Home→Forums→Relationships→Really like this guy…how not to blow it?
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Anonymous.
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April 16, 2016 at 4:17 pm #102023
SamParticipantOkay I should start out by saying I have pretty bad anxiety so that magnifies everything I’m feeling right now! And I know I have posted similar questions before. 🙂
The other day I matched on a dating site with a guy from my hometown. He was in town for the night for work and asked me if I wanted to get a drink. It was so unlike me but I went and I’m so glad I did. There was an instant connection and so much attraction. I’m back home frequently and he told me to tell him when I was there next so we could see each other again. He asked for my number and we have been texting a bit. I’m actually going back home soon so I mentioned it to him last night and asked if he’d be around and if so, would he like to get together. He said definitely. I’m not sure where this is going (I’m looking to go to grad school, he might might move, etc) BUT I like him. And I feel like I’m at a point where I’m more aware of what I want and would be willing to do a lot more to get it.
So my question is…how do I not blow it with this guy? I’m a pretty independent person but my anxiety makes me turn into a crazy sometimes. I absolutely hate it. I just want to talk to him all the time. And seriously it’s been like 3 days. And I’ve started reading into everything he says and obsessing over what I say. I’ve basically convinced myself he doesn’t like me anymore. I know, it’s so crazy. Even though this could end up being nothing, I don’t want to scare him or push him away. Any advice??
April 16, 2016 at 6:21 pm #102027
AnonymousGuestDear Bren:
My advice for you is to do a lot of relaxing activities, from guided meditation, lots of exercise that is easy on your body such as brisk walking and swimming. Every time you go crazy, do something: one of what I just suggested as well as a hot bath, a hot tea, listen to music, post here on this thread again and again, whatever calms you.
Please write again.
anita
April 16, 2016 at 7:00 pm #102028AnonymousGuestDear Bren:
One more thing: After doing all those things, you will still be anxious.
Follow (and practice, if you will) this: look at one of your toes. Observe your toe. It is part of you, but you are more than your toe. In a similar way, observe your anxious part (of your brain) from a distant, calm part of your brain. This way although your anxiety is part of you, not all of you are anxious.
And when you talk with him on the phone or in person, talk from the calm part, so it is not the anxiety doing the talking for you.
anita
April 16, 2016 at 10:40 pm #102035
DurantulaParticipantHey Bren!
I wanted to reply to your post as I feel I can relate and have had a similar experience.
Recently, I dated someone I really liked too. It bought up a lot of anxiety for me and reflecting back on it, I think it’s normal and natural – it felt like I was about to head into uncharted territory and dating is an emotionally charged scenario.
The biggest thing I noticed about myself is that when I tried to suppress my anxiety and push it away, it got worse. Sometimes I would freeze, or become hyperalert and becoming super aware of what I was saying. Since then, I’ve been trying to practice being with my anxiety the best I can (starting with family and close friends I trust). It’s still really hard and difficult, but I’m starting to find myself surprised and more relaxed (very little by little of course). Please don’t be too hard on yourself. Whenever I am, I end up regretting it!
April 18, 2016 at 6:30 pm #102180SamParticipantThanks, guys. I was feeling pretty anxious yesterday but ended up going to yoga and feeling a lot better. We talked last night and today and I was feeling in a good place. But now I feel anxious again. I’m so nervous around him that I end up not knowing what to say and I’m afraid he’ll think I’m boring but then I also don’t want to say too much or come off as needy. Our conversations have been pretty equal in terms of who initiates and the flow of the conversation but I hate how much I’m overthinking this.
April 18, 2016 at 6:47 pm #102185AnonymousGuestDear Bren:
There are meditations about observing your thoughts, seeing them entering through a window and exiting through another window. It is about not identifying with your thoughts. Similar to my suggestion to you in my last post to you on this thread, observing your anxiety and not identifying with it. Creating a distance that will allow the calm part of you (and it exists sometimes) to lead your words.
anita
April 19, 2016 at 6:57 pm #102295SamParticipantI’ve been trying very hard to mediate and observe my thoughts. It’s very difficult! I think I also have so much going on that I am so overwhelmed by a lot of different things. I think sometimes I am in my head so much but I am working on it.
April 19, 2016 at 7:04 pm #102297AnonymousGuestDear Bren:
You may want to try recorded guided meditations on observing thoughts before you meditate on your own?
This is what the observing does: create a distance between you and the overwhelmed part of you. There is a way to do it and with practice, you can!
anita
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