see it a lot in court. As judges will do, you fell for it, and wonder why your father was smirking. Simple reason he was smirking: he got the reaction out of you that he wanted. You are here wondering why you feel ashamed; a part of you actually believed his act.

Dear greenshade:

Four facts:

1. Being in the presence of your father makes your healing very difficult, if not impossible, because “being around him triggers a lot of my fears and anxiety.” Being in the presence of an abuser does that, whether they abuse you at the very moment or in the past (Even if the abuse is in the past, it is already recorded in the brain and is activated by the mere sight and voice of the abuser).
2. Your father is abusive and he is responsible for his behavior. You are not responsible for his behavior.
3. Your mother, his psychiatrist, the teacher, anyone and everyone who denies #2 and puts the responsibility on you, in other words, anyone promoting the concept that your responsibility is “to make peace with being abused, while being abused”- they are ALL wrong. Every single one person.
4. There is this social reality where you live: “a single woman moving out of her parents home to live somewhere else in the same city is unheard of.” Your extended family will not support you in such a move and you will be a social outcast.

Where do you go from here, greenshade? What can you possibly do?

anita

Your first post asked for perspective, and although the others have helped you with that I think, I feel so strongly I can’t help but add my perspective: “Holy crap, get away from him! And get a new therapist!”

That baby talk thing is creepy as f***. Stop faking a positive response to it. Calling you every couple of hours to tell you how lonely and sad he is? What is he thinking? And he’s interfering with your career?

OK, so you’re in a bind with regards to your living situation. Do you know for a fact your family wouldn’t support you? Could it be, for example, that your mother’s sister never got on with your father but didn’t let on because of faaamily, but would put you up if you explained the situation? I don’t know, I just feel like you have very strong grounds to want to move out, and reasonable people would help you. It may be worth arranging some time with one or two of your extended family members to have a talk and feel them out.

If you find yourself self-sabotaging, just be like, “Oh, look. I’m sabotaging myself again.” And then you pick up the pieces and try again. Don’t be intimidated by your self-sabotaging self. Remind yourself of the freedom and sanity you stand to gain, and keep trying.

Good luck, man.

Dear greenshade:

After reading your note to me I am all for the Master Degree plan, living away from home, in combination with competent therapy so that you don’t sabotage yourself. First thought I had reading your self sabotage tendency, in the context of living away from home, is that part of you wants to be a good daughter to your father by staying with him (and if you leave, that part will want to take you back to him).

In therapy, you can gain insight and learn how to not give in to that part and over time, that need, to be a good daughter to your father will weaken and finally be eradicated.

An abusive, dishonest, manipulative, unrepentant father does NOT deserve a loving, honest, conscientious, loyal daughter. These traits make you available for abuse, not for love.

anita

Dear greenshade:

I understand being confused about reality. I know confusion and it kept me stuck as well. I too did not believe my own experience. I doubted my ability to evaluate reality correctly. It took me over five years of daily healing work to be able to trust my ability to evaluate reality correctly.

Maybe if you lived away from your father, maybe go to effective counseling, over time you will get the clarity you need.

A few points from your last post:

1. “…how he was acting wasnt who he was”- when his behavior toward you was abusive, he was abusive. It is like this: let’s say someone stabs you and you, naturally bleed. It doesn’t matter if the person who stabbed you is sometimes kind, or never stabbed someone else. Or if he is bipolar. Fact is, he stabbed you and you bleed.

2. “disobeying or hurting your parents means you go to hell..” Does a parent who hurts his innocent, loving, trusting child, again and again, goes to hell? If the hell business is supposed to be a matter of justice, what is more unjust than the hurting of the innocent and trusting?

3. ” I may also be viewing him thru the lens of anxiety and depression, both of which I am currently struggling with, so I dont know if I am viewing him clearly or not..”

I think what came first is your father hurting you, no one protected you (being on his side, not on yours). The CONSEQUENCE of that was your anxiety and depression. Not the other way around.

anita