Forum Replies Created
May 13, 2017 at 1:45 pm #149325
It is hard to read but I understand and agree with it. I don’t think their intentions were ever bad but it is what happened. Both of my parents have anxiety as well and my dad has admitted they passed it to me.
I just don’t know how to go about fixing all of this. I know being aware and mindful is the first step but I don’t know how else to change my way of thinking.May 13, 2017 at 11:33 am #149311
You know when I first read your response I thought “my parents were always 100% supportive. They never did/said anything negative if I performed less than perfect.” But I stepped away and I’ve been thinking about it. While I do think that’s true (or really I don’t remember any reactions wither way) I think I felt like if I was not perfect, then I was not good enough or I was disappointing them.
I see that now too as as adult. Didn’t make it to the gym when I had planned? I’m not good enough. Got a 75 on a test I expected to do better on? I’m not good enough. A guy isn’t interested in me? I’m not good enough.
Obviously deep down I know this isn’t true but I realized I’ve been telling it to myself. So maybe as a child if I failed I felt as if I wasn’t good enough and I lost my parent’s respect.May 13, 2017 at 5:30 am #149289
Thank you, I will try this.
I have another question relating to my original post. So I’ve still been talking to this guy some. We have talked about meeting up before I leave but timing has been bad. Last night something just clicked where I started feeling annoyed with him. Like I said, I understand he is newly single and I was okay with being looked at as a rebound since I am leaving and he has been a nice distraction for me too. But last night I just felt like he was so different than the guy I was originally talking to and I know I just need to walk away from him. I think it would be healthy for me especially as I have a lot to do before I move.
My problem is that I don’t want to end it. And this goes back to hanging on to people I know I shouldn’t. I know I should say to him “I have enjoyed getting to know you but I am moving and you are clearly going through some things and it is clear you have no intention of seeing me before I leave so we should just end this.” But I still want to hold on to him. I hate the idea of having talked to him for this long and then never talking again. But I also know that our conversations are starting to cause me anxiety.May 12, 2017 at 9:29 am #149193
Yes to all of this! My life is all or nothing and to be quite honest, it’s exhausting! I am at the point where I am very aware of it and I would like it to change but I don’t know how to change it. I know I need to do more than being aware of it, although I think it is probably a good first step.May 12, 2017 at 7:57 am #149175
You are right – they intentionally put pressure on me to succeed but they did not mean for it to harm me in anyway.
I thought about this overnight. I’m wondering if me getting attached to certain men is related to this need for perfection. I’m thinking out loud and forming some initial thoughts but I wonder if in a way I see having someone or being a relationship as one step in perfectionism. I definitely strive to be perfect in other areas of my life (friends, work, school, diet, exercise). I know deep down that I don’t need a man to make me complete but I could see that in my perfectionist mind, having someone does complete what I think of as “perfect.” Maybe I hold on to people I don’t even think are that great because a relationship not working out is a sign of failure. So I will hold on even when I think things should end to avoid that. So when the guy ends things, I am crushed. This may be why I have so much anxiety about losing people. I don’t know – this is the first time I’ve really connected all of these things. What are your thoughts on this?
Unfortunately, with my move, I had to end things with my current therapist.May 11, 2017 at 10:09 am #149065
We’ve discussed this in therapy too (my self criticism). I am an only child and while I believe I had a very good childhood, I think my parents (unintentionally) put a lot of pressure on me to succeed. I’ve always been hard on myself when it comes to getting good grades or doing well in sports. I have a hard time when I don’t do “well” (for example, getting a B in a class when I know I’m capable of an A). I am perfectionist and my anxiety does tend to come out when I fell like I can’t control a situation or be perfect in it.
My dad and I became closer when my mom died (I was 23). He is, without a doubt, the biggest motivator in my life. I believe he has always supported everything I wanted to do (like going back to school, for example).
Also, thank you for this. This conversation is extremely helpful!May 11, 2017 at 8:17 am #149041
Thank you, Jenn! The good thing about being single these past few years is that I have been able to work on myself and I know I need to keep doing that.
Anita, I have been seeing a therapist for awhile and we have touched on a lot of this. She thinks (and honestly I agree) that I have abandonment issues from my mom dying. I am terrified of being left. Romantic relationship wise, I have had healthy ones and some not so healthy ones. I can see why I hold on so strong even though I know in some cases they aren’t that good for me. But I’m still not sure why I get attached in the first place. I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said but haven’t formed completely why it resonated with me. I have really great girlfriends and an amazing, supportive dad. But for some reason I crave those romantic relationships too.
I also really agree with your comment on routine. I do very very well with routine. My life has been crazy lately so maybe I need to focus more on getting back into routines (eating better, consistently going to the gym, etc). My therapist has also kindly recommended yoga and meditation but that is hard for me to do!May 10, 2017 at 2:55 pm #148957
Thank you for your response. The part you said about needing to hold on to something to avoid falling really resonated with me. I think I tend to hold on on to people in these situations. How do I go about finding something more healthy to hold on to?November 25, 2016 at 8:24 am #121115
Thank you Inky! That is good advice. I think I feel some pressure because I’m in my 30s so I want to meet someone/have a family but I also don’t want to waste my time just dating haha. But I enjoy this guy’s company so I will take it for what it is and not worry too much.April 19, 2016 at 6:57 pm #102295
I’ve been trying very hard to mediate and observe my thoughts. It’s very difficult! I think I also have so much going on that I am so overwhelmed by a lot of different things. I think sometimes I am in my head so much but I am working on it.April 18, 2016 at 6:30 pm #102180
Thanks, guys. I was feeling pretty anxious yesterday but ended up going to yoga and feeling a lot better. We talked last night and today and I was feeling in a good place. But now I feel anxious again. I’m so nervous around him that I end up not knowing what to say and I’m afraid he’ll think I’m boring but then I also don’t want to say too much or come off as needy. Our conversations have been pretty equal in terms of who initiates and the flow of the conversation but I hate how much I’m overthinking this.May 29, 2015 at 4:37 pm #77481
Hey just saw this. I am ok. I feel like I go through low lows and high highs. One moment I’m okay and one moment I’m not. I feel like I’m craving interaction and love. I’m not sure what to do. Any advice?April 29, 2015 at 5:13 pm #75958
Hey guys. Thanks for your responses. I have been thinking about them a lot the past couple of weeks.
The night I originally posted I ended up meeting up with an ex and told him everything. He had reappeared in my life about a month before and I think I needed to tell someone where I knew no risk was involved. I think it was therapeutic in that I had someone else to tell and talk about things with. However, the past week or so I’ve realized that having him back in my life is not healthy. He was not a good boyfriend and while it’s nice having someone to sympathize with me, I think there were other things outweighing that.
So basically I still feel stuck. I don’t think I’ve felt this depressed and anxious since I got arrested. I’ve been contracting at a really good job for the past year and they’ve recently decided to hire me on. I’ve been absolutely sick about what the background report will show and if they even decide they want to hire me on if they know.
I keep telling myself to power through it but I feel absolutely alone and isolated. I’m starting to feel worthless as well. I know there are people out there who have been through the same things but I don’t know any of them. I think all I really need right now is for someone to ask me if I’m okay.September 13, 2014 at 7:49 am #64828
I too dated a guy (for 4-1/2 years) that liked having admirers. He would constantly flirt with girls or wouldn’t cut off contact with people I wasn’t okay with (like the girl that would call him at 3am or send him dirty song lyrics). I never thought he was cheating but it was still extremely disrespectful and I don’t think I fully realized that until a few months after our breakup.
My advice to you, as someone who ended a relationship only 2 months ago, is cut off contact completely. Delete him from snapchat. You’re only torturing yourself by still having him on there. I still have questions of my ex (different one than above) but I’m slowly learning that I have to move on. I’m not going to get those answers even though I deserve them. You deserve someone who isn’t going to make you have doubts on whether or not they are cheating. I think it’s normal post relationship to stress about all those things (was he cheating, does he have a new g/f, etc – I do it too!) so be easy on yourself.August 24, 2014 at 6:28 pm #63877
Hi Shawn! I love that idea of thinking about how much time that relationship took up compared to my whole life. When I think about my life up to now and how much life I hopefully have left, a year really isn’t that much time. I’ve also been trying to tell myself that I’ve gotten through (much worse) breakups before so I can do it again!