anita and sam, hi! i’m new here,…. i’m liking the quotes page of this website,….

anyway, jumping into your conundrum,….

i believe a person shouldn’t be so flirty with a girl, especially since he was in a relationship,….

for me, i think since you are moving away,… treat this as an adventure, to change your lifestyle and to get away from this person,….

but i understand how it must feel like,…. being attached to somebody, i’ve been there before,…

what you need is to get into a good and healthy lifestyle, go for pilates or yoga classes, try to improve yourself even further,…. try to improve your anxiety that is causing you problems,….and most importantly sam, don’t beat yourself down,…. i’ve gone through there too and it’s so much better being at a place at peace….

err hope i helped,..! haha

Dear Sam:

I re-studied your posts on this thread. I understand you have abandonment issues (“I have abandonment issues from my mom dying. I am terrified of being left.”) and it makes sense: child’s attachment to the mother is very intense, naturally.

What I am looking at, at this point, is you giving yourself such a hard time for getting attached to a man who is not a good candidate for a romantic relationship (like the co worker this thread is about). Look at all the negative criticism you extend toward yourself (quotes and my paraphrasing them):

“I knew it was a bad idea but I gave it (your phone number) to him anyway” -I shouldn’t have given him my phone number!

“We’ve been talking and I’ve enjoyed it even though I know it isn’t going anywhere”- I shouldn’t have talked to him and I shouldn’t have enjoyed it!

“So I’m at the point where I’m thinking this whole thing was dumb”- I am dumb!

“I feel stupid that I’m upset about this”- I am stupid for being upset!

“I honestly feel like something is wrong with me”- there is something wrong with me!

“I get attached so quickly”- There is something wrong with me!

“I’ve been reading into everything. Which is stupid because I’m leaving I know”- I am stupid!

“I meet someone, I’m interested, it doesn’t work out when I knew it wasn’t”- I should know better!

“I know this isn’t healthy at all. And I know I have to stop this”- I need to stop doing what is wrong!

“What is wrong with me? How do I fix this?”- there is something wrong with me. I need to be fixed!

My question to you, putting aside your abandonment issues for now, what is the origin of this negative self criticism? When did it start and in what circumstances?

Also, if you’d  like to answer: can you describe your past/ current relationship with your father?

anita

Dear Sam:

You are very welcome.

I would like to suggest a correction in the following thought you expressed: “I think my parents (unintentionally) put a lot of pressure on me to succeed”-

It makes sense to me that they intentionally put a lot of pressure on you to succeed. What they didn’t intend, most likely, is for you to be harmed by that pressure.

I suppose they believed that the pressure will motivate you to succeed and that success (material, professional) will make you happy. What they didn’t intend was for that pressure to cause you the anxiety that it has, and anxiety is always a de-motivator. It harms.

Your expectations of always getting an “A” and always performing perfectly otherwise is harmful to you in exactly the area you want to succeed. Not that you can ever perform perfectly on an ongoing basis, no matter the expectations. But you are more likely to err, to repeat errors and to not succeed with these expectations operating in your mind.

I hope that in therapy, you are working or will be working on this very thing: correcting your expectations so they fit reality. For as long as your expectations and core beliefs do not match reality, they will do you disservice.

Post again, anytime.

anita

Dear Sam:

You wrote: “I’m wondering if me getting attached to certain men is related to this need for perfection”- probably because there is nothing much, I figure, in your mind, and life that is NOT related to this need for perfection.

Basically, as I understand it, in your mind, it is either 100% (that A grade) or Nothing. Nothing less than a 100% is acceptable. And so, whenever you perform less than a 100% successfully, in any area, you feel that there is something wrong with you (title of your thread).

Is your life like walking a tightrope and any fall from perfection (100%) is a fall all the way down, a crushing fall?

In relationship, much of what happens has nothing to do with you (who the man is, his choices, his participation in the interactions with you), and yet, those things easily cost you that A grade. It is an impossible way to have a relationship and otherwise, to experience emotional well being.

Back to the title of your thread: “What is wrong with me?” My answer at this point is: believing that perfect success is possible and that there is something wrong with you for not making this impossibility your reality.

Let’s keep communicating, for as long as you’d like.

anita

Dear Sam:

The gradual increase of the awareness you currently have is the key to moving forward. The ongoing paying-attention, being mindful, makes more awareness possible. It takes time, a lot of patience with the process, and gentleness with yourself. Gentleness- not that pressure.

What is there more to be aware of: the things you say to yourself during the day before and during performing this or that task: self talk. And then, the distress (or calm) that follows that self talk.

The awareness you mentioned is like being aware of something like: I like flowers. The more- awareness I am referring to is like: I like white flowers early in the morning because they reflect the tiny bit of sun so brightly. I like the smell of roses. These flowers, better be cautious of the thorns that surround them. Look at those bees pollinating those flowers. Etc.

This ongoing awareness/ mindfulness cannot be achieved perfectly- so you got to remove (slowly, gently) the all-or-nothing/ perfectionism core beliefs and expectations from the practice of it.

anita

Dear Sam:

I read your last post and re-read and studied all your posts on this thread this morning.

An observation: We all have our “Rational Mind”, our logic, and our  “Emotional Mind”, our awareness of our emotions (I use emotions and feelings interchangeably), and what message they send us. My understanding is that your Rational Mind runs way ahead of your Emotional Mind, and so, you are trying to figure things without adequate and NECESSARY input of your emotions. Without that input, logic is ineffective, information is missing.

You wrote: “The part you said about needing to hold on to something to avoid falling really resonated with me.”

You wrote: “I’ve always been hard on myself when it comes to getting good grades or doing well in sports… I am perfectionist and my anxiety does tend to come out when I fell like I can’t control a situation or be perfect in it.”

My question: when you were a child, and you didn’t perform perfectly, what were your mother’s reactions? Your father’s? In other words, what were the consequences of you performing imperfectly?  What did you lose, when you didn’t perform perfectly?

I think the Falling imagery that resonated with you is about living without that thing that you lost, as a child, when you performed imperfectly. I think you are still afraid of losing the same thing you already lost (afraid to lose more of it, to be left with none of it)

anita