Cris,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and know how heavy a feeling of failure can become. Don’t despair, dear brother, we all have the task of finding our path to balance and joy, and failing along the way is usual, normal and expected. Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance on how to find success and contentment. Said differently, because each of our paths is unique (unique point of view, abilities, limitations, teachers) our journey of self discovery is almost certainly littered with mistakes and failed beginnings. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that you’ve done some amazing growing already in your short number of years as a man. You’ve gone to school, found out it didn’t feel right, had the courage to make the hard choice (follow your heart and deal with the fallout). From my point of view, that was the right thing to do. Then you tried again and failed. Still the right thing to do… just because it didn’t work out the way you thought doesn’t mean that it wasn’t ripe with growth. Said differently, its in the trying again, looking again, getting back up that grows us as a person. Success and failure often becomes far too distracting as we become prideful, or in your case, ashamed of the results of our actions.

This quite naturally pushes us into making comparisons with others. You feel ashamed of who you’ve become, and so when you want to connect to a friend, all that icky feeling gets in the way. So you put on a brave face, a mask, and pretend that you’re OK, worthy, happy. Instead, what you can do is try to accept that you have the ability to bring compassion, and do that instead. For instance, imagine you’re working with your mom and feeling stressed (and perhaps feeling her stress). Take a breath or two, accept where you’re at, and look around. What’s there? What are your senses telling you? Consider looking for a kind act to help your mom, make her stress a little less. Maybe its a hug, a little extra effort, some flowers, some gentle words of appreciation… something, anything to try to share a little light, lighten the stress.

One of my teachers said that acts of generosity produce the emotion of joyfulness. We ignorantly think its a career, money, romance, or some other material possession… but it really all rests on our acts of helpfulness and compassion.

Finally, consider setting down the “beat up Cris” stick. You’re hard on yourself, brother, and more than any other mistake you’ve made, perhaps that’s the one that has hurt you the most. Be kind to yourself, patient, gentle. This is a tricky world, and finding a path of contentment and happiness can be troublesome. Inside you is a desire, a dream… and its up to you to gently let that dream blossom. Said differently, if we open patiently to our desire to bring light and love in whatever way seems right, we quite naturally find our groove, our personal rhythm. This is why being gentle with ourselves is so important, because it allows that light to grow. Consider taking up a metta meditation practice, which can help a lot in strengthening and stabilizing that light… although most self nurturing activities help. Perhaps you could take a bath, listen to some soft music, go for a walk in nature… or whatever it is that for you is relaxing, peaceful, and refilling. If you wish to check out a metta meditation, consider searching YouTube for “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation”. Even one meditation everyday for a week should be highly relieving and help with feeling connected, warm and full of purpose.

Namaste, brother, may you be well.

With warmth,
Matt