July 6, 2013 at 12:10 pm #38073ananyaParticipant
I would like to write my concern point wise….please advise.
1. I got divorced around 1 year back after a very tough 5 years of seperation. The reason for divorce was that my husband had this habit of having multiple love affairs and in that process he used to lie to me often.
2. During this five year of seperation while my divorce case was in courts, I did the second blunder and got into a relationship with a married guy. Strange as it would sound, I was too fed up with marriages and saw him as a companion, who will be there with me for the rest of my life.( Real commitment doesn’t need a marriage and love is wht we need…and such weird ideas ruled my head for good 2 years untill I realised that his priorities are different from what I supposed them to be.) We had a messy break up after two years of being in the relationship.
3. I was so heartbroken after the break up that I decided to be off any relationship ever again. And for next 3 years I stayed just with myself. I stared writing, reading, praying and travelling. It all paid and I became peaceful after about 2 years of my quest.
5. NOW…I got my divorce and joined a divorce support group. There I met a guy who had similar views as I had….no relationships…no marriage ever again. We became friends…we thought we can travel together and be friends….may be we and other like minded people in the support group can really support each other. BUT with strict “NO” written all over our brains….we fell in love.Things were wonderful for first 5 months. He was the guy I always wanted to be with. But then he started telling lies. Not great lies…but like if he will talk to some other woman of the support group and he will hide that information. He is more social than I am. He said these are not lies…they are concealing information which he believes I will not interpret correctly. Though he is not greatly talking to anyone and I am sure he is not cheating on me. But my past experiences have their shadow on my present and it scares me…when he lies….which according to him are not lies.
6. It disturbed me and I shared my worries with him…he says he will never lie to me henceforth and will win over my trust. But in the process of whatever concealing information thing happened…we have said some mean things to each other.
NOW THE QUESTION:
Are these early lies a signal that he can turn bad? Should I trust when he says he will not lie henceforth? How do I regain faith in men in general? How should I handle this relationship so that I don’t do anything wrong third time over.I really want this relationship to work. I know even I have been wrong at places by being too much interfering…but now its done….
HOW DO I HANDLE IT?
AnanyaJuly 6, 2013 at 12:30 pm #38074MattParticipant
My wife and I had a very similar problem when our relationship began. I misrepresented some relations I had with women, downplaying the connection. The intimacy with those women was platonic, but inspired jealousy in my partner. The way we resolved it was this:
I promised to be honest and open with her, and she promised to settle the jealousy. With this sacred promise to each other, our relationship had a road to bring up that sticky topic. “My love, I’m fearful to talk about my conversation with ananya, are you open to hearing my view?” This let’s her relax and open so she can see what I see instead of her fears. “My love, I’m jealous. You keep talking to other women and I am scared you are shopping. Are you available to remind me of your love for me?” This lets me see the disturbance in the heart and respond with caring.
It works for us. I connect with women (and she is here with me) because we have spent the time cultivating acceptance for what comes up between us.
July 7, 2013 at 5:57 am #38098ananyaParticipant
- This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Matt.
Thanks so much. Your advice really is very logical.
AnanyaJuly 7, 2013 at 12:22 pm #38117Matt TurnerParticipant
Thank you for sharing your pain. I know that takes some courage.
I’d like to offer you this; It sounds like I’m hearing you are struggling with healing, communication and fear?
First up, what exactly is causing you pain right now? Take a look into this. What is being compromised for you? Trust? Faith? Love? Finding some clarity on this may help you move forward.
Second, when you figure out what is being compromised for you, why does it cause you stress? What do you need in this situation? What would make it better for you? Asking yourself some deeper questions can help you get some perspective to work from.
Third, what makes great communication? What does that that look like for you? Seeing what you need from communication is important. Also, seeing how you are communicating is valuable. When you respond to lies, how do you respond? What’s another response? Often when communicating in difficult, stressful situations we come from a place of defense or attack. What would it look like to respond neutrally? Can this be a way for you? What is another way, your way?
Lastly, what are you frightened of happening? Where is your fear? Its worth checking in with yourself and having a dialogue with your fear. We often avoid this because fear in itself can be unwelcoming. Open your front door to fear and talk to it. What does it want from you? How can you work with it?
Stepping back and asking ourselves questions like the ones above can give us clarity, purpose, direction and awareness we might have missed.
I hope this helps you a little and I wish you the very best. You deserve peace and I hope you find it soon.