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Going through a really rough time… could use a friend

HomeForumsTough TimesGoing through a really rough time… could use a friend

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  • #73999
    Sam
    Participant

    So back in November I made a really terrible decision and consequently was arrested. The emotions that have followed since then have been a mix of shame, embarrassment, guilt and depression. I take 100% responsibility for my actions and am willing to own up and face the consequences but I am really struggling. I’ve told only a few people – the first being someone who hasn’t hung out with me since. At my therapist’s urging I tried reaching out to her about my anxiety about the whole situation and she was nice but I honestly felt like she was judging me. Since then I’ve been very reluctant to reach out to anyone else. The problem is that part of my consequences will probably require me to become pretty isolated. I’m already introverted and mix that with the depression I’m feeling, I’m just not sure how to deal with the next couple of months. Honestly, I could really use someone right now. :/

    #74017
    George
    Participant

    Hey Bren

    I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Listen Bren whatever you did it doesn’t matter right now. Right now you want to change so what’s the point to blame yourself for the past? Or let other judge you from your mistakes? What you do now and how you want to act from this point and on. That stuff only matters.

    I had a friend that was arrested a long time ago (no we didn’t stop hanging out because of that). I didn’t mind at all. He was a good man and he was just very confused. We continued hanging out, laughing our hearts out, like it never happened. Other people judged him. I told him to pay no attention. He had the right people beside him, supporting him.

    My friend, you need the right people next to you right now. Reach out to them. Fortunately there are plenty of people out there, plenty of therapists! Don’t be afraid because the past does not define you. Is there someone you trust, like an uncle, your parents, an old flame? You should share your feelings about what you did and how it makes you feel. If you keep it a secret will it make you feel any better?

    Do you know the story about a man who knew a really important secret but was not allowed to tell it to anyone with the penalty of his life if he disobeyed? He remained loyal to his promise but as the days went by he became more and more sickened by his burden. His skin grew pale, he lost a lot of weight and his voice started trembling. Eventually he was mistaken for a beggar by his dearest friends. Walking randomly outside his city, out in the plains, he saw a cavity on a tree. immediately he rushed his head inside the hole and started yelling his secret inside that tree. After a while, having said everything to that tree, he laid there exhausted, and slept for the first time after a some time, peacefull.

    I’m not implying that you should start running and yelling out to trees! But the moral of the story is the same. Share your experience with someone, somewhere that you feel he won’t judge you in order for you to find peace.

    Take care my friend
    George

    #74021
    Tiny Butterfly
    Participant

    Hi Bren,

    Your story resonates with me closely as I to have been where you are right now 4 years ago. I had friends who knew about what had happened but ignored me, friends who told other people about what had happened which was heartbreaking because I didn’t want anyone knowing. At the time I felt so embarrassed. Following this I stayed in a lot by myself and at the time I was in a toxic relationship. Thankfully 6 months later this relationship ended and I started university in which I met someone who I eventually opened up to about what had happened and not once did he judge me. I made new friends, engaged in new activities and started to feel better in myself. I guess what I’m trying to say is in time these feelings will pass and you will start to feel better – loosing contact with the people you felt were friends at the time can open up new doors to some pretty amazing people and experiences 🙂 I agree wholeheartedly with George in that the past does not define who you are, if anything it makes you a better person because you are working on yourself and reaching out. Bren most of all I hope you can take some comfort in my story and know that there are always people out there who have been through similar things, understand how you’re feeling and who are here for you.

    Keep your head held high my friend.

    #74023
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Bren,

    You don’t need to tell anyone if you don’t have to because frankly it’s none of their business! If they catch wind that you were arrested/in jail/in court be all, “Legal system. Don’t want to talk about it.” Or, “I needed a good lawyer on that one. So, about those Mets..” Everyone will say that’s the worst advice ever, but it is great advice if you want to put this behind you and live in the present moment.

    Here’s something. A few years ago *There Was An Incident*. I caught the guy. He got three felonies and was put on probation for two years. It’s a small town and I know he was filled with embarrassment, shame, depression, and, I hope, guilt. I would check his very open social media page over that time to keep tabs on him. The thing is, if he didn’t make these really stupid decisions (only made stupider by how his was caught) I would have really liked the guy IRL. In fact, I’m rooting for him to turn his life around, and I think he’s well on his way.

    I tell my kids, “You’re bad at being bad, so you might as well be good.” That’s true for most people.

    Even the people you may have done wrong will probably forgive you, and if it was a social crime, the State has already moved on, and the cops/judges/lawyers have already forgotten you. Believe me, everyone will forget, or frankly won’t care.

    #74287
    Bronte C
    Participant

    Hi:)

    I’m so sorry for your pain.
    My mother has a saying: “There are many people out there making the same mistakes. Some get caught and some don’t. ” Noone has the right to judge someone else’s journey. You might try joining a support group for people with similar circumstances. And Remember: What you DO is not who you ARE.
    God sees your heart. And it is BEAUTIFUL:)

    Wishing you happiness! !
    -Bronte

    #75958
    Sam
    Participant

    Hey guys. Thanks for your responses. I have been thinking about them a lot the past couple of weeks.

    The night I originally posted I ended up meeting up with an ex and told him everything. He had reappeared in my life about a month before and I think I needed to tell someone where I knew no risk was involved. I think it was therapeutic in that I had someone else to tell and talk about things with. However, the past week or so I’ve realized that having him back in my life is not healthy. He was not a good boyfriend and while it’s nice having someone to sympathize with me, I think there were other things outweighing that.

    So basically I still feel stuck. I don’t think I’ve felt this depressed and anxious since I got arrested. I’ve been contracting at a really good job for the past year and they’ve recently decided to hire me on. I’ve been absolutely sick about what the background report will show and if they even decide they want to hire me on if they know.

    I keep telling myself to power through it but I feel absolutely alone and isolated. I’m starting to feel worthless as well. I know there are people out there who have been through the same things but I don’t know any of them. I think all I really need right now is for someone to ask me if I’m okay.

    #76501
    PathOfPeace
    Participant

    You ok Bren? If you wanna vent? I have got the time. I will listen and not judge.

    #77481
    Sam
    Participant

    Hey just saw this. I am ok. I feel like I go through low lows and high highs. One moment I’m okay and one moment I’m not. I feel like I’m craving interaction and love. I’m not sure what to do. Any advice?

    #77625
    Will Moss
    Participant

    Hey Bren,

    I have been dealing with low/high swings and depression myself before and sometimes still tend to slip into it when I remember something awful from my past that really is still affecting my mind now sometimes.
    For me, being around friends who accept you for who you are and your past has really helped, along with mindful meditation where you accept what has happened in the past and that you can’t change it. The past has made you a stronger person, so embrace that.
    As for the job, show them how much you want that job and how much you’ve changed/want to change and work for that job, that’s all I can say to that.
    For the ex-boyfriend, I hope you try to see things from his perspective and listen to him too, maybe he’s not so bad anymore; people change all the time. Check his motives and trust your gut feeling. Will this make you truly happy or will it just satisfy only a part of you and then leave you empty on the rest?
    I hope you find some peace, my friend.
    Much love and acceptance!

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