Dear Ana:

You wrote: “I’ve read so much about self growth, done journaling.. but nothing really gets to the root of the problem”-

-This is what I see as the root of your problem at this point: you are re-experiencing what you experienced as a child; having been rejected, disapproved of, unloved by a parent. You keep re-living it, re-living the hurt, the sadness, the anger and the fear, waiting for the final blow, the expected complete and final rejection, being left all alone.

You keep re-living this experience in the context of relationships, not in the context of working. At work your “self confidence is up and life is good”. It is the context of a romantic relationship where your experience as a child in the relationship with a parent gets activated, seeks your attention, craving your attention, wanting to be resolved.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Ana:

To try and answer your question I need more information: can you tell me about your guilt regarding your “dad is at home working 24/7 as always”, what is it about?

“I felt so often guilty whenever I wanted to do anything different than my dad, even just stating an opinion was a problem”- can you explain this sentence for me, what is the nature or your guilt, who communicated to you that you are guilty regarding your father?

anita

Dear Ana:

There is nothing a child wants more than to see her parent happy, but to make your father happy you had to not do what makes you happy and instead do what he wanted you to do, work on his chosen projects. When you enjoyed yourself he felt sad, when you did what he wanted you to do, that which you didn’t want to do, he was happy and you would “see his sparkling eyes and him happy”.

So you learned that you being happy makes your father sad, and because a good girl does not make her father sad, you learned that … it is wrong for you to be happy.

This is why years later, even though you naturally “want to have a good day, be happy, forget my worries and love this life”, you “can’t seem to do this longer than a few hours”- it feels wrong to be happy.

You wrote: “My boyfriend always tries to make me go out and do things, and I love it as much as I hate it”- you want to be happy, but you feel it is wrong for you to be happy, that you are a bad person if you are doing what you enjoy. In the back of your mind, you see your father looking at you sad.

“When we’re on vacation I feel guilty after a short time for enjoying the sun and doing nothing while I know my dad is at home working 24/7 as always”.

You and I have a lot in common, for decades I felt guilty for feeling joy and in my mind’s eye I saw my mother being sad. I felt that I didn’t have a right to feel happy, didn’t have a right to forget that she is sad, that she had to be happy before I was allowed to be happy and attend to my own life.

You asked: “Any ideas on how to go on from here?”- yes I do. It will take you changing your core belief, formed early in childhood, that you don’t have a right to feel happy.

Question: you did your best to make your father happy, I have no doubt. All the times you didn’t do what you wanted to do and instead did what he wanted you to do, all the times you expressed the opinions he approved of, all that you did, did you succeed in making him a happy man?

I will be back to the computer in about fourteen hours. I hope you post before I return and will reply further to you.

anita

Dear Ana:

I think I understand your answer to my question: “did you succeed in making him a happy man?”-

Your answer: “I can see he’s proud of me whenever I say things he likes… If I’m not the perfect daughter he gets in a bad mood and is easily irritated”.

I am paraphrasing your answer:

I succeed in  making him happy temporarily. Soon enough he returns to being his usual self, which is being in a bad mood and being easily irritated.

Is my paraphrasing, my restating of your answer true to reality?

anita

Dear Ana:

No it is not. Think of this: the perfect cake, perfectly baked, perfect ingredients, one’s very favorite. One slice makes a person happy, so does the second, and the third. At one point a person feels uncomfortable, bloated and as he continues to eat the perfect cake, eventually he will vomit, feeling very sick.

Another example, the perfect drug, a narcotic, a person takes it and feels very, very happy. So he takes more and then more, a few days later, some  more, and for some reason it no longer works, and he keeps taking it not because it makes him happy, but so  to not feel the sickness of withdrawal.

To continue to enjoy the perfect cake, what people do is they eat a couple of slices, then take a break, a day later perhaps, have another slice. People who want to enjoy the happy affect of a narcotic will take it once then have a break, then take it again a week later, so they don’t build a tolerance.

Back to your father: if you were the perfect daughter (which would be impossible because you are not a baked product, or an extracted chemical, but a living and breathing organism), he would have developed a tolerance or would get sick and wouldn’t be temporarily happy anymore.

The reason he has been able to feel happy at times, temporarily is because in between the events of you pleasing him, he is miserable. The emotional ups for him are possible because of the emotional down in between the ups.

In other words, no, you didn’t, don’t and can’t make him happy, you can only pick him  up at times from his down, like a drug would, or a cake. And for that, you are paying a huge price in your experience of life.

anita

Dear Ana:

You love your father so much that you have been willing to sacrifice yourself for his momentary happiness, a moment of pleasure here and there. Wouldn’t it be nice if he loved you too?

I mean, if he wanted to see you  happy?

anita